I don't understand it either Az. I think that if they reach agreement in mediation, that may be the end. Outside of a few days to get everything officially signed, notarized, etc. But no idea; I'm sure it varies by location.
If that's the case, I agree that one last ditch attempt at R may be in order. Doesn't mean you can't continue trying even after D, but if you are reaching your own personal breaking point, not much left to lose. Personally, I consider myself done after D. I'm planning to file after a full year of S, then will be another 6 months until D final. If WW can't show some signs of wanting to save a 24-year R after 18 months apart, I give up. I may still have feelings even then, but will be taking active steps to move on by that point, including dating.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
GB, Az, Dwh, Thanks for the replies! I'm not sure how it works either but based on how everything has went so far, I would think we'd be able to resolve everything in mediation. That's why I feel like the end is near.
My problem with sending a letter like that is I don't feel STBX is anywhere close to working on R. She is obviously conflicted but she appears to be more upset about her loss of friends and normalcy then she is about losing me and MR. That's not a R I would ever want to be in. See, STBX opened this door and now I realize that I deserve better.
STBX called me on our wedding anniversary and acknowledged that it was sad. I asked her why she felt that way and she couldn't really tell me, just that it was sad.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
As I finished talking with kids last night, STBX asked to talk with me. She basically apologized for building up resentment against me at the end of MR. I responded by briefly apologizing for my role in that. She then said that she didn't want me to be so stoic. I responded that I was confused as to how I was supposed to act towards her. I told STBX that I would not be able to be friends with her going forward. She said she didn't understand why this was so.
STBX wondered out loud if I ever cared for her. I responded by saying that I cared for her deeply in the past and I sincerely hope that she is happy in the future. STBX became tearful and after a few minutes of wishing her the best, I just ended the call with, "Goodbye, Xxxxxx."
If you're wondering, at no time did STBX ever say anything remotely hinting at working on R.
I know that I will obviously see STBX again but that conversation felt like a little bit of closure for both of us.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Thanks, RAI. Just doing the best I can. I appreciate the kudos.
STBX called this morning and asked to come over to say hello. I agreed. We engaged the kids for a bit. As I was navigating the end of her visit, STBX asked if she could talk with me upstairs.
STBX laid down on my bed and wrapped her arms around me. She asked me why I unfriended her on Facebook and Instagram. I just told her that I'm ready to start a new chapter of my life. She became tearful and continued to say that she was sad and she was sorry she let me down. She then made a comment about me being able to forgive her. I just kept quiet as I wasn't sure how to respond. I did say that I know she is dealing with a bunch of emotions right now and I would like to hear how she is feeling. However, STBX didn't really respond to this so I let it be. After a few minutes, I mentioned that she should head home and get some rest.
STBX slowly said her goodbyes to the kids. She had tears in her eyes as she watched me play with the kids. She came over to hug me multiple times. I kept them brief. I then walked her to the door. She hugged me once more. I looked into STBX's eyes and simply said, "You always have a choice." Then I said goodbye and she left.
It is what it is. Maybe I was too receptive too her hugs. Who knows? I don't expect to see her again before mediation on Wednesday so I figured it couldn't hurt to be gentle with STBX. I'm sure her sentimentality is normal at this stage of the sitch so I'm not reading anything into it. I don't plan to do anything out of the ordinary from here on out. Reality will set in soon enough for both of us.
And oh yeah, happy week 1 of NFL football everybody!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Hey gang. Mediation went well today. Nothing shocking. All that's left is for a judge to make D final. Feel that we arrived at good agreement.
Definitely feel odd about everything. It's sad to hear STBX actually say that she love's me so much and still voice indecision even after we signed the agreement.
What's next for me? Not sure. I definitely think it will take a bit for everything to sink in and for me to catalog all my emotions.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I cant imagine the thoughts and feelings you have had these last couple of days. I hope my WW and I can end in mediation as well. I think you did the right thing. The ball is in her court and you were right not to beg for her in the end. It was a trap in my opinion. You did well IMHO.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
She then made a comment about me being able to forgive her. I just kept quiet as I wasn't sure how to respond.
Forgiveness doesn't equate reconciliation of your relationship. Meaning you can forgive her someday....when she apologizes, stops the behavior and repents. At that point in time it would likely be unhealthy for you to remain in a close relationship with her at all (unless you reconcile your marriage) but that decision would be made a later time and depend on many factors.
