Vidya

[PigPen]

There's a lot to be learned and accomplished in marital purgatory Mutatio. Every day is a day to prove to yourself that you're a better man. Every day is an opportunity to learn something new about relationships, communication, self esteem, and even the word that's gotten us all here - love.

Keep doing the work you're doing, keep being strong even on the days you don't want to. I echo Beagley, keep believing in yourself.

PP

[mutatio]

Thank you PigPen. I struggle with self confidence. It has been said that the DB experience can make one a better person. I believe that I will be but this is a hell of a way to earn your stripes.

You have always been kind to me PigPen, I appreciate that, thanks.

[PigPen]

Mutatio when things get ripped away from you, the most important things, you get to rebuild your life however you want to.

This is the worst way to earn your stripes my friend, and you don't have to earn them. But if you want them, you can use this experience as a catalyst to earn them and more. BD happened already right? Nothing you can do about that. Your and my January of this year were equally awful. Nothing we can do right? And time is going to pass too. Nothing we can do about that either. BUT, we can use BD and time to forge ourselves into new men.

You've still got a lot of living to do and kids that look up to you. Take stock of the areas where you want to see improvement in your life and then use the pain of this experience as currency to invest in those improvements.

Every day you hold your integrity high and keep your (censored) together your self esteem can build. It's like drips of water in a large jug, you may not see it at first, but it's happening.

Keep it up Mutatio.

PP

[mutatio]

I want so much to sit with my wife, talk, laugh and see her smile at me. Instead I sit in another room, having said less then 5 sentences today. She won't talk to me. She prefers to be left alone. The silent treatment is hard on me.

Obviously I must respect her wishes but this path seems to end with not fixing the marriage.

What am I missing here?

[asitis]

You are missing that every time you try to intrude into that you are reinforcing her association of stress and you, & anger at you not respecting her wish to not have you in her life right now. You need to let that just mellow for a while. If you do, you may just have your chance to have a few pleasant moments, and then after a while longer a few more.

You're the oak try, but you need to bend like the willow in the storm. Different environment requires different approaches. The old approach doesn't work. Let her work through her stuff in peace. I know you want to be with her, but trying will just make it worse and hasten the bad result. Your choice of course. No guarantees, but it is a lot of how patient can you really be?

Let her be, thank G*d M didn't bother me tonight that was really pleasant. Then it will be I really want that to continue, which means driving M out of my life if he intrudes. To months later, I wonder what M is doing? Then maybe, just maybe, I wonder why M doesn't come around any more, maybe I'll see what he is doing.

That's what you are doing to save your M. It is much, much harder than going in there because you really miss her. Much harder. One doesn't seem like doing, the other does, but look at as how much effort it takes rather than how much action you take.

[mutatio]

Thanks asitis. I see it now, the last paragraph sealed the deal. Thanks.

[mutatio]

I need help, what should I do?

Last night after work and an evening night class I said hi and get a silent wave. This morning, my wife does not respond to "good morning", complains to me about kids leaving dishes in the sink, drinks her coffee not looking or talking and all I get is silence when I leave I say "Have a good day".

The question is should I stop talking also? Answer her questions and that's it? How does silence make this better.
Isn't this quitting? I thought salutations were the right thing to do. What should I do?

Thanks in advance for your help, this is eating at me.

[asitis]

Be polite. What would you do if you said "good morning" to a neighbor & got no response? My W went through a very angry phase, when there was a lot of silence & I just gave her space after learning that she didn't want to talk to me or respond to me. Don't force it.

Just say "good morning" as if you don't expect a response. You're fine either way. That should be your attitude & what you convey. M is doing well w/ or wo/ W, and you aren't needing her response to make you feel good or secure, etc.

If she does want to talk or get something off her shoulders, just listen & validate. If she doesn't want to be polite, that's her problem not yours. You shouldn't do any passive aggressive body language that it gets to you or you think she is being silly or childish. Just say the polite thing in passing as you go on to whatever it is you are doing or whatever is next.

So, stay casually polite while you go about your business, but you need to do in in a way that makes clear that you have no expectations of a response in kind & that's OK. In other words, no pressure on her to do what she doesn't. It respects her wishes wo/ turning you into something you don't want to be: rude like her.

[Azzork]

That's what you are doing to save your M. It is much, much harder than going in there because you really miss her. Much harder. One doesn't seem like doing, the other does, but look at as how much effort it takes rather than how much action you take.

It is a choice to do nothing. It is often a very hard and yet very powerful choice.

[asitis]

Oh, and whatever you do, don't ask her what's bothering her or if she needs to talk or tell you something. She's a big girl (despite her behavior to the contrary), and it is her responsibility to tell you when & how she wants to.

I can't tell how many times I got suckered into inquiring solicitously to my regret. Just let her decide if she's ready to tell you what she needs to tell you or keep it to herself.