Hi Clay, you don't get to control how she spends money, but you do have some influence on what money you give to her. Have your contributions been legally determined? If not, it's maybe time to get that set at a fair level. If they have already - then I would accept and move forward...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The support was determined at a level set by the attorneys and I was told by my attorney that it was fair, but she will be required to become self-supporting. The purpose of the child support being what it is, is so the kids can have the same standard of living at both houses, but I am the one who works long hours and cannot afford trips like that or season passes to amusement parks.
My kids told me their mom got a job and started working last Friday. Tonight, my son said that if he gets a job, it will have to be close enough to walk since she and I both have jobs. I asked if she was working full-time and he said "no. She can't have too many hours because then she will not qualify for the apartment"
I plan to take her back to court to have her income imputed.
ExW has continued to not look for work. She drives for a ride-share company, which I also do in the little bit of off time I have (I call it my alimony job). I am struggling to make the bills and keep the house (which the kids want me to do) while I am paying for 150% of her entire cost of living plus about an extra $600/month for her to put into savings. I don't get to save anything, as I am still paying the credit cards from the attorneys. She also gets to keep the money she makes from her part-time job. She gets to choose when she works and takes frequent trips, while I am working extremely long hours in order to survive. She has already turned down one job and quit another.
I recently retained an attorney in order to impute her income and asked for the spousal support to be eliminated since she refuses to become self-supporting. She received notification last Monday and was FURIOUS. She sent me a text stating that she would no longer be providing more than 50% of the transportation between the two residences and that if I wanted to visit with my children, I would have to pick them up myself, even though I will have to pass my house on the way home to pick them up after a long day of work. She has been dropping them off for nearly two years. She said the order says the drop-off/pick up is something that is mutually agreeable. I said "it is not a mutual agreement". She responded by saying "I will not be agreeing to any other plan". I did not respond other than to tell her that she never ceases to be irrational and unfair to the kids. I have not spoken with her since. I began picking up the kids without a mention of what's going on and have acted like nothing is wrong.
I hesitated to take her back to court, because I was afraid I would make her mad. After months of therapy and input from family and friends, I realized that if I was afraid she would be angry, then she is not reasonable and I am just going to have to do it.
I am still worried, as she ALWAYS gets her way and knows how to lay on the charm and act like an innocent victim. I don't know why it is that this woman's ability to manipulate and make me the bad guy scares me so much? I have had many others tell me that she is not reasonable and not to worry about what she and her family members think, but I still do.
I keep running across old e-mails between us and it seems like we had it pretty good. I know I am fooling myself though, as my T points out. I think I was so high on the good times because the angry outbursts, lying, manipulation and false accusations were so bad. I have said to my T that I want what I had. She thinks that it is possible that I only thought I had something.
I still think it is a MLC, as it is much worse now than ever, but not sure. I guess I am still hopeful that it will change. I know if it is, it wont happen any time soon and I don't want THAT person back yet anyway. My T says that most Axis II personalities almost never get better. I am still hopeful, but realizing that it may never happen. I am still trying to deal with the fact that the family is no longer integrated. Trying to GAL, but it is still hard.
I am sorry you still have to deal with such behavior and attitude from xW even after the D. For some, the selfishness never stops.
I think I am going to be in the same situation as you. Just posted on my thread my STBXs rants for today. She was a SAHM and thinks that is her job the rest of her life.
You need to protect yourself and do what you feel is right for you and your kids no matter what she feels.
I also have a difficult time control how my family acts with my STBX. They did not get along and in some way contributed to the tension in my M, no matter how much I supported my STBX back then. I completely detached from my family and in the end I am on the D train.
Hang in there my friend.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
I believe my ExW does think she will end up getting spousal support for life. Some attorneys say it is possible because it was considered a long-term marriage. Not sure what state you are in (I am in CA), but it seems like most of the states have it wrong. SHE quit the marriage and although she was a SAHM, it is a stab in the back for all the sacrifices I made so she could stay home and clean IF she felt like it or stay in bed all day because she didn't feel like doing anything. Why should there be a reward for breaking her vows? I have worked extra hard for years so I could someday take a break, but she always wanted something new and now she wont work because she expects that I have to keep working. I am 51 and a DAV. I hope the judge is reasonable and puts an end to it. There is no reason I should have to pay her anymore. She is the one who did this.
