What should I do? We have not spoken about "us" in almost a month. Shouldn't we be trying something? Help please I'm making myself crazy, what is the smart choice?
That is good. I'd keep that up. It is going to take more than a month to get any kind of change.
Think of it this way. Your W already associates you w/ pain to a level that interferes w/ normal friendly interaction. Why would you want to bring up your R in that situation and further cement the association? And, all you're going to get is a defensive, back-off reaction. It wont tell you anything more than you already know now will it? Just honor her need for space. That's showing her you respect her to handle her issues and decide what she wants and needs. That's your best bet.
My advice (that sometimes I don't apply to my own sitch) is that if you feel a strong pull to take some action, the best thing you can do is not take that action. Just focus on the feelings and why you feel that compulsion. It's an opportunity to get to know something about your core beliefs and habitual reflexes. The urge will pass, and it will pass faster if you lean into understanding why you are feeling that urge.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I listened to a talk at my meditation center similar to your suggestion. It appealed to me then and now, as a way to manage compulsions. I forgot to try it but I will try it next time I feel an strong urge to do something, anything.
I am proud that i have not had a relationship talk with her for a month. I would have been disappointed if I had spoke with her about it today. You and Azzork were right.
The funny thing is I knew it too. I became frantic, for what reason I not sure. Posting made me feel better. Next time this happens I will meditate and post before I interact with my wife. Thanks to you kind people my wife does not even know I had a melt down today.
Mutatio, I often notice that if I post before reacting to my H I end up choosing a very different course of action, usually that of no action at all. Sometimes I even write up a post and delete it because I realize I am very repetitive in my postings and don't want to "bother" you all. You are doing well, we all get frantic, that is normal. This is the place to let it all out!
I've done this any number of times too. If I don't talk myself out of it, one of you find people smacks me upside the head w/ a 2x4. Either way, mission accomplished.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thanks for the support, photoka. I can't speak for our friends but your posts are never a bother to me. I really enjoy getting the perspective of a female LBS. Your opinions matter to me.
Hi Beagley, I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I think I have be struggling with this for a while. It's the silent treatment, I push down the need to talk to respect her wishes and after a month there is no more room to push it down. Funny thing is now I feel a lot better.
To answer your question, I choose to do this work around the house I like doing it. I have learned to cook and I like it. I have always maintained the house, it's in my skill set. I actively try to be there for my kids and do whats needed (today 2 to the orthodontist) because I was not there when they were younger because of work and bad habits. Being with them brings me joy.
My demeanor is good. If I give off a hint of anything it's fear and nervousness. I am not happy about that but I feel like the gallows are being built in my front yard.
Your questions were good. I don't feel your trying to get at me. You are helping me find my way through difficult situation. Thank you Beagley for your kindness and compassion.
Upon reflection I think that in the past I would go to her and make things go from bad to worse. Now I can come here, and share with my friends. Thank you one and all.
Phew, glad you took it in the way it was intended and you do seem to have a solid view of where you are. Maybe it is the fear and nervousness that she is mis-reading but it is understandable that you find it hard to keep this in check.
Removing the idea in your head of "the gallows" may well help as its only a thought, not reality. You do not know exactly what is going to happen, try to keep this in mind and make it your new focus.
Remember the strangest things happen at the strangest of times like a BD for instance, so anything can and will take place nothing is for certain. Creating a negative self fulfilling prophecy is something to keep away from except in those dark moments that visit all of us from time to time. It's all part of the PMA we all practise, right?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Is cleaning out the garage a euphemism for something or what you are actually going to do with your day?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Honestly, I never fathomed how my life could be turned into something this horrible. The pain you are going through is agony. Just by being here, all of us are united in a special way. We all love. We are all afraid, broken, and hurting. Bleeding out every day. Trying to hold on in the maelstrom of blows that rain down on us. It strips us down to our bones.
Then there are these other people. Our spouses. They are not like us. They are not here trying. I have a certain hatred in me for all of them. The selfishness. It is said that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. They are indifferent to our pain, to our emotions, our hearts. We are good men and women that have made mistakes, but have in our hearts a fire to love beyond what anyone should endure.
There was a study done about pain. Researchers found that people could endure much more pain if they knew when it would end. We don't get that luxury. I feel like that's one of the things that our souls are crying out for. Why we pursue. We want some little whisper of hope for when it will end. We seek it out in the relationship all the time. To feel whole again.
We are powerful and subtle machines. We perceive so much. It's torture. Pure and simple. I would not wish this on anyone, and certainly not on someone like you who has such a strong and loving heart. Someone who works hard to care for his family, in all the small things that no one even notices. You will be rewarded for it all one day. That I know.
My IC always tells me that I can't heal. That all I can do is survive. Until there is closure, until there is an end, for good or ill, I just have to survive. So go easy on yourself. Love your self. And I do really recommend that book, "No more Mr. Nice Guy". Changed a bunch of things in me, and I think you would get something out of it. It's on kindle if you have a smart phone.
My heart is with you brother. May you find peace and happiness today, even in something small.
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
Solo15, that's very deep and dark. You seem very eloquent and self aware so will understand when you hear something along the lines of, how you think you become.
I am not saying you are wrong in how you see things, it's simply that you perception is a little off at the moment which suggests that you are being influenced by your wife's actions and that you don't have a clear picture of what you want to achieve and the steps involved in making that happen.
I will pop over to your thread now and hope that we can share more dialogue there about our respective sitch's as there does seem to be quite a lot in common in that what you are saying mirrors some of my thoughts not that long ago.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
