Saw on my iPhone today how OW (who H still will not admit there was any EA or PA) facetimed my H just an hour before he came to talk to me about finances and selling the cottage. I have no idea how this showed up on my iPhone (I think we might still have same apple ID) this was same woman (20 yrs his junior) who 2 yrs prior to him leaving was constantly texting him yet he continues to say they were/are "just friends"
I thought I would reply over here on your thread. (thanks for posting on mine by the way - I see we both had a dreadful 7th September 14)
I'll come to the GAL bit in a second but reading through there were a couple of things that jumped out at me so I hope you don't mind me leading off with these things.
- Your H could be going through all sorts of issues which is what is causing this, not least if your youngest are 17 that the end is in sight for the restrictions that come with parenting. Personally I dont think labels are particularly helpful but some of the resources that Cadet posts about MLCs could be really useful (although you may well have read them already) as are may some of the threads from that forum. Thats not to say you H is having a MLC but my XW isnt and I still found the insight into some MLC craziness really helpful.
- It is possible that there is no affair, contact doesn't necessarily mean there is but equally denials count for nothing. My XW only admitted her R with OM1 in May (ish) but they have been involved in different ways since BD at the latest (she still denies it was/is an affair.) Whether there is or not, worrying about it only does you harm and unless he decides he wants to come back, does it matter? I know that might sound a little cold but I've spent so long trying to get my head round her 'affair' and my hurt at this but all I've done is prolong my sense of injustice and therefore my pain.
The biggest thing that has helped me has been about how I, and only I, am responsible for my feelings including whether I feel hurt or slighted.
- Finances, Please protect yourself. It may not be pleasant and in the short term it may cause more problems but in the long run I don't think anyone ever regretted being too cautionary on their financial protection. you may need to get a L to help you but you need to get some security and some financial independence - it will help feel better as well I would guess. for me personally the only things I stood my ground on with my XW were finances and access to my children and I was immovable on those - everything else didn't matter really.
On the GAL front, its hard, really hard. and to be honest a lot of it is about just getting out there and filling time, especially to begin with. Over time it gets easier and more varied, read Sotto's thread if you havent, she is an expert in this. Financial independence will help by the way.
I will also say that there are a couple of threads around that provide examples the other way of people who are really struggling with GAL, but there is a lot of good advice there to.
what sort of things do you like doing? did you enjoy the golf?
The last thing I will say is that noone is perfect but its our imperfections that make us unique. In any situation there are things we could have done differently, handled differently possible done better but they may not have changed the outcome. In any situation we've just got to learn what we can and take that knowledge to the next one.
Anyway I hope you are doing ok and dont mind my ramblings.
Have a great weekend
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi Sotto - I have read most of your story (I think) MLC is where I first started reading as I was convinced that was what H was going through. It was your tag line (or signature ) quote that really struck me as that is what I am trying so hard to do - I had recorded it in my journal months ago - I am having a hard time letting go
Hi Jim. Thanks for your reply - don't mind ramblings at all - I find any and all advice so helpful. You sound so wise already for such a young man Although I just recently joined here I have been reading post for close to 10 months. It was by researching MLC that I found this site, so I was reading everything on that forum first. I was convinced my H is having a MLC - the communicating with a younger woman, the ILYBINILWY, the excessive spending on himself, the complete abandonment of the kids (seeing them maybe 2 times a month) We had just spent the year renovating a log cabin that was going to be our retirement home and he was telling me how this was our future and we were better than ever and then BD he leaves.
I had actually gotten to the point where I thought there can't be an OW as H was gone all summer traveling. But then I saw those dang FaceTime calls (and I have no clue how they are showing up on my phone (they never did before) and just seeing that she is calling him every night and in the morning - it still REALLY hurts
I did/ do really enjoy the golf and I have played several rounds this summer with my sisters and some girlfriends. It is bittersweet however because H was my Private golf instructor and I constantly think of him while playing. I loved being on the golf course with him.
