I don't think we can stop having feelings for our Ws. im not even sure that its the right thing to do. Detaching however is a must. Stopping the pursuit is a must. and GAL is a must.
This is very hard stuff. I love my wife deeply and want more than anything to have her come out of this funk she is in but I also am learning to love myself again. On my way home from work everyday I start thinking of things that I may be able to say to make her change her mind but before I reach the house I convince myself that these things will not work. Its not hard to convince myself of this because I have already tried it with bad results.
Also, Choose option one. I have made my mind up that I will not leave our home and I will not aid in a D in anyway. I am not going to make it easier for her to get a D. I have to respect her wishes in the end but its not the end in my mind.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Thank you I have joined some meet up groups and have been to a few it does not feel at all natural I guess it will get easier
I joined a dating site not to date but to try to meet people .....there is an option to say just looking for friends I do not want to get into another R I am a long way from being ready for that.
In 25 years I have not really been out socialising so I though meeting people just to have a drink or to have a chat with please do not think I joined the dating site just to hook up this is NOT the case
The initial shock may have worn off ...no not really but I am still riding the rolla coaster of emotions
I need to meet up with more of my friends play some pool go bowling
I
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Ghost, All I can say is wow. If I didn't know better I would say you just wrote my story. I like you had a chance almost 3 years ago and in my case did nothing. She came back to me so quickly that it was great and I didn't look to see what I wasn't fulfilling for her. Now we are friends in the same house, room, bed but like you everyday I look forward to coming home but the loving W is not there. An affair, not likely and I do not even want to entertain that thought either. So for now I have started running, went back to school (to get a better job closer to home) and have been spending as much time with my youngest (7) as I can because I was always out doing other things while the other 3 were growing up and missed it. Keep it up and someday we will have a good life again.
Hi Ghost, It appears to me that you are making subtle progress. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and move forward. Just go through the motions and one day the pain will begin to subside. Wishing you peace my friend.
I am trying to distance myself from my W but this is not easy when I see her every day
I have been out with a couple of friends and have attended a could of meet up groups.
I sence that my W is distancing herself more and more from me by asking me less she does not expect or ask for my help or support
She rarley txts me or msg me and rarley calls me she is going out more and more with her friends.
So yes I am a couple of months into this and the initial shock perhaps is starting to wear off however what II am struggling with is detaching and loosing my feelings towards my W
I know her feelings have change towards me but I am struggling to loose my feelings towards her
Take this morning she came upstairs to use the shower our D was sat in bed with me so W sits on our bed dressed in nickers and bra looking seriously hot
So how do I detach from this
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Not sure about if this is advised, but if she was any other housemate that would not be accepted. Ask her not to. It will be easier on you and show her you are moving on. Just a thought.
Afterwards there is the debate as to if she is cake eating or is she just still comfortable around you.
Detaching is hard.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I am trying to distance myself from my W but this is not easy when I see her every day
I have been out with a couple of friends and have attended a could of meet up groups. I would strongly recommend finding something consistent you can do with friends or meetups or something that you can go to once a week or every other week. That way you can start to get into a routine, but also, spend time building relationships with people instead of needing to wade into the deep end every time you want to go out.
I sence that my W is distancing herself more and more from me by asking me less she does not expect or ask for my help or support
She rarley txts me or msg me and rarley calls me she is going out more and more with her friends.
So yes I am a couple of months into this and the initial shock perhaps is starting to wear off however what II am struggling with is detaching and loosing my feelings towards my W
I know her feelings have change towards me but I am struggling to loose my feelings towards her
Take this morning she came upstairs to use the shower our D was sat in bed with me so W sits on our bed dressed in nickers and bra looking seriously hot
So how do I detach from this
Theres no light switch to become detached. Its not something you just say you are, and it happens. You become detached by doing other things. By showing yourself that you are a guy worth being with. By proving to yourself that she is a fool for leaving you. But right now, EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF YOUR FOCUS IS DIRECTED AT HER.
She feels this She doesnt feel that Shes doing this She doesnt do that and so on and so on
I asked you what you are doing, and all you could tell me is that in the 2 months since joining, you "have been out with a couple of friends and have attended a couple of meet up groups."
You are having trouble detaching, because you arent actually doing the WORK to detach. You arent going to wake up one day and discover that you are detached. Its a process. That you need to take ownership of.
You get your own life You focus on you You focus on your KIDS (as 25years elegantly wrote in her post alst night to you) You make new friends You get some new clothes You improve your self
Once all of those things start happening, you will begin to detach. But really not until then.
So, get past your fear. Get past your pain. They are going to be there anyway. Push them aside and get to work.
Ghost, detaching is really really hard. For me, it comes in steps, and is still a work in progress. I find it easier to read other people's threads sometimes, I find similarities to my sitch and then I get angry on someone else's behalf and think, for example, "Why is Ghost beating himself up over that?' Or "why is he letting W ruin his whole weekend" and then a lightbulb goes on and I realize that is what I am doing. Sometimes it is easier to "get it" when its not you.
I also find it is easier to detach when I think of H as "hurting"- it helps me depersonalize his spew and reactions. Its not about me, its about him. Whatever it is you need to tell yourself, do it. You won't suddenly be detached, but it will come in bits and pieces, like pulling a band aid off, when you keep working at it and loosen it a little at a time. It might take a while, but eventually it gets looser and comes off.
Another thing I do is picture myself relating the current scenario to my IC or in MC. What do I want to report back to them? My feelings about H's feelings? The continued "he said this so I said that"? That isn't going to get anybody anywhere. I want to be able to stand back and say "H is still angry, he is still not dealing with his issues well, I am giving him the space he needs to work on that, and focusing on getting the kids off to a new school year and working out." I want to give helpful "reports", not "get into it" with the crazy making details. I don't want to get sucked into the crazy.
Also, I had a few really "wow" moments with H when his behavior and words were so over the top, that it really stopped me in my tracks and helped with detachment because there was just no way I was going to go there with him. At some point you have to set a boundary and say "no way am I being dragged there emotionally."
So those are the things that have helped me detach. And I am not there yet. But getting there. Each time I take a little step closer to detachment I honestly feel so much better. Really, it makes the emotions less intense and makes me feel so much more confident and hopeful.
Also, Ghost, this is the hardest thing in the world, and it [censored] and is painful beyond words and is a living hell, so don't feel bad that it isn't coming easy to you. Do NOT beat yourself up over this. Just keep working at it and taking small steps towards it, and do it for your own sanity, not for your W. I promise you will feel better. And it will be very good role modeling for your kids.
