Need advice for a WW who left Part 4

[Vanilla]

Dwh, absolutely.

I agree with you.

You rock!

Btw you know V is in the fan club, the Dwh fan club.

V

[dwh15]

V, you are such a sweetie. Wish I could give you a great big hug. So I'm just home for a few minutes, otherwise spending my night getting trained up bartending. Kind of a light crowd, but still a dozen or so people and I've been talking with some old friends so it's enjoyable.

I did find out that one of my friends was actually the one who convinced WW to break it off with the very 1st OM a few years ago, the one who I didn't know for sure was an OM until recently. And for a while, I guess she did break it off, but eventually broke down and went back to him. No idea what caused the final breakup, but doesn't matter, since WW moved onto yet another OM within a few months. My friend thinks that WW has serious mental issues, and I guess most people would probably agree.

It's a mixed blessing getting all these stories this far after the fact. On the one hand, it helps me piece together things and does solidify my resolve to move on with my life. But it does tend to open up fresh wounds, although not nearly so painful now as before. I'll probably continue to get fresh pieces of info for a while until the whole picture is in place, and I'm OK with that. Sometimes I start to think "what was wrong with me that WW didn't love me", but then I realize it's not me at all, it's her. She can't truly love anyone right now because she doesn't love herself. And I know she did love me for years, until something inside her broke.

Anyway, just venting. I don't need the standard advice about detachment, etc. I know, I know. I really am doing a lot better these days and see a bright future ahead.

[Vanilla]

I am always open hearted to big big hugs!

The stories are just that, more layers of the oinion peeled, the onion is getting smaller, the juice makes you cry more but there is little left to unpeel

V

[mahhhty]

WW was a great mother and probably took 80% of the burden, while I focused on career. In hindsight, that likely contributed to our problems, but for now, I will be the rock for those kids.

I relate to this 110%. That was a factor for me as well. But your outlook "being the rock for the kids" is a great one and one I can relate too.

[dwh15]

Spoke with my attorney tonight for 2 hours. That guy is awesome. He's given me 6 hours of consultation so far, and not charged me a penny. He's a member of my church and we have a mutual friend, so I think he's doing me a favor, and I can't be more thankful. I did give him an initial retainer today so he's officially on board, but I can't believe his generosity so far.

After extensively going through my situation, he thinks I have a VERY good case to get almost complete custody of all the children if I wanted to pursuit it. He knows the assigned judge in my case and says she is one of the meanest, but also fairest in these types of cases, and was not a "man hater", so he believes my odds are very good. Since my goal isn't to completely prevent WW from seeing the kids, but simply stick to the reality of what she has been doing for months, I'm going to suggest a schedule of her getting every other weekend, plus 2 weeks during summer, and alternating holidays. Works out to 84 days/year and is a standard schedule for a non-custodial parent.

That will likely apply for both S10 and S8, with me getting full custody of S16, who is autistic. Given that schedule, WW would end up owing me child support, which would greatly offset the amount of alimony per month. I'm looking at just a few hundred a month, which is far less than what WW is expecting to get, and about 1/2 of what I had been willingly giving her up until recently. It's great news for me, but not so good for poor WW, who only filed because she's looking for a paycheck. She even told me as much. Filed because she needs financial help; well, guess that plan isn't going to work out too well for her.

The funny thing is she told me just 3 days ago that she was done talking with me, and to speak with her attorney if I had anything else to say. Then this morning, she fires off a few TMs asking about the kids, as if everything is just fine. I thought about not replying at all, or sending something nasty, then figured why plan into it, and just sent a simple "kids made it to school no trouble". Then later she sends another TM asking about one of my cousins, since she has seen a news story mentioning his name. I'll never understand the wayward mindset.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good right now after that meeting. It's nice to know that I shouldn't have to take a financial beating on top of the emotional beating I've endured for months. Of course nothing is guaranteed yet, but I'm feeling optimistic. And I am feeling more detached from WW than ever. I really don't think I would want her back in my life now, other than as the mother to my children. I'm still sad about how it ended, and miss having that special person in my life, but I think right now I miss the companionship more than WW. But I'm getting comfortable being alone, or really not alone, but with my boys, since at least one of them is almost always around. And I know that some day I'll be in another romantic R, and this time around I will know much better what to do and not to do. Life is looking up.

