The story so far... -STBX involved in A since late December/early January 2015 -I begin versions of LRT in mid-February -STBX moves in with her parents first week of April -I expose A to OM's W in mid-April -STBX threatens to file for D immediately following exposure of A -Holding pattern for now -Pulling farther back from STBX -Established boundary regarding daily contact with children -STBX served me D papers on 06/19/15 -STBX putting in offers on new home
The name for this thread comes from a Carl Sandburg poem that I have found to be particularly inspiring as of late.
LOSERS ------- If I should pass the tomb of Jonah I would stop there and sit for a while; Because I was swallowed one time deep in the dark And came out alive after all.
If I pass the burial spot of Nero I shall say to the wind! "Well, well!"- I who have fiddled in a world on fire, I who have done so many stunts not worth doing.
I am looking for the grave of Sinbad too. I want to shake his ghost-hand and say, "Neither of us died very early, did we?"
And the last sleeping-place of Nebuchadnezzar- When I arrive there I shall tell the wind: "You ate grass; I have eaten crow- Who is better off now or next year?"
Jack Cade, John Brown, Jesse James, There too I could sit down and stop for awhile. I think I could tell their headstones: "God, let me remember all good losers."
I could ask people to throw ashes on their heads In the name of that sergeant at Belleau Woods, Walking into drumfires, calling his men, "Come on, you . . . Do you want to live forever?"
Sorry that I haven't been around for a while. Like others have mentioned, being active here can sometimes be a drag, so I've detached a bit from this site.
As far as my sitch is concerned, I have remained dedicated to my present course. I am doing very well and I am truly enjoying life and time with my children. Interactions with STBX are standard, primarily limited to discussions about the children. However, STBX continues to show that she is conflicted by telling me that she misses me and is sad that it turned out this way, etc.
This morning, STBX called a few times and we talked for about 30 minutes. The conversation was reminiscent of others where she laments the quick downfall of our MR. She mentions looking back at pictures, remembering how happy we seemed, and wonders if it was all real. I ask that if all of this was what she really wanted. I just listen. Eventually, I tell her that I am starting a new chapter in my life and say that we are nearing the point of no return in our relationship. She agrees.
So, that's it...
How's everybody doing?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Ugh. Sorry to hear no movement from your WW. I get the same conflicting signals from mine, like she has a lot of regrets. But she never mentions wanting to even try to work on our M, and I never bring it up. Like you, I'm in a holding pattern, but it's getting easier every day. For some reason, I expect that around the time I feel I'm fully over WW and ready to move on, that will be when she has a change of heart. And I'm worried that by then, I will be the one not wanting to save the M anymore. Just stay the course brother. We didn't choose this path, but we need to make the best of it for ourselves.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
It amazes me how someone could have so much regret for how the situation turned out, but not an ounce of wherewithal to do the work to fix the situation that they created. WW holds the key to coming back from the R brink, but all she can do is look back and say "tsk tsk...". I am so sorry, Def.
Keep working on you, as I know you are. I still think you are one savvy DBer.
It amazes me how someone could have so much regret for how the situation turned out, but not an ounce of wherewithal to do the work to fix the situation that they created. WW holds the key to coming back from the R brink, but all she can do is look back and say "tsk tsk...". I am so sorry, Def.
Keep working on you, as I know you are. I still think you are one savvy DBer.
RAI
Yes, I don't get it either. My WW admitted to me at one point she had spent 4 hours the night before crying. I asked her what in the world she was crying about? She had gotten everything she wanted. Best she could come up with was she felt bad about the kids. I don't think she even knows, but yeah, funny how a wayward is willing to inflict all this pain on their family, and themselves, yet stand by their decision to walk away. But like everyone says, you can't try and wrap logic around emotion, and it's pure emotion driving these train wrecks.
