Still DB'ing - Still Learning from WAW (6)

[Fogg]

My days have been a bit cloudy lately, not sure why. Perhaps it's having my dog back and realizing how much I missed him over the past four months, and having that feeling stir up how much I miss my W and don't understand this process. I do understand it rationally, but don't in my heart.

I feel the exact same at times and its just what it is. This can be one of the hardest things we will every experience in life so it makes sense the feelings come back when triggered by something. I was thinking about my new job and the possibility of being in my companies Paris tech center for training. Then I got to thinking all the things I would want to go to see while there, mind wanders to the Eiffel tower. Then It hits me how many couples go there on romantic vacations and I would be there alone, thinking of W and begin crying.

It's Friday and already I'm steeling myself for the weekend. Against thoughts of what my W may be doing, who she's with, and if she's thinking of me. One three day weekend and I realize how much detaching there still is to do. I understand why people break down and just file for D's themselves or start a new relationship with someone else. The tiniest bit of hope that the DB process keeps can be challenging in itself. Detach, detach, detach.

Yep, its just too easy to be done with all of this after all of the suffering we go through. I think what keeps me away from that is understanding it only provides some relief. The pain will still come back in the future one way or another.

That being said, I'm grateful for the hope as it's still a driving force to stay strong, stay sober, keep learning, and not give in to the dark archetypal pattern of divorce that seems so ready and willing to scoop us all up. I still see it with friends, and read about it elsewhere and do not want to be a part of that.

Balance I think is the key in everything we do here, I see that more and more lately. Just enough hope to not throw in the towel so we continue to do the work but also not enough to where we don't accept the reality of the situation. Accept what is happening but with a tiny sliver of hope that it may turn around.

If there truly are lessons to be learned from pain, we're all learning them here. I know I am. If one of them is gratitude, that lesson is a big one.

Thats what keeps me going, the learning about myself and grown that this gives. In some ways we're lucky for this experience (F me for actually saying that, but it has its kernel of truth).

Have a strong Friday DB'ers.

PP

Enjoy your weekend PP, hope you have a good one

-Fogg

[PigPen]

[quote=Fogg]

Thats what keeps me going, the learning about myself and grown that this gives. In some ways we're lucky for this experience (F me for actually saying that, but it has its kernel of truth). [quote=Fogg]

I hear you on this one Fog, we are lucky to have the opportunity to better ourselves, I agree with that. We are also taking the worst of experiences and turning them into something positive. I'm not sure if I'd classify that as luck, but incredible abdominal fortitude and deep character.

I just spent a glorious 30 minutes deep in meditation and would love to espouse all of the insights that I got from it. I got none. Only one step closer to knowing myself a bit better in silence I guess. I went into it after having two nagging questions. I'll pontificate a bit here since my dog is sick of hearing me talk out loud.

Last night I went out to dinner with three other couples. Two of whom I was the officiant at their weddings. The third is unmarried but getting there. All three of these couples met through my business. One has their second child on the way. When I opened the business, my W was just a friend.

I spent the evening pondering how the Universe or God, or whoever and/or whatever is pulling the strings in life would have me dedicate 7 years of my life to building a business that has brought so many people together - couples, groups of friends, business partners, and now we even have a few newborns from the above - but then have the stress/hours/energy output of building that business be a big impetus in the demise of my own family. ("you only cared about work, work always came first, the business owned our lives")

Why after all that time and effort to build the community and so much positivity, would I realize that it's not the place for me? Why could I only see that leaving was the right move AFTER my M fell apart.

That was question 1.

Question 2 was more on the nature of DB'ing and hope, and maybe less of a question and more of a thought. I've been thinking about this a lot.

The little bit of Stockdale hope that I have from DB'ing, and the actions of DB'ing itself, are definitely keeping me from "moving on before I'm ready" so to speak. This is also coming from someone who seems to bring on the constant question of "So are you dating now? Why not, she's clearly moved on why aren't you?"

I think that after BD it may take me (hypothetically) two full years before I'm ready to move on with any kind of emotional honesty. Whether that's on to dating, or just getting through the day/night without having imaginary conversations/arguments/love affairs with my W.

Two years.

Without DB, I would most likely be trying to shortcut that process already with other women (they've been making themselves well known), overwork, or ignoring my real feelings. I say that here at the 9 month mark with 13 hypothetical months minimum to go.

I'm starting to think that DB'ing is going to get me to stay single, stay focused, and stay sane all the way to the two year mark. This board being a huge part of that process. Then at the two year mark, who knows what will happen. But I'll know I didn't skip any steps. My healing will be so much further and more complete than if I skipped huge sections of it by jumping in bed with people, and not having this board to read, follow, or write long posts on. Like this one i.e. sharing with people who are going through the same chitty situation. I still learn more from reading other people's writing than I do making my own.

Those are my thoughts since the gift of time is still keeping my W from calling me, running back to me with thoughts of reconciliation, D paperwork, and/or anything in between.

I hope everyone is having a peaceful Sunday.

PP

[asitis]

Remember she had a head start on you in the moving on department. I'd also say that it isn't clear that she has moved on. She may be dating (I can't remember if you know or not), but that's not the same as moving on.

When someone asks you why you haven't moved on, just shrug and say "I'm a slow learner." Leave it, and don't worry what they think. You'll know when it is time.

