SJ, has the book arrived yet? Chapter 3, Page 80 is where you should go if it has.
What you've written above is a step in the right direction in that you are focussing on you and what results you are looking for, although they need to be measureable and have some timing associated with them.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
...I suppose what I want is to know for sure that he wants me...
We all want that in our sitch's too. When you've figured it out please can you let us all know so we can apply the same wisdom. :-)
Azzork mentioned "Huddy" above, I really recommend you tracking his threads down and taking a read as there are parallels with you and I'd hate things to end up in the same place for you. There is a big difference though in that you are definitely listening more to what you are being encouraged to do. Azzork is awesome, I've learnt so much from him.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
be warm, kind and cheerful show appreciation verbally no pursuing for physical affection or time spent together cheerful and accepting if he initiates affection or time spent together
As B said, this is a good framework. But how will you know if you succeeded. What will you look for on Sept 30 to know if you accomplished these? What actual behaviors will you DO?
Originally Posted By: SJ
How will I know it is working:
he asks to spend time with me he asks me questions about my day or how I am feeling he initiates physical affection or sex he spends evenings in the same room as me two or three times in a week
How does that sound?
For a start these are ok too. But I think they may be a couple steps ahead of where you are now. If I told you that you would R, what would be the FIRST few things you'd look for?
Also, Huddy has about 12 threads. But the last couple had several folks trying to help him set goals and look for progress. There may be some ideas in there!
Good point, thank you for the more crafted guidance Azzork.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
As B said, this is a good framework. But how will you know if you succeeded. What will you look for on Sept 30 to know if you accomplished these? What actual behaviors will you DO?
I'm not sure I understand. I think these goals are specific, actual behaviours - about giving complements and appreciation, about keeping a cheerful disposition, etc. I guess I will know if I have done them, because I'll have done them. I'm sorry, there's obviously something I'm missing.
But yes, I take your point about the other list being too far ahead of where I am now. I need to think about that more. I stayed up and read Huddy's posts last night and I plan to re-read chap 3 of DB tonight so I hope that will help. I will give it more thought - and I am really grateful for your suggestions, and for your pushing me - I'm not trying to be obstructive. I just don't think I've fully got hold of the concept yet. But I will. Give me time.
As for today.
Well, I achieved all my goals. I was happy and cheerful and appreciated the work DH is doing around the house. He really is working hard - there are a few cosmetic maintenance type things that need sorting out before the estate agent comes round next week, and he's been working really really hard on getting them done without help from me - I've been marking papers today. So I cooked him lunch (not usual for me) and said how much I appreciated him taking control of this aspect of the house sale prep and what a weight it was off my mind knowing he was in charge of it. He thanked me for the lunch but went into another room to eat it. I didn't follow him or comment on that - which is a change for me.
There have been some moves and changes on his part too. He told me today he was worried about the house sale, and he thought it had been affecting him. I said I could understand why he was stressed. (Inwardly - it just seems like one more excuse to me - we've only been talking about selling the house for six months, and his cold behaviours towards me are not new). He cooked our evening meal and I went into the kitchen afterwards to clean up and wash up.
After that, he asked me to come back into the kitchen. He stood over me and pointed out some food caught in the drainer of the sink. He wasn't shouting or aggressive, but he was cold, critical and treating me like a child. I said I'd try to remember better next time and walked away. He followed me and kept on saying, 'will you remember, will you remember?'. I said, 'I believe I've already answered that question,' and left the room.
I'm not sure if that was good or not. I've been working really hard on figuring out how he needs me to show respect to him. I think the appreciation has made a difference to him. It is early days, of course. But I also can't be disrespected like that in front of my children - talked to like I'm stupid, or like a kid. I can't get into conversations where I'm being brow-beaten and berated - it doesn't scare me but it does upset me and it is a behaviour that disgusts me, and which damages my esteem for him.
It is almost as if he thinks that my respecting him would look the same way as the kind of respect we require our children to show to him. I really don't feel like he sees me as a partner. I've come up to my room to read. He's downstairs with his headphones on again. I'm not hiding. Tonight I actively don't want to be around him. This is the new normal for us.
Right. I am off to read. Tomorrow I have GAL with the kids planned during the day and GAL with a friend (female) in the evening. I have no idea what he has planned and I haven't asked him so he can feel free to do what he likes.
For a start these are ok too. But I think they may be a couple steps ahead of where you are now. If I told you that you would R, what would be the FIRST few things you'd look for
The very first things?
Being spoken to with politeness and respect, and some warmth. Being asked questions about my day, my work, etc. Him volunteering information about his day, etc.
This feels like a science experiment in some ways. Stepping right back from him, not pursuing him at all - and watching to see how he responds to small changes in my behaviour. I don't feel like I'm manipulating him - I am only doing things that I want to do, with no real expectation of any change on his part - but I do feel like I'm getting more information.
I'm finding that if I don't initiate conversation, we can spend the entire day in the whole house, in separate rooms, in silence. I'm finding that if I don't initiate physical contact - arm touches, rubs, hugs, etc - then there isn't any - at all. I see that he appreciates me complimenting his work.
