I've been lurking for weeks now, since the famous BD. I've been married 20 years, my 1st - his 2nd. We have five children, the youngest are 18 year old twins.
It started with an e-mail, simply stating "he's done". Mind you, he texted me at 1 in the morning advising me to read my e-mail while he was out of town. Courageous, right?
When he finally came home the next day, he generously spared me 5 minutes for discussion before running out of the house to go to a party. He stayed away the rest of the weekend, and only came home to pack and go out of town for the next week.
Typical MLC bullcrap...ILYBNILWY, been thinking about it for years, no point in counseling, and it was ALL MY FAULT. I have transformed into a demon. Unfortunately, I did not know about DB/DR yet, so I bought into all the nonsense, sent several pleading e-mails, cried nonstop, and fell apart.
I should mention I suffer from Heart Failure and Fibromyalgia...stress is not good for either of these conditions. I got online, started researching, and found this site. I am so glad I did or I might have collapsed.
I started GAL, walking daily, hours of mirror-work, and prayer. I asked him to give me some time to wrap my mind around it...he did not honor that request, choosing to tell me he was getting a divorce ASAP and I needed to get on board every time the kids left the room.
He asked me if I was going to fight the divorce, and I asked him to let me think a bit. He filed that afternoon without my knowledge.
I asked home to wait on telling the kids, and he called them right away. Clearly, he cares nothing for my needs. Of course, he told all five how it was all my fault.
I've been working on staying calm, showing him through actions (when he's actually here) some of my changes. I knew it would be a long haul, but I was prepared to stop begging, reasoning, pleading, and just work on me.
I asked him if there was someone else, and he kept denying it. I believed him because his first wife was a cheater and he was so furious about it.....swore he would never do that. This man gave me lectures over the years about how divorce was not an option! We would work through challenges.
Granted, our marriage was in bad shape. We needed counseling, but he refused to go. I just had no idea it was that bad. We were living separate lives, he was spending all his time away from home with a new group of friends. Lots of drinking, none in a committed relationship, etc. I am so stupid! I trusted him.
Today, I got what I deserved. One of his friends was playing Facebook games, and unfriended me. Of course, I was curious so I went to look at the page. Moron forgot to change privacy settings, so there's a mention of a party with my husband's name linked to a woman I've never heard of.
...I went snooping....
My heartfelt, pleading e-mails... all forwarded to this woman! I almost cannot breathe. When he came home, I pounced. I asked him about this woman, and he claimed to barely know her. So I told him I'd snooped and knew better....then he tells me about the other women he wants to date as soon as he gets rid of me....it's not just her. He seems to believe it's not cheating if he hasn't done the deed yet.
Believe it or not, I was still talking marriage counseling and forgiveness at this point. He kept pressing me on whether I was going to hire a lawyer or not. I told him I couldn't talk anymore, and I'd talk with him tomorrow, and left the room.
True to form, he gave me no space. A couple of hours later, he comes into the bedroom, "Well?"
I've had time to think, and I am ANGRY. I told him, growled is more like it, that I said earlier I would talk to him tomorrow, and for once, he was going to honor my request. He slammed the door on his way out.
Then, here he comes again....and I lost it. Asked him if his girlfriend needed an answer. Then he said, what about all that forgiveness talk? I told him I was so angry right then that I couldn't even go there right now. I reminded him that I couldn't believe a word he was saying, denying he even knew this woman and then sending her my letters. I called him a lying, cheating b***tard. He wondered if I was telling the kids. I don't remember exactly what I screamed then, but it had something to do with me saving his reputation and me being a demon.
He finally left. Thank God, because I was vomiting at that point. I don't know what to do. He sleeps elsewhere, but works from home when he's in town. I want to move his things out of the bedroom, because I just cannot deal with looking at him. I need space. This is so hurtful...I want to die.
Anyone have tips on recovering from this kind of freak out?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi Judy - I'm really sorry you're here and for what you are going through. You couldn't have stumbled into a better place.
My recommendation for right now is to try to calm down and re center yourself. While anger is certainly natural, the yelling and fighting isn't going to help anything.
Yes, I have read DR. Obviously need to read it again. I just wish he would leave me alone and let me come to grips. He is so worried about what a lawyer will do to him. Maybe he should have thought about that first?
I am calming down, a bit. The betrayal....just slays me. I do not know who this man is anymore.
Unfortunately, I am all too aware of that betrayal. It sounds like some distance will be good for both of you.
I'm certainly no lawyer, but in my opinion, you need to protect yourself and your financials. As you said, he's not the same man you knew anymore. You can't trust him to have your best interest at heart. I don't see any reason why you WOULDNT hire a L.
So sorry, Judy. The betrayal is the hardest thing to deal with, in my opinion. I'm no one to give much counsel, as I'm still reeling 4 months in. But slowly, things shift. No way around it. Good people here, that's for sure. Hang in there.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Thanks so much, guys. Being able to vent really does help. I'm in a bad spot, no question, but I'm determined to be a better person than HE is. I need to protect myself, no question.
When I told him I wanted him to leave, he was outraged. "Not fair." How on earth can you reason with someone who is only concerned with themselves?
How on earth can you reason with someone who is only concerned with themselves?
You can't. Completely maddening. But you can't.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
When I told him I wanted him to leave, he was outraged. "Not fair." How on earth can you reason with someone who is only concerned with themselves?
You can't and don't try to reason with a WS. You choose your personal boundaries, lay them out clearly, then enforce them. You need to be focused on yourself right now, and take whatever actions are needed to protect yourself, including consulting with an attorney. It may be hard to accept but right now, your H is your enemy. Find your inner strength and show him you are not a doormat.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
I had a few freak outs like that before I found DB. They didn't make anything better, but I think sometimes that we need to forgive ourselves for reacting as normal human beings. If I were you I'd find the best L I could to protect my finances and learn my rights, then I'd go No contact. He sure has escalated things quickly. Your kids are adults, they will figure things out without you saying a word. I am sorry for your sitch. Keep posting and reading, I think you will get good advice here.
