as_it_is - my advanture continues (part 5)

[asitis]

Time already for another thread. Starting to feel like the Rocky series of movies. Here are links for:

as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 1)

as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 2)

as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 3)

and as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4)

There is a recaps of my sitch in the first part of part 3 & part 4, so go there if you want more background.

Not much to report, as I'm just continuing detaching and GAL.

Wrote up some of my concerns to discuss in negotiations on custody & finances last night. She's not going to like some, given past comments, so some tact, truth darts, listening & validating, and trying to stay focused on maintaining the health of the post-D R without giving away the store.

Probably going to find a good L to consult just on the realities in my state so I go in to our negotiations on firmer ground particularly on spousal & child support. I'll have to figure that out, as we've talked about not involving Ls in the process other than writing up legal docs, and using mediation for any issues we can't resolve. I'm not going to be dishonest about paying for a consult, but I have to ponder when & how to disclose a bit.

[asitis]

Talked to W today. We were arranging meeting, and W suggested we do the financial part with a mediator. I agreed and said that we limit our meetings to an hour to avoid stress causing us to not manage things well, as the long-term R is a high priority for me.

I told her that while I won't close to door totally, and would be willing to work, I am in agreement that barring that we move to divorce. I also said it would take a lot of work for me to want to come back, that I think it is possible, but I don't want her to think that my being kind and considerate is some kind of attempt to get her to change her mind. I'm done with that, and just want to move forward with my life. I hoped we could develop a healthy working R as co-parent, and maybe some day be friends again.

She agreed that this was what she wanted. You could still sense the anger underneath the surface towards me that she is trying her best to contain. So, she now knows we are on the same page with regards to the D. We are in agreement with how we will go about it, and that managing the R for all our sake's is something we are willing to compromise to maintain, and that we have some help to resolve the sticky areas, etc.

It does suck. I'd still do the work if I thought she had any interest. But she has not shown any, has not seemed to grow much, still blames me for her unhappiness, and I just want to get through the tension of resolving this.

It is very sad to see the person I still love take this attitude and path. It is very hard to see the lingering anger that she nurses. It is very sad to think about the impact on the kids. It is very frustrating that her IC seems to think that what she is doing is reasonable given the young kids and the lack of abuse, and to allow her to nurse so much anger for so long without calling her on the obvious problems with that.

I can do nothing about it at this point. I'm just moving ahead and trying to heal the wounds her leaving have left. I've got a much better life thanks to all this, other than the failure of the M. I'm a much better person. I'm someone only a fool would leave, but there you go. Negative Sentiment Override and being unable to look at the causes of unhappiness outside of the marriage rather than focusing them all there, make one not see things the way an objective observer would, let alone someone who still held loving feelings for the other. Time and friendship may help her get past that. Nothing can be finalized until we sell the house, which is going to be quite a project. I doubt that will be enough time to get past that, but so be it. You take the world as_it_is, not how you'd like it to be. You change what you have the power to change, and you accept what you can't.

[rdken]

So sorry to hear this my friend. Tears came to my eyes as I read your post. It truly is sad thing that the relationship could be salvaged, but she is unwilling to try. You are already a better and stronger person, though we would all like to choose achieve this goal some other way. Keep taking life as it is, and face your future with courage.

[asitis]

Thanks.

[Sotto]

I'm sorry to hear that Asitis. I always appreciate your posts on the forum. I also think that it isn't the end until you've decided. Yes, things are edging closer to D - as they are in many of our sitches - but that needn't be the end of the road. A lot can happen. But it does take time....

Sorry it's so tough just now, and do take care ((((Asitis))))

[asitis]

BTW, I'm not meaning that it is over and done with. A lot can happen in the 8-10 months that we'll have before we can get the house sold and finalize the D. Once the agreements are negotiated & I keep moving ahead on my life, she may relax a bit and let go of some of the anger and defensiveness.

In a sense, DBing still continues, as it is part of building a good R, no matter whether the M is saved. It is also important to help me let go of any resentments, appreciate all that I have going for me and my life, and to skillfully relate to the mother of my children. It also is good practice for future relationships.

At some point, I'm going to raise a discussion of dating, as while I don't think I'm ready for romantic relationships, I'm getting to the point of wanting to have someone to go on friend dates with. Nobody particular in mind, just want to go have fun with someone at the symphony, or a concert, or a movie. Anyway, I'll raise that in a day or two so you can help me explore that subject and its potential pitfalls and traps.

[asitis]

I'm sorry to hear that Asitis. I always appreciate your posts on the forum. I also think that it isn't the end until you've decided. Yes, things are edging closer to D - as they are in many of our sitches - but that needn't be the end of the road. A lot can happen. But it does take time....

Sorry it's so tough just now, and do take care ((((Asitis))))

Thanks Soto. I'm actually in a fairly good mood. Just a few moments of sadness registered when looking at my wife with her veiled feelings.

And, yes, it ain't over till it's over, and even then it may not be over. We cross posted, so see my last post.

[mutatio]

Hello my friend, I feel for you. I was deeply moved by your second post on this thread. It was a powerful articulation of your feelings. I read it right after you wrote it but it gave me such great pause I could not respond till now.

I am sorry it is evolving in a way that is not best for you or you children. It certainly is not over yet. All it takes is a moment of clarity and you situation could turn on a dime. That moment may only happen if you keep doing what your doing and fight the good fight.

On a personal note, I find your situation upsetting. I admire you wisdom and compassion and I have tremendous respect for you. If you can't make it work how can I ever have a chance. I know every situation is different but it leaves me scared and nervous.

[asitis]

Thanks mutatio. Remember I had many, many months of doing the wrong things before I found my way here. I pursued, I tried to show what a great H I was, I begged, etc., etc. In fact, it took me just over a year to find my way here after first bomb drop. Then there is the normal adjustment to the new way of doing things.

So, don't be too discouraged. A lot of anti-DB efforts paved the way for a pretty difficult task. It also really has only been a bit over 5 months of DBing, and the first one or two were full of mistakes, as is typical. And, it is really only since July that I sensed an easing off on her continued stoking of the anger flames, and later in August when I stopped doing the very subtle pursuing of watching for little signs of change and getting my hopes up. That's not all that long in the scheme of things, especially after over a year of so many mistakes doing things the typical uneffective way.

Have hope. One of the things I've had to resign myself to is that couples in a lot worse shape than my sitch reconcile, and some people who seem like they have it together and the couple doesn't seem that broken just keep right on sailing through to D. Skill is only one factor.

[PigPen]

Been reading up on your sitch As. Seems like we're headed in the same direction my friend. Two gents who are knocking themselves out to save our M's with two Ws who are intent on going the other direction. I feel for us both.

All we can do is keep walking the path. Keep DB'ing to the best of our abilities and hold a little bit of hope for a last minute call from the Governor!

I feel you when you say you're in a better place. That's a beautiful thing to be able to say. We've got to have faith (talking to myself a bit here too) that no matter what comes of this, we've gotten there.

I've still got hope for you my friend. Hope that Mrs. As will see all of the work you're doing not as a threat but as what she truly wants out of a partner.

Big hug,

PP