I'm still in love with my H - in June he told me I am still the funniest, smartest , most beautiful woman he knows he just doesn't feel "in love" anymore - to be so completely rejected by my best friend of 33 years - it seems everyone else on these boards comes to acceptance so much sooner - I don't think I can ever accept this
I'm still in love with my H - in June he told me I am still the funniest, smartest , most beautiful woman he knows he just doesn't feel "in love" anymore - to be so completely rejected by my best friend of 33 years - it seems everyone else on these boards comes to acceptance so much sooner - I don't think I can ever accept this
Not sure where you've been reading about people hitting acceptance quickly, but I don't think it ever happens fast. Especially if you've been a couple for any significant amount of time. I was with my WW for 24 years, am currently 6 months out from DDay, and still struggling daily. I think I'm mostly past denial, but I bounce around between anger, depression, and acceptance on different days. Based on your history, I would anticipate at least a year to start feeling anywhere near normal. I had a cousin go through a D a few years back and she said it took her a year to feel OK with things, and she didn't start dating again for another 4 years after that.
Everyone and every sitch is unique, so there isn't a defined timeline, but just assume it's going to be a while. Even if you browsed here for 10 months prior to posting, it's not that long compared to your history together. Be patient with yourself, and keep applying DB principles. You will get there, as will all of us. Be proud of the fact that your pain means you truly loved and still love your H; it means you are a compassionate, caring person.
Sometimes I wish I could just bounce from one R to the next so quickly and easily as most WAS's seem to do, but then I realize that's not a life of true happiness, and it destroys everyone involved. You will come out of this a stronger and better person.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
I agree about the bouncing to the next R, seemingly without a backward glance. But it isn't healthy and it does catch up with you. I understand that most WAS's come to truly regret the choice they made - particularly the guys. But it does take time.
I also believe that in the longer term, many LBS's actually recover better from these sitches. Although we are devastated, if we work through things, rediscover ourselves, grieve, let out our anger, we can move on healthily. However, the WAS may be left with guilt, shame, remorse and regret, which are difficult feelings to work through.
I'm glad if reading my sitch has helped you a little
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
- Your H could be going through all sorts of issues which is what is causing this, not least if your youngest are 17 that the end is in sight for the restrictions that come with parenting.
I think so. It is like he doesn't want to be a parent anymore. He just wants to show up for the special occasions - birthdays and holidays. He wants to keep everything light like nothing has happened
- It is possible that there is no affair, contact doesn't necessarily mean there is but equally denials count for nothing. My XW only admitted her R with OM1 in May (ish) but they have been involved in different ways since BD at the latest (she still denies it was/is an affair.) Whether there is or not, worrying about it only does you harm and unless he decides he wants to come back, does it matter? I know that might sound a little cold but I've spent so long trying to get my head round her 'affair' and my hurt at this but all I've done is prolong my sense of injustice and therefore my pain.
The biggest thing that has helped me has been about how I, and only I, am responsible for my feelings including whether I feel hurt or slighted
You are so right on this one. I know that I am prolonging my own pain and my need for truth and honest is contributing to that. I just keep repeating .. " Why can't he just tell the truth ?"
so to do the quote thing you need to use [/quote] at the end and at the start you need to put [quote=NAME OF POSTER] at the beginning. I've done it that way round because otherwise it will end up in a quote box so wont help explain it.
Acceptance is such a big thing and such a personal thing but it also means very different things. I found the headspace meditation App very useful in some of this and it has a program on acceptance.
What you mean by acceptance makes a big difference. I have accepted rationally that my marriage is over. It still hurts, I still wish it wasnt so and inside parts of me are screaming to not let it be so. For me its been about starting the behaviour of accepting and moving on in the hope that thoughts and feelings will fall into line with my actions.
Slowly things get easier but there are always triggers for example just seeing my XW at handovers and being reminded how stunningly beautiful she is doesn't help nor do those key parenting moments like my Daughters first day of school. But each time it the dip gets a little smaller and a little shorter.
One of the other things I find helpful is to focus on her behaviour as it is now and see it for what it is both from an empathetic point of view and from a what it is the impact on me perspective - it frames things differently which makes things a little easier.
The last thing im going say, and i know it sounds harsh but he is telling the truth - his truth. It may be factually inaccurate and have no resemblance whatsoever to how you see things but he is telling the truth of his perception. At somepoint he may see things differently but its not how he see things now (or is at least prepare to admit openly). Now I still rally against this and my own sense of injustice over it but increasingly my acceptance is not so much agreeing with my XW's point of view but instead accepting it is her view and there is nothing i can do to change it.
And on the GAL front, just keep going it gets better, it gets easier and you may even start to see some advantages to everything that has happened.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
