OK, I get it. This will take some time, if it is possible.
Last night W asked me to drive s14 to his football game b/c she had a business man photo shoot. W was going to drive s14 home after the game. I took s14 to his game, and W knew I was going to leave at halftime, but she kept texting me that she was going to be at the game early, and I could leave now, blah, blah, blah.
I wanted to watch my son play football so I staid. W came to the game shortly after it started, and she stood by me (there were no bleachers, everyone brought their own chairs, except W.) After W refused my chair, I pulled my chair back to a retaining wall so W could sit on the short part of the wall.
W look tired and frazzled. She was not dressed to impress her "business man" customer (not even a push-up bra!). We talked for a bit about s14, and small talk about how big some of the 8th graders were. Then the convo became forced.
I was not going to bring up the topic of W asking me last week to move in with her and s14. I thought W was the one to bring it up. Anyway, the topic never came up. And instead, W after complaining about s14, said that when her time "was done" I could have s14 all of the time.
I did not follow up with what she meant - perhaps I should have. At halftime, s14's team was losing by 2 tds, and I decided to leave. W walked me out.
Here comes the Wet 'Doofus Move of the Night' - As we separated so I could go to my car, we hugged each other. It was nice. But W gently said "oww". Then said "oww" a 2nd time. When we finished hugging, I noticed the solid Coleman mostly metal fold up chair I had was in my left hand while we were hugging, and it must have bashed her in her sore back. What a dork!
Today, W and I got word that s14 seriously hurt his knee while warming up to run his phy-ed 1 mile run. W took him to the ER, and he is now on crutches. W offered to have him stay at W's place and they could "snuggle" up and watch movies. He preferred to come over to my place. Ok, I am letting my pride show up on this story.
I felt disappointed, after last night's seeing W and her threatening to have me deal with s14 full-time. But I preached patience to myself, and realized this could be a slow process, as much as I thought things were starting to move in a positive direction.
Wet, Your w could have just been talking things out loud because whatever was going on w/her at the time was stressing her out. I'm sorry that your son hurt knee. I hope the damage isn't too great and that he'll be up and about in no time.
As for you my dear friend...keep your expectations at zero. Actions always speak louder than words and until she actually does something in her home to make room for you, as well as possibly helping you to pack and move, then I would take whatever she's saying w/a grain of salt.
Hang in there! She's still got a long way to go.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Dear Wet -- I haven't posted here in a long long while. I wanted you to know that I am still praying for you and your wife.
I read through this thread and I was very happy to see that your wife is looking for ways to be part of your life. And not only going to Bible study, but wanting you to know about it. That is AMAZING. Even if she still has a long way to go. I know that most folks are big on boundaries, and that boudaries are very important for our own survival, but I would also suggest reading Charlyne Cares on this topic -- because the reason that pulls your spouse back to you does not have to be the one you envision. It might be something that doesn't SEEM like a choice on her part. But she has so many choices, and she is choosing to ask you to live with her again! It could be that you can thank God for making her feel that she is so broke that she HAS to live with you, even if she thinks she doesn't really want to. That doesn't mean she is ready to be a real wife. But it means that you have the opportunity to continue to be her husband no matter what she does.
In my own life, I try to focus on what I have read in Charlyne Cares about the spouse's return. She says it won't happen as you envision, and that you have to zip your lips and it could take a couple of years (after the return, not after bomb drop! I know that looooooong, much longer!) before you start to have a real marriage again. My husband is an in-house prodigal, and believe me, it's a hell to live with someone who is going through MLC in front of you. But even when I am at my lowest, I try to remember to thank God that we are still a family, we are still under one roof. Your focus on your son is a beautiful thing, and you are right that he would rather have one household. I believe your wife might be awful to you for a while to come, or flip flop between awful and nice. But I believe you can zip your lips when you have to, pray all the time, and you will get through it and come out the other side.
And know that I'll still be praying for you, and will always have firm faith that if you are led by God in your own actions, this dark will be turned to the Good.
Love, Gerda
Last edited by Gerda; 09/12/1504:57 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Thank you Job. Yes, my W is like that - sharing what is on her mind off the cuff. Thanks also for the reminder that I should have no expectations.
Gerda! I am so happy you have stopped by. I am grateful for your suggestion of the 'Charlyne Cares' daily emails, they are great and filled with scriptures that encourage me. I also receive the Men's weekly devotional. And thank you for your continued prayers.
Yes, I have a vision of how things could work out between my W and I. And reality doesn't seem to be anywhere close to what I was thinking. ------ S14 came to my place yesterday after his ER visit for his knee. This is heart-breaking - one of the first things out of his mouth was "Dad, mom wants to go travelling across America. And I'm not going with her. Will you take care of me full-time when she leaves?" Ouch!
So now W's prior comments that her time being the mother of s14 "was done" is making sense. She wants to hit the road. W has a bunch of photographer friends across the country that she could visit. But I think this is just the "confused mind" of my MLC W.
W is thinking of doing a "road-trip" across the country, and also thinking about having me move in with her. Ayeyiyi?! I am having a tough time with this - except to remember to DB, and just give her space as she sorts thru this.
Good morning wet. I have been mia for a while and this week won't be any better.
The best you can do is be the rock for your son. I think your wife is thinking out loud and is still way too deep in her crisis to make much sense. If you do this, she can go run off and do this and that, sort of thinking. She isn't reconciling, she is running and from her parental duties as well.
Dig deep and stay the course. Create a solid place for you and your kids.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
- I met with my old boss on Monday and he has confirmed our new fairer agreement. He also sent one of his clients to me for some immediate legal help;
- D20 turned 21 this past Wednesday. I took her to the bar for 'happy hour' today where I had my 1st legal drink. Our convo was forced, I asked her about all the things going on in her life - job, school, boyfriend, etc. She didn't feel like talking.
After her 2nd drink (I was driving) she seemed like she wanted to share something with me. But I didn't force it, she did tell me W is still seeing angry/drunk om. He is either in treatment again or in AA. D21 also told me that 'Mom' also mentioned when they had dinner together earlier this week, that she is seeing an extremely wealthy fellow photographer from another state who was previously infatuated with her. But she thought a year ago he was too old and kinda creepy. So I don't know or care whether he is back, or W was just telling a "war story" about her previous beaus.
- S14 is healing quickly from his bad knee. He should be able to get to practice again this week;
- I had some 'Spinal Tap' today and it felt so goooood. I had steroids pumped into my lower spine, and the numbing agent made my legs feel great for a few hours. I think they are on the right track of diagnosing and treating what is going on in my legs;
- W did not go to Bible study on Tuesday night. She switched to a Thursday Bible study, Yay!
I am encouraged by this past week's happenings. I have s14 for the weekend - if only he would wake up!
I was having a good week, then I received the call that my 85 year old dad was in the ICU. Heart disease, heart racing, etc. When I arrived there this afternoon, my dad's blood pressure was 89/58 - too low!
5 minutes later, his blood pressure was 171/120! He had trouble breathing, he was thrashing around and could not get comfortable. It was difficult to watch. My mom was there, and I was glad to provide comfort for her.
They changed medications and did a great job treating the symptoms. By the time I left, he was sleeping and all of his vitals were back to normal.
Hi Wet, I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. It sounds as though the hospital got things under control pretty quickly and it's good you were able to be there for him and your Mum. As you say, it's a horrible thing to go through though.
I hope things have settled down now and your Dad will be home again soon.
Take care, Sotto xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you Sotto. Yes, my dad is doing better. They removed 2 liters of fluids from him, which has helped with his breathing. He will be out of the ICU this afternoon.
