Dear All, You don’t know me but I know you very well. For the last four months you have been my shelter, my teachers, my mentors, my hope. I have learned so much from your sharing. So much. Who knows how my life would be right now if I would have found you before? It’s not important. My friend says this is the right moment and that things happen for a reason… My family and I have been living abroad for the last three and half years because I am working for an international organization. After years of growing apart from each other, my wife dropped the bomb in June 2014. I cried and begged (I didn’t know Sandi2 by then) and she said we would stay together until the end of my contract in June 2015. I became more loving, more gentle and attentive, but I now know I was just pursuing. Her detachment, coldness, cruel words and actions kept increasing. So much they did that by October 2014 I could not stand it anymore and, out of despair, I told her I wanted to divorce her!! Several hours later I had a crisis, started crying and I can only remember my wife holding me and caressing me like a little puppy. For two days things became a little better, but pretty soon she started drifting apart once more. Beginning of December she announced she had made her mind and really wanted the divorce. By that time I found Divorce Busting site, bought the book and got a coach some days later. The following day after my first appointment, me being a new man full of hope, my wife had some kind of psychotic episode that lasted for one week. We later found out she had been suffering from depression. I was told by a friend that this could be the cause of us breaking apart. For Christmas we went to our home country, to her parents, and acted as total strangers, having interaction only related to the kids. We were sleeping on the same bed because of her parents but not touching each other whatsoever. I started doing some 180s and GAL. She started treatment and medication for her depression. After New Year’s leave I had to get back to work and the kids had to return to school. She stayed with her parents for three more weeks. I hoped that the treatment would make her get back to her senses and reconsider. The day after she joined us she announced that her mind hadn’t changed and that as soon as the kids would finish school in June 2015 she would divorce me. In fact, we cannot get the papers signed while being abroad. January and February were terrible months. The first night she told me she did not want to sleep with me anymore. Because our rented flat has only two bedrooms and we don’t want for the kids to know, I started sleeping on the floor, next to “our” bed. She was aggressive to me and inconsiderate several times. Beginning of February, having hanged the phone after my second DB appointment I was talking over the phone with my wife when she shouted at me and insulted me as never before. She said I should grow up and that she should have started shouting at me much sooner. This was the lowest point in all this sitch. Although feeling miserable, I kept DB’ing: giving her space, detaching, going out by myself, dressing better, playing the guitar after 20 years pause, being a loving father… Today, I can say things have improved considerably: she smiles at me, we can talk politely (mainly about the kids), we can occasionally touch each other in non-affectionate ways, we spend weekends out together with the kids. Even yesterday we finished watching the last episode of “The Affair” sitting together at the same sofa. Of course she strongly defended Noah Solloway’s treason saying there are things in life you cannot control while I kept saying how stupid he was. And this brings me to the point where I want to ask for your precious advice. DB tells us that we must constantly keep a good attitude, that we must be upbeat, cheerful and strong. It also tells us we must be at all times respectful and kind. I was told to try and become the man my wife came to love at the beginning or a person she would regret leaving. But also to stop doing the things my wife took for granted. I am having a hard time trying to make all of this compatible. I have always been a nice guy and a kind person to others, especially to my wife. This is who I am. One of my 180’s is trying to be more affirmative and strong, because I kept being kind to my wife even though her actions and words were hurtful and cruel to me. So, I stopped doing all the niceness I feel like doing and that a divorced wife is not expecting to have. One week ago she had a tooth pulled and one could really see she was in need of some comfort. Although I could only think about kissing and caressing her I simply suggested she should take a pill for the pain. The following day, because we had no medication at home, I bought her some pills although she had not asked for them. She appreciated the gesture. Basically, so far I have only acted by omission, not doing things I would like to do even without being asked. I have been keeping my distance. My question is: what about when she positively requests something? Se his planning to fly home in some weeks. She has never bought a plane ticket by herself; I have always been the one in charge of that. If she asks me to buy the ticket, should I politely decline and tell her to do that herself? Or should I buy it because this is the kind of person I am? I hope I make myself understood. As you can see, I am not a native English speaker, and I apologize for my mistakes.
