I do feel calmer - and I think that is something to work on. I know I tend to get emotional and can let his behaviour trigger an avalanche of feelings in me. I have a tendency to catostrophise (is that a word? make everything into a catastrophe) when with time and patience and some self control things would probably die down and not feel like the disaster I perceive them to be at the time.
We had a nice friendly day yesterday. I was in and out doing errands and getting new school shoes and supplies for the kids. Our son had a play date. I didn't hide in my home office in the evening, but sat with him in the sitting room reading my book. He was learning some new stuff on his guitar and I complemented him on how far he'd come with it (he really has - I never thought of him as musical but it's something new he's discovered he's really good at).
This morning was less good. I came down and he gave me a list of 'rules' for how things should be in the kitchen - where things should go, the right way to do a couple of things. This was out of the blue and not really connected to anything I had done or not done (I hadn't left anything out, hadn't rearranged the cupboards or anything) and I felt like a child being given a list of instructions. I got really annoyed.
I suppose a 180 here would be to apologise for my tone and to let it drop. Usually I'd want to talk to him about how I felt demeaned and controlled and how he shouldn't be treating me like a naughty child. I can let it go. I think.
Still waiting for the book to arrive, and still thinking about personal goals for this month.
Sounds like you had a great day SJ including adding a new word to the dictionary. :-) Your son doing so well at something you didn't see him as having aptitude for shows he's found something he feels passionate about and so is willing to practise. He probably got that trait from you, so you've got two things to feel proud about.
The kitchen organisation thing does sound odd and it probably caught you unawares so getting annoyed is understandable.
Don't apologise, just letting it go is probably enough of a 180. If you do apologise, it might set him off on something else so the moment has passed.
Maybe next time you find yourself getting annoyed, recognise it early on, then apologise it'll probably shock him as it will seem like a big change and the argument will end quickly.
You are starting to change already as you are thinking about alternate strategies for future use rather than focussing on the hurt of a conversation or comment. Keep it up, you are doing great.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Have you considered using a debit card? If he had a card, he would have access to the bank account and not have to ask you for money.
You will be greatly challenged this month, b/c both of you are displaying WAS signs. However, you are the one who came seeking help. Your emotional needs are running on empty, and you cannot understand why your H won't open his mouth and just talk. I bet that's how you see the solution for two adults who have a problem in the MR. (I'm right there with you).
You will have times that this feels very unfair, and you might even get tired of everyone telling you what you should, or shouldn't do, while H doesn't have to deal with it and can just hide in his darn cave. (Why don't women have caves? Answer: The world's population would probably die out).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
...Why don't women have caves? Answer: The world's population would probably die out...
Women do have caves, they a simply light and airy, full of other women talking and there are lots of cushions. :-)
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
You've gone a bit quiet SpinningJenny, how are you?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
I am doing very well thank you, reading and posting on this BB, combined with regular re-reading of the DR book and practising non-spiritual Mindful Meditation means I continue to have wobbles but they are nowhere near as severe or frightening as they once were. Everyday my inner peace becomes greater and life becomes even better, which is something I never thought I'd be able to say when I first found the DR book.
As one of the goddesses on her, Vanilla recently showed me, if you are keen to see how someone else is getting on, click on their name (colored red) to the side of any of their posts and select "view posts" from the resulting menu. Then click "Topics Created" colored red towards the right hand side of the screen above the list of posts.
Keep posting SpinningJenny, it's one of the keys. Even if it's almost like a journal entry the impact it'll have over time is huge.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Glad to hear you're meditating Beagley. One of the side effects of my situation was a renewed meditation practice. It couldn't have come at a better time. Nor could it be more powerful. If we can use it now when we're going through hell, imagine the power of an active practice when things are "normal"!
Keep up the great work.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Sorry I stepped away - work got a bit busy and I wanted to concentrate on GAL, the kids, and making the most of what is left of the summer. Not much, in my part of the world.
I have DR and I am reading it and keeping it to myself. I've been observing DH a little less emotionally and I think he really does feel a lack of respect from me. I have stepped up on noticing and thanking him for his work in the house as well as making sure the kids pay attention to him - and letting him hear me when I am telling them this. I'm also just ignoring a lot of his criticisms - I don't know if he's tired, or worried, or wanting to pick a fight, or something else. I guess when he wants to communicate he will, and in the meantime I'm not wasting him on wondering why he feels like it's okay to have a meltdown over how and when I put out the recycling.
It's very cold between us. I think me being polite, generally complimentary and otherwise asking him for nothing suits him just fine. Obviously it hasn't been a long time, but I'm not really seeing any changes in his behaviour. I guess I'm feeling calmer because I've just concentrated on GAL and self-care and I'm putting as much effort into our relationship as he is. I can't say we're much more than housemates at the moment.
There is a debit card on my account - and we could get another one for him but that would involve him coming to the bank and giving them his details and signature, and he won't. Which means I either have to give him my debit card to use full time, or regularly transfer money into his account at his request, both of which he says make him feel demeaned, but I can't do anything about it unless he comes to the bank with me. He won't give a reason for not coming to the bank with me. I could argue about it with him, but there's no point. I do a budget, transfer as much money as possible over to him whenever I get paid. When he runs out, he asks me for more. He's not really irresponsible with money, but because he doesn't do the budget with me, I guess he feels like he's getting 'pocket money' and I'm keeping the rest (which isn't true).
I've been reading some of your situations and feeling so sad for you. I know my situation is very mild by comparison - he doesn't gamble, he isn't cheating on me, he isn't abusive and though he's generally withdrawn and irritable with me, he is a committed and reliable father who adores our children and lets them know it. I guess there's just nothing much between us anymore.
