Letting go, really hurts (Smothy 9)

[Smothy]

Azzork, you are so right ruminating thinking of any thing connected to him is driving me crazy. I am using the STOP sign technique any useful tips?

[Pyrite]

he might be. who knows? who cares? he's going to have to do more than that to spark any reaction from you right? its difficult, but it gets easier. and i think it is necessary for you to one day not care genuinely. i.e. suppose he...... says sorry Smothy, I want you back.

While you are where you at now - you would dive into his arms with a sigh of relief that you can start putting it behind you. out of desperation. this is not a healthy beginning.

In my opinion at least, I think you need to get to a point where you can enter into a possible R with open eyes, not clouded by this grief you are still running from.

i sense that you haven't really accepted this yet Smoth, and the mind reading is a symptom. You have to accept that this is your new life. It sux. we didn't choose it. but thats what we have. then you can start to let go.

meditate, focus on wishing him happiness, in whatever form he wants. is this not the love you feel for your son. focus on feeling compassion for yourself and forgiveness and happiness the same way. but don't get caught up in WHAT would make you happy, just I want to "feel" happy.

(((Smothy)))

[Pyrite]

Smoth,

i love you darling and I dont want to hurt you but it's time for a slap upside the head.

Every time you talk to him, every time you mind read, you are entertaining him. You have spent way too much time entertaining him.

Screw him. Your love, and your values WILL NOT disappear. You CAN still be open to R and detach.

There are great times ahead for you. I will bet my life that in 5 years bith you and I will be happy again and whether that is with ours Ss or not is irrelevant. Lets just get there hey.

Your values, your commitment, your attention, your tenacity, -- these are all fantastic qualities Smoth that ARE absolutely you. These are the qualities that have shone through in this darkest hour and that shows how real they are. You will be OK Smoth. I promise.I wish I could just hold you until this was over and stroke you hair reassuringly. You will be happy again Smothy. You will, I promise.

Imagine, going out for a cigarette (Smothy - tse tse tse ) and NOT thinking about your H. This wil lhappen. Whether it happens in 6 months or 6 years and whether you spend it angry or in love with yourself depends on you. Love yourself sweetheart. Love you first and everything else will come easy.

[NDY]

Py is right. Listen to what he is saying. The more you hang on the worse it will be. Trust me, I know.

Peace

[Pyrite]

hey NDY good to see you mate. Are yout travellin' ok?

[Smothy]

Thank you, Py. You have made me feel better about where I am at. I have sent instructions and monies to solicitors today. Even though something I had to do, still felt a pang of sadness and regret.

Going great for me here, loving the job very busy and hectic. Been asked out twice!!! somewhere down the line, dates with others will be a reality.

Py, you do know me so well. I haven't been able to have a cigarette on my own without thinking of H. Easy to do when I am with friends etc. I know I have made huge progress, a few months ago I would of driven my friends crazy talking about my sitch incessantly. Now very little is said.

[Smothy]

I have had no contact with H and being away from this board and not reading this everyday has helped me to detach. I have not made any attempt to look at our joint accounts/ bills etc. for this I am proud of myself. I have also agreed the draft financial proposal from my solicitors and started this proceeding though I initially dreaded it. I now feel this was my best course of action.

What scares me now is am am beginning to feel anger and hatred for my H for what he has done/ doing. I don't want to become bitter about this. Thankfully my new job keeps me very focussed during the day and am exhausted by the time I come home.

I can't lie though, and say I never think of my sitch any more, still do, everyday, but no longer obsessing about it and accepting my new life more than I would of done 2 weeks ago.

[Pyrite]

great to hear Smoth

and it wilt better for you everyday.

the anger thing will likely continue, peak, and then you will get over it. then your brain will search out something else to get angry about and you will be thrown back to non-acceptance. you will desperately want to email these latest cutting remarks/criticisms/comments/... . Resist. you will get over this one too. and the next and the next. until eventually there'll be none left.

ESPECIALLY because you started on this path with the mindset that you dont want to become bitter - you won't. at times you will feel so angry that you think you have failed and you have become bitter. this will pass, and beautiful Smothy will be back.

i think of my sitch every hour, not every minute anymore, but it isn't overwhelming anymore either. My mum 25 years on and remarried still thinks about her 1st M regularly. My dad says it never goes away. and i dont expect it to, neither should you. it will eventually become just another THING in your life.

all the best

-Py

[Pyrite]

i love you Smothy, it sounds absurd i know, but at times you have been so vulnerable and i can't help but want to hold you and squeeze all of this [censored] out of you. it is an unconditional, pure love, for font carried by wi-fi. crazy yeah.

i hope you are ok. if you are ever this way, let me know and we'll have a coffee.

[Smothy]

Thank you, Py. This means so much. You held my hand through my darkest days in these last few months. The support you gave me, I will hold dear. I always think very carefully about what you have to say.

Would love to chat properly with you. You too will always be welcome for coffee
:-)