Have i been making mistakes too long part 5

[tkdmme]

Uphill,

Thanks for the response. The beginning of the week funk seems to be going around. It is raining here and it seems that the depression is worse when its raining.

Just knowing that you guys are out there is useful to me.

Thanks again.

[Azzork]

Even though she still ( over a year since BD ) says she's not sure what she wants and isn't happy

Sent this to Ghost earlier, but I'll send it to you too. At BD, the essence of what the WAS thinks is:

Im not happy and you are the cause of it. I will be happier without you.

Thats pretty much what all of this boils down to. Luckily, we all know thats not usually how it goes. Replacing us, the LBS, wont solve the core issues leading to the unhappiness. Unfortunately, its not always so easy for the WAS to really understand that until theyve inflicted tons of damage everywhere.

Heres the thing to remember. Its not about you. You could have been a 97% approval rating husband and still be here, because that 3% is expanded and picked at and blamed.

Ultimately, it's on ourselves to be responsible for our own happiness. Instead of being sad, think about how much joy and warmth and love and passion that your music is inspiring in the people that listen to it.

[tkdmme]

Thanks Azzork,

That is what im trying to get through my thick skull. I have changed and bettered myself in all the areas she always complained about. In my mind if this was all my fault and on me 100%, then she would come back when I changed for the better. I have changed but it doesn't effect the way she feels. She still thinks that I am the reason for her unhappiness. I haven't bothered her in the least in over a month now and she still feels the same way.

Im getting myself back on track. I have doing well with all of this. Yesterday just brought me down.

[Azzork]

Thanks Azzork,

That is what im trying to get through my thick skull. I have changed and bettered myself in all the areas she always complained about. In my mind if this was all my fault and on me 100%, then she would come back when I changed for the better. I have changed but it doesn't effect the way she feels. She still thinks that I am the reason for her unhappiness. I haven't bothered her in the least in over a month now and she still feels the same way.

Im getting myself back on track. I have doing well with all of this. Yesterday just brought me down.

Ive posted this a couple of times, but this visual has really helped me to understand the situation tkd. Imagine a lake freezing upwards. You dont see any evidence of the freeze until that top layer freezes. But at that point, its not just a thin layer of slush on that top like you might imagine, the entire LAKE is frozen SOLID. So your changes so far have maybe melted the top little bit, but it will take a long time of consistent change to really have an possible impact. And theres some chance that you cant ever melt it.

And thats why its important to keep working on yourself. PMA, GAL, detach, 180s, etc. Keep DOING.

[dwh15]

Az, your last post is brilliant. When I read it, was like a light bulb went on in my head. We are dealing with people who are extremely unhappy in life and blaming us, and in some cases seeking that happiness through another person. They don't know how to make themselves happy. It's always up someone else. Thank you for putting that out there today. Really helped my mood.

TKD,I'm in the same boat as you brother. I've turned my life around in a positive way in almost every aspect. Better father, friend, brother, son, you name it. Best physical shape I've been in for 25 years. And I know my WW has noticed because she has commented several times. But it's never enough. She's convinced she cannot be happy with me. The current OM is the answer. Forget the previous OM that all fizzled within 2 years. This guy is different, he's the one. There's nothing we can do about it, until our wives wake up to reality. Sadly, that may come way too late or never at all. Just keep being the best you can be and let others appreciate it.

[tkdmme]

I am really trying hard to become a better person. At this point in my sitch I truly know that I will be fine without her or anyone else for that matter. This I know now and it had helped me. Like most of you, I would love for my marriage to be reconciled but if not I know I will be better in the end regardless.

I really worry about the kids though. Its like I have had this awakening and I am becoming a better father but if something don't change I will be forced into the part time dad arena. I am not comfortable with this yet. Having someone tell me when I can see my children really bothers me. Maybe it wont be that bad and she will facilitate a fair arrangement as far the kids go. This is yet to be seen.

I cant worry that far in advance of something. I will stay in the moment and change the things that are in my control.

[dwh15]

That's it man. You can't worry about things in the future that may or may not happen. As a precaution though, I would recommend you keep a daily activity log tracking how much time and the things both you and W are doing with the kids. Document that you are being a great father, just in case W turns nasty. Hopefully you never need it but smart to be prepared just in case.

[sandi2]

And I know my WW has noticed because she has commented several times. But it's never enough. She's convinced she cannot be happy with me. The current OM is the answer. Forget the previous OM that all fizzled within 2 years. This guy is different, he's the one. There's nothing we can do about it, until our wives wake up to reality.

Very true! That is just one reason why the H needs to do it for himself, and not to just win her back. However, let's be honest. No matter what a newcomer says about how he's not doing it for her.....we know it is only human nature to want it to have positive affect. In the beginning, I think it is the motivation behind getting him to make those changes.

Back to the quote above, I hope the LBH who has a WW will understand that at this point her thought process is too crazy. It is much easier for her to continue blaming him and using those old excuses for her unhappiness, rather than to stop her addictive A and wayward behavior in order to work hard & long with her H to restore their M.

Their time frames are out of sync. When she is finally "done", then he wakes up and is ready to do anything to keep her. He can't understand why she won't give him a chance to prove how different things could be again. In her mind, she gave him thousands upon thousands of chances and now she doesn't feel anything for the M.

Very sad that we human beings are that way. FWIW, when she agrees to end the A and stay in the M.......the hard stuff has just begun. You think this is hard? Just wait till you are piecing it back together again. You still have two individuals who think and feel differently from one another. Both of them will still have hurt and unresolved issues to iron out (plus learning how to "piece"). They both are fragile, in their own way. And honestly, they may continue to feel as though they are in separate time zones (or planets) for a while. That's why we continue to stress that it takes a long time, and great patient.

(hugs)

[tkdmme]

Alright fellow DBERS I'm headed out to blaze the 88s. (Btw that means I'm going to play the hell out the piano). I'm positive and ready thanks to all of you. Wish me luck. I could use a great night.

[mutatio]

Good Luck tkdmme, you may not see it but you have come a long way.