1. When I saw her number on my phone (I deleted her contact info to keep me from texting her randomly awhile ago), I did not get that quick heart beat. I stayed status quo mentally. I think most people on here might understand how big that is. 2. I read the text, quickly processed the info, then promptly deleted the text. I decided there was no need for a response here. I did not want to throw away almost 3 weeks of no contact just to say 'thanks'.
I feel good about how I felt during this. It is such a little, stupid thing I know, but this is exactly the type of thing that has set me back in the past.
You are doing great!
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I guess I was expecting a little more respect compared to just an ex-boyfriend?? Actually I am not really sure. In my head, we are married, there should be an effort to save things. That is a very good question now that you raise it though, why would it be any different, I guess it would not.
Unfortunately, it's not about what's in your head, but what's in hers.
A WW has no respect for her LBH. In fact, I'd say ex-boyfriends probably have more. I'm sure that is difficult for you to grasp about your own W.
I believe your best bet is to go completely dark. That means she hears nothing, reads nothing, and sees nothing from you. If she reaches the place of wanting to go back to you.....that is when you have the opportunity to give her the conditions (MC, no contact with other men, transparency, accountability, etc.) If she is not willing to cooperate, then she's not ready to return to the M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Unfortunately, it's not about what's in your head, but what's in hers.
A WW has no respect for her LBH. In fact, I'd say ex-boyfriends probably have more. I'm sure that is difficult for you to grasp about your own W.
Ouch... there's the rub. You are so right but it makes me so angry! The fact we grew up together makes this that much harder.
Day 21 today of nothing from me to her though and I feel much better when I have no contact (I mean absolutely nothing). I even locked myself out of my house this week and I think she still has a key but dealt with it in other ways.
I can't help but think of her birthday which is Tuesday. I always did real nice things for her on this day. I am not going to contact her on it though. Luckily, I'll have work then class so my mind will be busy. Need to get past that day and then there won't be a difficult time until the holidays.
I like how someone describes it has being fired. That is how it feels. I was definitely fired. The marriage, as it existed is over, no doubt. We can never go back to that situation. If it works out, it will be a completely different situation. One good thing is that every time she does this, I do learn more about myself, areas I need to improve upon. I think confidence is what I need now.... just a little but more, but not too much. I am going to get there.
As always, thanks for the reply Sandi. I think you have a lot of insight into my particular situation from her perspective.
It's my wife's birthday today, haven't contacted her and I won't. I have been thinking about her a lot today though. Makes me sad. I feel really badly about not wishing her a happy birthday. I don't know why, I have no idea if she cares or not. Just does not feel right. But today is almost over and I think the next real hard day will not be until Christmas. ah well.... time to get ready for my class.
You may have been "conditioned" to feel guilty if you didn't do something nice for her on her birthday. I'm guessing she's had a lot of influence over you. She's mainly been the only girl, and has destroyed other R's, and you felt you had to do something big on her birthdays.
I think, b/c you've made reference to it several times, that growing up together effects you a lot. In a way, what you are experiencing may feel similar to losing a sibling or a lifelong friend. I admire your strength and determination to stick to your plan.
Coming here to express your feelings is the right thing to do. It's good to stay busy, like you are doing.
Great job so far. You can do this......and it should give you more self-confidence knowing just how much strength it has taken. You are growing!
What are you doing to GAL?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. I really feel like a bad person tonight. I can't even really explain it. It just feels like I did something wrong by not even acknowledging her b-day (mine was of course destroyed by the BD but I still feel bad). Such a little thing. Interesting how this makes me feel though. I know doing nice things for her made me happy so maybe that's it. I don't know.
Growing up together does effect me a lot. There are so many memories there, its crazy. It is weird to think of her as no longer being part of my life. But I had reached that point in the past so I can do it again.
I think I am GAL'ing OK. Finishing my MBA takes a lot of time. I gym almost every day with very specific goals in mind and train for my half marathon in mid October. I think my social skills are improving dramatically. That is just my impression, not sure if that is actually true or not. But I think the confidence is getting better for sure. I do need to try get together with my friends more though.
Man, did yesterday suck. I felt like such a dirt bag. Glad it is over though with no set backs. Now I can refocus on the goal at hand... becoming a better man
Stop beating up on yourself. If you had bought her a gift, or done anything, it would have set you back to the starting line. Like I said, it sounds as if you have been taught or conditioned to believe you had to do something big for her. I promise you that she noticed, and it did a lot more than if you had sent her something. You would have been lucky if you'd even received a thank you. But you would not have made any brownie points with her.
Remember, this all feels like you are doing the opposite. That's b/c a WW is not going to respond to what your feelings are saying to do.
And for goodness sake, don't break down today and call her out of your guilt. In fact, don't have guilt over it. You are the only one who can choose to feel guilty or not.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I might be a new comer here but learned a lot of lessons the hard way over the years...and there are no kids which means I can really have no contact. No contact makes things so much easier, always has. when I really stop and think about it... I am actually not sure if I could ever be with her again... The bd can happen at anytime and it would always be on my mind but I am trying not to focus on anything to do with our relationship right now. Outa sight outa mind.