Factors:
1. How long before she actually repents 2. Whether you are in a new relationship or not at that time as you aren't going to make some new wife (or girlfriend) second fiddle behind a woman that cast you aside. 3. Whether her apology is real...crocodile tears just don't cut it. 4. Whether she is willing to and/or makes amends
The short answer is:" I can forgive you when you demonstrate you are really sorry. Doesn't mean will will for sure be buddy buddy thereafter. Forgiving a wife is probably a simple (but not easy) thing to do. I've told you several times I am willing and able to try to recover and rebuild our marriage and your ignoring that and continuing down this path has just served to push me further away. When a spouse cheats on you, cast you aside, chases you around hugging and kissing you and telling you how much she misses you but never stops divorcing you is probably not "friend" material."
"Leave your job working with [OM's wife's first name] husband, let me know you want to be my wife again and commit to taking full responsibility for your behavior and working a recovery plan and, if I'm still available and interested I'll consider it. Otherwise, please leave me alone so I can heal from this the most hurtful experience of my life and the lives of our children."
Please limit your communication with me to only emergencies and pertinent information regarding our children; and, even then only do so by text message or email. [I'd prefer you to advise you to use an intermediary for communications and run your child exchanges through a neutral party such that you do not see or speak to each other in person for at least one year but that's just me. I feel it's healthier but I understand a lot of people in real life with pressure you to behave otherwise "for the kids" which is code for "suck it up buttercup...your hurt is making everyone else uncomfortable and if you love your kids you'll swallow it". Consider giving yourself at least 3, 6, 9, 12 months without directly relating to your ex-wife at all (unless she desperate to try to reconcile, leaves the job and commits to a recovery plan) as a truly healthy individual recovery plan for you.]
Take care. My sister lives off Spanish River. I probs won't be down there until 2016...MAYBE....wish there was a way we could meet for a drink, philosophy talk and some Karaoke in the coffee district.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
WhyUs, Thanks for the encouragement. I wish you the best in the resolution of your sitch. I would have been a fool not to sign the mediation agreement.
GB, Thank you so much for your continued support and gut checking advice during this journey. The tragic part about all of this is just last night STBX tearfully tells me that she feels that this is all her fault. Also, she just accepted a job in a different department at the same hospital. However, for me, once the D is final, it is my intention to move on from any R for good, other than coparenting, with STBX.
If you are in my area sometime in the near future, I would enjoy meeting up to share a beverage.
Cheers!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Just wanted to check in to offer an update and ask for some advice.
Quick recap...D mediation finalized last Wednesday. However, immediately following, STBX expressed a lot of uncertainty and doubt about the sitch. Last Thursday night, she called and we talked, more like I listened, for about an hour or so. STBX still wants to play the blame game but shows a real lack of direction.
I started thinking about the DB journey and all the strategies therein. Then I asked myself if I would have any regrets when the D became final. You know, the mirror test. I figured I would always regret not providing the vision of a different future for my children and my STBX. It would be one thing if STBX was obstinate and resolute but she was not. Maybe STBX is conflicted because she doesn't have a vision for any future other than D right now. I also knew that time was of the essence for me emotionally because once D is final, I will not have any interest in hanging around.
So, I decided to call STBX Friday morning and provide an alternate ending for this sitch. I didn't beg. I didn't plead her to reconsider. I just told her that I would always regret us not trying harder for the kids. I reminded her that we had nothing left to lose at this point. She said that she had her reservations and I told her that I had mine to. STBX asked questions about what the future might hold. I answered them with conviction but healthy uncertainty. I didn't demand an answer but I felt successful in at least getting her to imagine a different future for herself.
Since then, our interactions seem more frequent and more friendly. However, I'm sure this is more me making myself available to STBX. Yesterday when I picked up the kids, STBX gave me one of the tightest hugs in quite a while. Additionally, she told me that I looked really good. She repeated it later that night. However, she has not really responded or reacted to our Friday conversation. And of course, the worst thing to do would be to pressure her right now.
I know what I did might seem in opposition to some DB principles. However, I just felt like I needed to respond to STBX's uncertainty with leadership and vision. I have nothing to lose at this point and know I can truly say I have no regrets.
Any advice on what I should do next?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