I feel bad for mine, because I know she's not rational yet making choices that impact the rest of her life, and everyone in it. There's no doubt she's going to have major regrets at some point down the road. Maybe not for leaving, but for the pain she inflicted on a man she spent 24 years with, on her own 4 kids, and on the dozens of related family and friends. She has to carry that with her the rest of her life. The LBS on this board are paying the price now, but we are going to get healthy again, and have happy lives. I don't see any happy endings for a WS, at least not in the long run. There may be pockets of artificial, temporary happiness but they are all illusions that fade quickly. Not sure what else we do though, other than save ourselves and our children as best we can.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Sorry that I haven't been around for a while. Like others have mentioned, being active here can sometimes be a drag, so I've detached a bit from this site.
Understandable, we all go through those phases where its just easier to focus on us while not reading/posting on here. Might be needed with how long we end up being in the strange limbo periods with nothing happening.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Hey gang, Thanks for checking in and offering your support. I am in a good place right now.
One quick update ... Our mediation is scheduled for 09/16. Any advice for what to expect and/or prepare for?
Thanks!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Still not any real movement in my sitch. Mediation is scheduled for the middle of September.
STBX dropped off something Saturday morning and she hung out for a bit. Before she left, she moved to sit next to me in the love seat. She put her head on my shoulder and I gently wrapped my arm around her head. I told her that I liked it when she pulled her hair back that way. I resisted the urge to do or say anything more. I was really starting to wonder if I could ever feel anything for STBX again. It felt good and I was able to forget about everything for a few minutes.
Had another wonderful weekend with the kids. I really look forward to planning fun things to do together with them.
It's my wedding anniversary this Sunday. I already have plans to go out with friends that night. I don't really think I will be impacted by the past significance of that day.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Quick question guys and gals. Next Wednesday is my mediation. Would it make any sense to throw a Hail Mary as it appears we are in the eleventh hour? I'm leaning towards no but I was just wondering if anyone had other thoughts.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I'm always of the "yes, do it" minority. What have you got to lose?? You sound nearly done with her yourself. SHE is running out of time.
But she still works with OM and I have no doubt the affair is continuing. She's still conflicted but paralyzed by the "what ifs".
If you do....remember my "she's gotta leave that job" demand I outlined for you months and months ago. It's gotta be your number one requirement right now.
The last ditch letter would include:
1 - You love her. 2 - You want to stay married. 3 - You are sorry for your part in bringng the marriage to the state it is. Also that you are learning how to make a relationship better and take into account the other persons feelings with all your actions. 4 - You have to cut off all contact because of the pain of her obviously continuing affair and her leading you on. 5 - You will agree to contact again when she gives up the affair and agrees to take the necessary steps for recovery. 6 - You love her
It's been long enough. If you divorce...she's not your friend. She never really will be and it's unhealthy for you (and a bad example to your child) to maintain a friendship with someone that has abused you to the extent she has. Your wife MAY be on the fence right now. Maybe the threat of finally pulling back and going dark on her will push her over the edge towards finally making a choice. Staying available to her obviously ins't working. Maybe a few weeks of actually being unavailable to her will make a difference (she doesn't know what she's going to be losing yet...because she hasn't yet been faced with actually losing it...waywards always think they are entitled to your never ending love, care and sacrifice).
As far as mediation - maybe you will get a great offer you'd be a fool not to take. Going dark for few days or a week ahead of it may push her to try to be nicer to get you back meeting her needs. However, usually mediation is worthless because the wayward wife feels entitled to demand and take everything without any compromise. When that happens you'll find the mediators pressuring you to take the deal...and compromise everything because working on you appears to be more fruitful towards reaching a settlement. Remember...their goal is to facilitate a settlement NOT fairness. You don't have to agree to anything. Usually I recommend avoiding face to face mediation. Let your attorney be the bad guy while you just state you'd rather save your marriage than negotiate at all.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I'm confused. After this mediation appointment, are you immediately divorced? I would think that there would be another few months, no? Why give that letter now?
