WAH, in the thick of divorce (pt 3)

[ep0215]

First Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...743#Post2596743

Second Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=12&page=1

Thank you so much for all of the support I have found on this forum. I could not have made it the last 3 months without you all. I would be in a puddle of despair and desperation.

S4 and I have had a great day playing, being silly, and snuggling on the couch. We went to our favorite place, Target, shopping. I agree that he is only 4 and doesn't know how to express what he is feeling yet. I think that is a great opportunity for me to practice validation.

I spoke to H today on the phone to touch base about next week. I also talked to him about what happened on Wednesday and he got a little defensive in the sense that he kept saying "I didn't do it intentionally". I let him know that I knew that and I was only upset because the decision wasn't made as a team. He agreed we need to communicate better. Then he got real interested in what our plans were for the day and asked me if I had everything I needed for the trip and if I was excited. This was new. He hasn't said one word about my trip or ever took an interest in what I was doing. I think that was a positive step.

I am going to take that he keeps saying we need to communicate better positively. He keeps saying that to me but it hasn't really changed. I know that is something I am working on being better at, I hope he is too.

1 more day until a week of sun, sand, relaxation, and sister time. I may or may not jump on here while I am gone. I probably won't have anything to report but do want to keep on everyone's sitches.

[AJM]

Of all the things you're doing, focusing on your kids is likely the most important. But like being on an airplane and giving yourself the oxygen first, what are you doing for you on the off-days?

I realize 4 year olds can be demanding.

The other thought I would leave you with - can you see this from an older perspective? I.e. 10 years down the road? And can you see what it is you would want to look back on and see regarding you, how you handled things, and how you helped your son? And heck, maybe even helped your H as a third option?

I ask that because while you are in the thick of things, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. It's really hard to give your son the things he needs, balance that with what you need, and help him to maintain a relationship with his dad. The good news is that his dad wants time with him. The downside is that you two have to figure out how to make that happen. But that's going to pass sooner than later.

Whatever you do, don't say anything negative to your son about his dad. And don't let him hear it. They have a way of being in earshot when you least expect it. Everything else will pass but your son will remember and internalize things differently, ya know?

Sounds like you're doing well and are well on your way. Keep up the good work!

AJ

[asitis]

I've been amazed how hearing what they say and surprising them by not being defensive or critical can really cause them to open up. With most Ss, they really do want to connect with us. They are attached to us, but our dynamics, their issues, and their perceptions of us based on what they believe they know about us gets in their way. It doesn't mean that we can just turn them on to this desire and let things develop. They have a lot of sorting through their own issues, and may never allow themselves to do this. Still, I'm glad you got some positive reinforcement to the cooperative approach.

Sounds like a lot of fun w/ the S.

[SunnyB]

Ep? How's it going, dear?

[ep0215]

Finally was able to get a good enough internet signal to send a quick note. Vacation is amazing! Having a blast.

Now for the depressing news - been FaceTime with H all week. Our 12 year old Golden Retriever has passed away while I am gone. I got to say goodbye though and we have been crying on the phone together the past two days. She was healthy when I left and declined rapidly. They found a huge mass in her abdomen that was blocking all food to her stomach. We didn't even know anything was wrong with her except she quit eating the day after I left. I am so heart broken for me and my family. I so wish I was there with them.

[V2pt0]

So sorry EP. I know how hard it is to lose your dog. Sending a big hug your way.

[ep0215]

Back to reality - sigh

That was an amazing vacation and much needed get away. It seemed that everyone at the resort was on their honeymoon and that did make me miss my husband a lot. It was nice to get away and reflect on what is happening in my life right now. It was heartbreaking that we lost our dog while I was away. I am surprised by how much H called to Facetime with me, to keep me updated, and to at least let me see and talk to our pup before she passed. We cried on the phone together and reminisced about her life with us. I miss her so much already and the house is so quiet and lonely. She was my companion on the days that I am home alone. I am not sure what I will do now without her.

He bought her for me when we were just dating so she has been in our lives from the beginning. This feels like the last piece (besides our son of course) that bound us together.

[ep0215]

H dropped off S4 yesterday afternoon and hung around for about an hour. He told me about their time together and he wanted to talk about the dog some more. It was a very nice encounter. I went back and looked at one of my original goals when I first read DR and it was 'H will linger longer on drop off/pick ups'.

He has been TM all night and today with pictures from when I was gone and being very friendly with his replies. This is different than before. I don't respond right away but make sure when I do it is funny or friendly.

[SunnyB]

Ep, so sorry about your dog.

It's nice that H is being friendly. Don't think that it necessarily means anything, though, just enjoy the peace and continue on your path with no expectations.

[ep0215]

Thank you, Sunny. It is just nice to have some peaceful conversations lately instead of the spitefulness. I feel like I am finally getting a chance to be the lighthouse. No expectations here!