[rdken]

I'm sure it feels good to have this guy in your corner. Sounds like he will make a good case for you. Sorry you have to go through this man. Nobody should ever have to. Your WW has a diseased mind and needs help. So sad. But I think you will be better off moving on. Easy for me to say though - I was married 4 years to your 18 years. Can't imagine what you're going through.

[dwh15]

I'm sure it feels good to have this guy in your corner. Sounds like he will make a good case for you. Sorry you have to go through this man. Nobody should ever have to. Your WW has a diseased mind and needs help. So sad. But I think you will be better off moving on. Easy for me to say though - I was married 4 years to your 18 years. Can't imagine what you're going through.

Thanks rdken. I'm sure you have an idea what I'm going through. Four years is still quite a long time and I'm sure it hurts just as bad. With any luck, maybe you won't take quite as long to start moving on. My 18 years is married, but total of 24 together. Over half my life. Still hard to believe it. But I am starting to get there. A few months ago I could not imagine a future w/o WW in it, and was even willing to be "friends" just to be part of her life somehow. All it did was allow her to do extreme cake eating, and I eventually woke up to it, and cut her off. These days, I'm getting very comfortable with not seeing or talking with WW. We text about every other day but strictly about kids for the most part. I see her maybe once every 2-3 weeks. No idea how the future looks with WW, and maybe some day we will be able to start a new R from the ground up as friends, but I wouldn't even want that right now. She's selfish in the extreme, and tends to use friends and burn through relationships like crazy. In fact, my social circle keeps growing in large part due to friendships which WW has left behind, where I'm getting in touch with them and building my own friendship. Life is strange.

[Vanilla]

Dwh, makes sense to me.

Waywards aren't just wayward in their M, it's an attitude of mind which others pick up. Generally a good sign, it means WW isn't masking or being covert. Overts seem more likely to wake up eventually, they hit a wall of reality, some move away to rebuild a life from scratch. If they don't address their issues then the cycle.

Others get really pissed off with entitlement.

I am glad you have great L, it's vital in your sitch.

((((((Hugs))))))

V

[dwh15]

So I come home tonight from work and WW is sitting parked in the driveway. I asked her what was going on, since it was an unexpected visit and she said that S18 was complaining of being sick so she had brought some medicine. It was nice of her to do that, but then she tried starting a conversation, asked how I was doing. I said "have you checked on the kids yet" and started walking into the house, pretty much ignoring her question. She followed me inside, and I went about my normal routine of checking on all the kids, then starting to clean the house, paying no attention to WW.

She hung out for a few minutes, talking here and there, but I didn't have much to say, and it wasn't even me trying to DB, I really didn't want to talk with her. I probably even came across a little cold, but I don't know what she expects, given how she dropped the D papers on me just a few days ago. It's like she wants to pretend everything is just fine. So I could tell she was feeling unwelcome, so she only stayed around 10 minutes and left.

Then a few minutes after she leaves, I get a TM saying she needs current proof of insurance for her car. I reply asking if she's had a chance to look through that jewelry box she took w/o asking and locate my wedding ring. About 30 minutes later I get another TM that she found the ring and would like to get the insurance. Funny how I've been asking for that ring for weeks and she never "had time to look" but suddenly when she wants something, and I held that over her, she jumped right to it. Have to say, I don't even like WW as a person right now. She probably thinks she's going to nice me into giving her what she wants on child custody, but is in for a rude awakening. I'm just waiting for the drama train to go off the rails again after she realizes the giant pile of crap she's gotten herself into.

So other than that little unplanned and unpleasant visit from WW, my day not too bad. Going out golfing again tomorrow afternoon, then meeting a new friend for lunch Thursday, and an old college buddy on Friday night. The days are getting easier to get through, and I'm really just ready to get through the whole D process and have things settle into a regular routine.

[Vanilla]

I bet that woke WW up!

No doubt now that Dwh has moved on. WW must now realise actions have consequences.

I think the bargaining phase will begin.

V