The original intent of alimony was to provide sustenance when one partner (usually the man)committed marital misconduct. If the woman committed marital misconduct, she was said to have forfeited any compensation. In my case, she did commit misconduct. Not adultery, but spent thousands of dollars behind my back, had secret mailboxes, bank accounts and credit cards. That information should be enough to compel the judge to put an end to it, but we shall see.
It sounds like you have a difficult battle ahead of you too. I wish you the best of luck. Thanks again for your reply.
Here is a question I would like to ask for anyone who might have been in my situation.
As mentioned, my ex-w has turned down one job and quit another after just one week. She has told the kids that she cannot work a lot of hours right now because if she does, she will not be able to qualify for the low-income apartments in which she is living. I am burdened with all the debts from the marriage as well as having to work extra jobs in order to pay support. I have nothing for my retirement and she got everything. I currently pay for 150% of her entire cost of living, while she has a considerable amount to put away each month.
I am taking her back to court to have the order modified.
Last night my 16 year old D was throwing a tantrum and accused me of being cheap. I told her I don't have any money, which is true because I have thousands of dollars of debt due to the divorce, which I tried really hard to save. She responded by saying "that's because you hired a frickin' attorney to sue my mom". I don't know what to say because I have never involved the kids and don't want to. I want them to know the truth, but I don't want them caught in the middle and don't want to disparage their mom (although I have some pretty awful thoughts right now). Right now I am the bad guy and I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say because I have never involved the kids and don't want to. I want them to know the truth, but I don't want them caught in the middle and don't want to disparage their mom (although I have some pretty awful thoughts right now). Right now I am the bad guy and I don't know what to do.
Clay234,
My opinion, for what it's worth, is that telling your children the truth isn't the same as getting them "caught in the middle." Given their age, if you simply give them the facts and don't treat them like pawns in a game, then I think that's acceptable.
Thank you all for your support. It is a difficult position to be in because I have always been the bad guy and it seems as though I am held to a higher standard than mom. I am not allowed to get upset at anything. I keep trying to tell the kids that I wanted to save the family and fighting is not something I want to do. She is the one who sued me and made a long nasty fight out of something that didn't need to happen. Even the attorneys mentioned that. The kids think I should have to work, while they and mom do absolutely nothing. I cannot even get them to pick up around the house without a fight. It is depressing. I think if I tell them their mom is the one who sued me and that is the reason we are in this situation, they will deny it or make excuses for her.
The reason I need to take her back is because she refuses to work (currently drives for a rideshare company at her leisure)and become self-supporting as ordered by the courts. She said she wants to move on and wants me to leave her alone, but wants to have her claws in me and control me forever.
I do believe that the real reason she is angry is because she is scared. Her mother even told me after she left me that she doesn't believe she (ex-w) can make it on her own. It is for that very reason that she can't. Mom and dad do everything for her and support the idea that everything is everyone else's fault.
Regardless of who comes out looking better in the courtroom, there are no winners here.
Although she has always had anger issues and is very spoiled (and at 44, is still coddled by her parents), I keep running across pleasant e-mails and texts between the two of us over the years and I cannot figure out why she is so bent on fighting. She is really good at making me doubt myself and question whether or not I am right. In this case, I think I am, but it is so hard.
I meet with my attorney on Monday and we go to mediation on Wednesday. We shall see how it goes.
Don't go trough the old messages, it really does you no good, in fact it only puts you in a bad mood.
As you have discovered by now, your W became something (someone) totally unfamiliar to you. You can quit trying to figure it out how it came to be, you will not succeed deducting it. So just accept it, she's an alien imposter for all intents and purposes. You DO HAVE to do anything and everything to protect yourself in all areas, financially, legally and emotionally.
I have a feeling that your kids will not listen to your words, so teach them with actions. The basic problem is complete lack of respect to you as father. Perhaps it is time for tough love. I do not recall if your kids work or in any way contribute to the household. I'd cut them off. And I would seek a second legal opinion, it really sounds to me you got screwed in the court, do you feel you have had adequate representation?