Me43 W39 M 12y,T 15y S09,S07 Bomb Jun14 Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15 Share bed Mar/May15 Reconcile Jun15 Aug15 W sais D will happen D told to kids Sept15 W moved out with kids 01 October15
My question is: what about when she positively requests something? Se his planning to fly home in some weeks. She has never bought a plane ticket by herself; I have always been the one in charge of that. If she asks me to buy the ticket, should I politely decline and tell her to do that herself? Or should I buy it because this is the kind of person I am? I hope I make myself understood. As you can see, I am not a native English speaker, and I apologize for my mistakes.
This is something I have struggled with as well. Last week my W asked me to fix her computer. When she explained the symptoms I knew it was something I could fix. But I politely told her to call a repair shop. It was hard to do, but I felt better afterwards.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for your replies. Leon01, I will try to read that thread as soon as possible.
Just one unrelated question: how does one edit his own posts? I am trying to find an "edit" button somewhere to address Starsky309 concern and cannot find it.
Me43 W39 M 12y,T 15y S09,S07 Bomb Jun14 Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15 Share bed Mar/May15 Reconcile Jun15 Aug15 W sais D will happen D told to kids Sept15 W moved out with kids 01 October15
You only have a short span of time to edit a post before it becomes uneditable.
Sorry you find yourself here, Ripe.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Pay special attention to her post on the ultimate loss.
It has been a great help to me.
Leon01, I have read Sandi2's post on Wayward Wifes. I don't think it applies in my case. My wife is not having an affair, so the toughness Sandi2 advocates for those type of wives does not apply, I think.
Me43 W39 M 12y,T 15y S09,S07 Bomb Jun14 Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15 Share bed Mar/May15 Reconcile Jun15 Aug15 W sais D will happen D told to kids Sept15 W moved out with kids 01 October15
Ripe - I'm sorry you find yourself here. I can't say that I'm all that surprised though. Some problems are apparent in your initial posts and best summarized here.
Originally Posted By: Ripe
I became more loving, more gentle and attentive, but I now know I was just pursuing. Her detachment, coldness, cruel words and actions kept increasing.
Neediness is repulsive to women, more so than for men. You keep thinking that you are kind, but in fact you are telling your W that you are not worthy of her love because you don't stand for yourself. What you need to do now is to find your center and your boundaries and show them to your W. It's not about little stuff like the pills and plane tickets, it's about the big picture of being respected. This stuff of sleeping on the ground is really not impressive. She bosses you around, clearly.
If you're up for reading, the thing that would probably help you most at this stage is No More Mr Nice Guy. You say you've been on these boards for a few months, so you may have seen references to it. Have you read it already? It will show you a lot of what's wrong with "being Nice" and partly why is it that your W is no longer attracted to you.
Also, go to the top of my thread and read some of the success stories to understand how DB really works. You need to get out of the mindset that "kindness" is the way to go. Kindness is good in a normal M, but not in our situations.
If your W was defending the adulterer in the TV show, ask yourself how far down this road she has gone. If she was to leave you without an OM, then maybe she'd pride herself for this and claim that adulterer are horrible people.
Keep posting, keep asking questions, keep DBing.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Leon01, I have read Sandi2's post on Wayward Wifes. I don't think it applies in my case. My wife is not having an affair, so the toughness Sandi2 advocates for those type of wives does not apply, I think.
It applies!
Infidelity does not mean that an active affair needs to be occurring.
That took me a very long time to understand.
I would guess that the fact that you are posting here makes her wayward, or at least 99.99% of the time it does. (there have been a few WAS posting here (like Sandi2))
Take what Sandi2 has written and apply it to your sich, I know that might seem counter intuitive but DB'ing is all about that.(180)