On the unfairness of bringing people together while your R falls apart, this is just life. They look all lovey and happy from the outside, but you have no idea the health of their Rs. Just let it go. Be happy for them, just as they will for you when you find happiness in another, be it the old flame or a new one.

All that said, I often look around at couples where the guy is clearly not a very good H, and wonder why my M is dissolving when I was better even at my worst. Got tiring after a while, otherwise, I'm sure I'd still be doing it.

[Fogg]

I basically have the same thought process about dating and DB'ing, for now anyway. The only issue with me is that I think I want to wait a year after we D. Since she still hasn't filed the paperwork that's been sitting on the dishwasher since......I don't even remember how long now....Its going to be 6 months(wait period with small children in house) after she files plus the year. So at at the moment that timer is 18 months and it hasn't even started ticking yet.

Obviously things will happen as they happen so no point in trying to work it out too much now, who knows how the future will play out and when we are ready or not. Hopefully when the moment comes we will just know.

[Vanilla]

PP

You never know what the higher spirit has in mind for you.

The meditation, mindfulness and work are all operating in the subconscious, affecting the epigenetics. It works it's magic and then there is shift. And it isn't small.

I note that some posters here develop and grow enormously in spirit. You are one of them, there will be more shift to come, I believe I know the signs.

V

[PigPen]

Remember she had a head start on you in the moving on department. I'd also say that it isn't clear that she has moved on. She may be dating (I can't remember if you know or not), but that's not the same as moving on.

When someone asks you why you haven't moved on, just shrug and say "I'm a slow learner." Leave it, and don't worry what they think. You'll know when it is time.

On the unfairness of bringing people together while your R falls apart, this is just life. They look all lovey and happy from the outside, but you have no idea the health of their Rs. Just let it go. Be happy for them, just as they will for you when you find happiness in another, be it the old flame or a new one.

All that said, I often look around at couples where the guy is clearly not a very good H, and wonder why my M is dissolving when I was better even at my worst. Got tiring after a while, otherwise, I'm sure I'd still be doing it.

Thanks As, that's good advice. I like the "I'm a slow learner" line. I understand where people are coming from, they want to see me happy again, but it's not their business. As I said in a prior post, even if I weren't DB'ing I wouldn't be within a country mile of being emotionally ready to be with someone else. I'm still very much in love with my WAW.

As for people acting poorly and staying married...I just got off the phone with my parents. Standard call - within 2 minutes they are bickering over complete minutia. My father said that they left for dinner at 7, my mom said they left at 7:15. It was completely inconsequential to the quality of the food, but it was worth arguing over until I asked them to stop. They're going on 45 years together!

My W and I didn't make it to year 4.

One day at a time with all of this. One day at a time.

[PigPen]

I basically have the same thought process about dating and DB'ing, for now anyway. The only issue with me is that I think I want to wait a year after we D. Since she still hasn't filed the paperwork that's been sitting on the dishwasher since......I don't even remember how long now....Its going to be 6 months(wait period with small children in house) after she files plus the year. So at at the moment that timer is 18 months and it hasn't even started ticking yet.

Obviously things will happen as they happen so no point in trying to work it out too much now, who knows how the future will play out and when we are ready or not. Hopefully when the moment comes we will just know.

Well Fogg, I look at it this way. If we DB all the way through to the finale, we're going to be much further along emotionally and relationship intelligence wise than the average bear. At that point, I'll be open to meeting people but won't be out searching them out.

Heck there's too much fun to be had just learning new things and expanding. Dating will happen when it does. If it does. I'm in no hurry.

(cup of coffee would be nice though!)

[PigPen]

PP

You never know what the higher spirit has in mind for you.

The meditation, mindfulness and work are all operating in the subconscious, affecting the epigenetics. It works it's magic and then there is shift. And it isn't small.

I note that some posters here develop and grow enormously in spirit. You are one of them, there will be more shift to come, I believe I know the signs.

V

Thank you Lady V, your words are always so comforting. I feel the shifts that have happened already and am able to see a much bigger picture unfolding, albeit painfully slowly. This is true.

I also agree that my work on the internal aspects are just beginning. This is both exhilarating and terrifying. I'm buckled in and ready for whatever the higher power has in store for me.

Big hug,

PP

[asitis]

Fighting isn't the problem. Failing to make up is the problem. My W & I should have fought more. It was a failure to fight well and speak our minds, not frequency.

And your parents are a different generation. My DB coach points out that when MWD wrote DB, DBing really didn't take as long (5-6 sessions, and boom). Now, not so much. Different societal standards on D & M. And, I'd say on the plus side, women being more empowered to not put up with so much. Therapy & R skills haven't kept up with that, unfortunately. Think of yourself as part of the avant garde.

Hang in there. Your sitch has been showing some progress. You seem to be approaching friend stage, which is necessary to further change.

[PigPen]

Thanks As, today is a new day. I knew this weekend would be a tough one even though I had it filled with GAL, all of the GAL'ing is with mutual friends. My situation is still often the elephant in the room, especially now that Woofie is back around.

I'm starting to be more comfortable talking about it and even joking about it on some level with friends.

Today I've got my rubber bands back on my wrist - "fear of the future bands". Anytime I think of my W or get nervous about next year I give them a snap and tell myself to have faith!

Happy Labor Day DB'ers.

PP