I suspect that H is engaged to OW

[Painter]

This sounds crazy. H and I have been reconciling since February. We have been in MC with a DB-counselor. H has not been willing to write the cease and desist-note to OW, but otherwise things have become a lot better.

Recently, he started acting out when I tried to schedule MC. I told him he could schedule, I didn't need his anger over something like that. He said he doesn't want to go anymore, and that he didn't think it helped. It undeniably has helped, we're in a very different place than we were.

I have not been completely trusting of H and have asked him a few times if he was still in touch with OW (lives far away). He says absolutely not (just like he said all the time while the A was active).

OW was completely absent on FB after the A came to light, until earlier this summer, when she started on a physical self-improvement journey, retired (I think) and started a small home-based business. When I had bouts of suspicion, I checked her page just to see if H brought up things she posted about at the same time (news events and stories), or if there were other indicators.

I just saw a reply to someone where she mentioned 'her fiance' and talked about his pets. The number of pets fits with what H considers his pets that would stay if I left. Not many single men that age fits that description - and 8 months after H supposedly broke it off?
There's no mention or sign of a man in any other of her posts, to where she hired someone to mow her grass because her mower was broken. She only does activities by herself. It would indicate a long-distance F.

H gave me a ring before he was D from his ex. I didn't like it and didn't wear it until later. I could see him do it again. H has commented on how similar the two situations were, but he insists that he did not cheat on the Ex with me. I am not sure what to think, but I know that his Ex cheated on him before I met H with a man who left his wife for her and thought they were going to be together when H and Ex split, so if anything, they were both cheating on each other.

Now what to do.

[mvgfwd2]

I think if you ask H you won't get a straight answer. Cheaters lie. You need something more concrete to make a final conclusion if it is H or not. Just keep an eye open for other strange behavior from H. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Did H send any kind of message to OW to end all contact? That is worrisome that he won't send the letter.

One strategy I took when I had trouble getting to the truth was to contact the OM directly. I played good and bad to get him to cough up something. At one point I got him so angry at me that he gave up a lot of details trying to inflict some revenge. He sent pictures of them together at parks and other details of the conversations. Things my W lied about even after I showed her the pictures. I think some OM/OWs are just begging for a chance to tell the LBS what is up to get them out of the way. But this is a risky move too and I don't think is something most here would advise. But I'm not a passive person, I am the type to take action.

I also used my W phone to send messages to her friend who knew what was going on. She gave up a few gems too when she thought I was my W. (my W gave me full access to her phone she just didn't think her friend would be that stupid, ha ha). No more contact with this friend. BTW she is a serial cheater, cheaters love company of other cheaters. Does H have any friends that are cheaters? Beware.

Maybe send a cease and desist letter anyway. No need to sign it. See what happens? Stirring the pot has a way of getting things moving. Your H's hesitation says a lot.

Of course a lot of things I did are not DB type actions since I didn't know this site then. But they got a lot of things answered. I couldn't stand knowing I was being lied to and not being able to get to the truth. Agree or not with the methods, I got the job done.

Remember to GAL!!

[Painter]

Mvgfwd, thank you for your ideas - I'm not one to stay passive, either... I have texted OW a couple of times (long time ago) and never got a reply. She never told H that I texted her, either.

I brought it up with H and presented it as a fact from OW's FB page. He denied it, then eventually said that OW had been dating someone on and off for a long time before the A, and perhaps it was him. He also displayed some signs of jealousy and regret that more than anything else seemed convincing, although quite painful to listen to and watch. He said he wish he hadn't been told.

We talked about keeping the back door open and not fully committing to R (not writing the letter and all that), and I'm thinking maybe this will enable him to commit more to our process now when there's no way back. Who knows...

[V2pt0]

Painter, hmmm, not sure what I would do, but i know it would drive me crazy until I knew for sure. This is the part of piecing/reconciling that would be hard. Getting past the broken trust created by infidelity. Granted, your H has his own trust issues to get past.

It seems if you are truly going to piece, your H needs to be ok with no contract and complete transparency. I see what you are doing, but you H should be doing whatever it takes to R. Seems like in man ways he only has to be 1/2 in.

[Painter]

I agree - he isn't 100% in. I think he doesn't have the feelings he believes are needed, and he doesn't think they can come back.

I have tried to just take a step back and not discuss R and keep some distance. We're friendly and he calls me pet names, but he said he feels pressured by me and by the MC.

What were you thinking about when you said H has his own trust issues?

[V2pt0]

What were you thinking about when you said H has his own trust issues?

Well, I think the WAS trusted that they would have a partner in life that provided certain needs in the M. Whatever negative things or issues we contributed to the M in away broke trust from their perspective. I think this is why changes post BD are questioned. They don't trust that the LBS will truly change for good or for the right reasons.

[Painter]

Ah, yes, I see what you mean. You're exactly right.

I'll be back in the Piecing Forum... have some thoughts that don't belong here.