Have i been making mistakes too long part 5

[tkdmme]

So my family reunion is this weekend in TN. This is about 4 hours away. Me and the kids are going. I told my wife a few weeks back that I would like her to come as well. She declined and said that it would make her uncomfortable to be around my family. His is my W of 16 years who has been a big part of my family. I have a huge family in TN and we used to go there 4 or 5 times a year. She has always loved my family and they love her. I don't understand why she isn't willing to go. I get that she doesn't want to be around me but why would she not want to see my family. If for no other reason than for our kids.

My D12 asked me last night if mom was going with us. I told her no. She didn't ask but I could see on her face she wanted to know why.

This has really hurt me. My father is sick with cancer and he has been great to her. always helped us when we needed help.

It is going to be difficult explaining why my W is not with me to the extended family. My parents know what is going on but the rest of the family does not. What do I tell the kids when they ask why mom is not coming? What do I tell the family when they ask where she is?

Im looking forward to seeing my family but im sick that she will not come.

Im wondering if I should send my W an email telling her how much this bothers me. Is this a good idea?

[Sotto]

Hi Tk, no I wouldn't do anything about this. Just respect your W's choice that she doesn't wish to come and understand it would make her uncomfortable at this point. You resisting it, or trying to pursuade her (by telling he how much this bothers you) won't be productive would be my guess.

Let her be, go and make the most of it with your kids and decide on what you will tell others. It could be as simple as - oh, she had to work this weekend...

A big part of DBing is managing to let go some of these things that bother us and accept 'what is, right now.' We may not like it, but we can accept it.

Good luck with things my friend

[tkdmme]

Sotto,

Thanks for the advise. I kind of knew that I shouldn't write her or tell her how it makes me feel that she will not go with us. I just needed to hear it from one of you guys.

What do you think I should tell the kids? They know how bad things are right now and maybe they wont even ask. I have struggled about how much or little to tell them. They see me changing for the better and my relationship with them has improved drastically.

I want them to know that I am trying to keep our family together. In the end I guess I want them to know that this was not my decision.

My W is a great mother and always has been. She loves our kids more than life. I don't want them to think badly of her. I just want them to know that I did all I could to repair the sitch.

[Azzork]

My W is a great mother and always has been. She loves our kids more than life. I don't want them to think badly of her. I just want them to know that I did all I could to repair the sitch.

Im worried that what I marked in red and what I marked in blue are going to be mutually exclusive. That said, I dont think it is your job to worry about or influence either one of these. The relationship between your W and your kids is between them. The more you butt in, the worse your W will think of you. Id just leave it all alone.

[tkdmme]

Azz,

I understand what you mean and I agree.

Im looking forward to this weekend. Im still bummed that the W is not going but after thinking hard about it, I think im bummed because of selfish reasons. I know I will be wondering what she is doing while we are away. Its not so much that I want her to be there. She is actually kind of a downer these days.

I just wish I knew whether there was someone else involved in this or not. I keep going back and forth. She told me yesterday that she was going to visit a mutual friend (recently divorced female) next weekend for the friends 40th bday. I know that it is indeed the friends bday but I shudder at the thought of what they will be doing. This is my Ws best friend from high school and they are both heavy drinkers. The friend is also not exactly the modest type. My W however has always been very modest in her dress and demeanor.

Anyway, I just worry that her friend will influence her to do something immoral while she is away.

I don't know why I keep fixating on what she will do. And I don't know why I keep posting these things fully knowing that this is the wrong way to think at this point. Im only human and I get upset and worried sometimes.

This is just so exhausting and I need a break. I need so badly for something good to happen in my life right now. This has been the worst year of my life by far. Everything seems to be falling apart.

Ok, sorry for the pity party. Life goes on, right?

[mutatio]

"I need so badly for something good to happen in my life right now."

Look at those 3 beautiful children right in front of you, give them all the love and compassion you can muster.

Be the man tkdmme, love those children, this is good.

[sandi2]

We can't make people have compassion. It makes no difference to her how she makes you feel or anyone else, for that matter. I would not send her an email. Go have fun. When the kids and relatives ask, don't cover for her. Tell them she apparently had something else she wanted to do. I know the spot you are in, b/c there was a time that my H would not go to any of my family reunions.

[tkdmme]

So I'm in my home town with my kids for my family reunion. This really hard to be here without my w. I woke up this morning sad. I'm haveing a good cry this morning but I am going to pull out of this and have a good time today. It's so hard to let go.

We had a fight before I left yesterday. Apparently my w broke into my phone and read my messages. I had been talking with a friend from high school (female) about my sitch. My friend has gone through a divorce. The messages were inocent but I had vented to my friend about my w. I could tell it bothered the w.

If she doesn't want to be with me and wants me to move on then why is she breaking into my phone? I told my w that she has no business snooping on me and that she could have asked and I would have shown her my phone. I have nothing to hide.

[tkdmme]

So, me and kids came home from the family reunion at 6pm last night. The wife welcomed the kids and told them she missed them. She said nothing to me. She later reminded me that she was going to a friend's 40th bday party this coming weekend.

I hate this so much. Im feeling ok with things but im ready for this to be over. I know it will not be over for a long time. At this point I know that I will be ok no matter what happens but im scared of the future either way.

BTW before I left for the reunion she told me that she could afford the house by herself when we refinance. I told her that I would not refinance with her knowing that she is going to divorce me. She was angry and said that I should do it so the kids don't have to move.

Im torn on this. I don't want the kids to have to move but I don't think its smart to refinance with her when she wants a divorce.

I need so help with this. I would appreciate any advise.

[Huddy]

I wouldn't touch a refinance with a barge pole. She's using the kids excuse to get you to do something for her...pure selfishness. Don't do it.