I agree that a court order will add some clarity to a very confusing and scary process. If you see my last post you'll know I understand what a nightmare this process can be.
I also agree it's a concern to have a man you don't know aroudn your young ones. What has your L said about that? Are there any resources you can get to help lead conversations with your children about ways to keep their eyes open and be close to you? This is a tricky spot and something I am glad I don't have to deal with. WW has had a number of guys, but as destructive as she is she wouldn't let anything happen to the kids. Praying for you.
Keep posting.
PS- You know what's in FL don't you?!?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Very bad day today..he called the girls and got on the phone with me..here's the conversation the best I can remember it
H-are you going to meet us?
Me-nope..either you take her car here by yourself or if ya'll both come she stays parked on the road and you come to the door and get them..she is not allowed on this property
H-oh you're going to be like that
M-I too you I don't want to be around her..nobody would want to be
H-oh ok you're going to be like that
M-you know damn good and well if I left you and the kids for another man you wouldn't want to be around him
H-if he treated the girls good I'd have to respect him..you're going to have to respect her because she respects you
M-I can't believe I'm having this conversation..its cruel and heartless that you soul want me to be around her
H-it's not about you..i want to get my girls and I can't drive my truck I'm in her car..you need to cooperate BC you're a parent too and you should at least meet us halfway
M-look I will cooperate with you but I don't have to be around her..amd i never said you couldn't get the kids..and I don't have to meet you my van is breaking down and it's your responsibility to come get them and nobody else wants to be around y'all either BC you know how we feel about what you did
H-*screaming* oh nobody else wants to be around us?! I don't care!
M-look call me tomorrow and I'll let you know what I decide..bye
H-bye
That's all I remember..and I talked to the lawyer and we have to be separated for a year before we can get divorced BC we have kids..so until next August BC it's a year from the date he got served..then to top it off I was on the phone with his mom and she thought I hung up but she didn't hang her end up and I heard her and his dad talking bad about me..
the same people who I have been talking to for months about everything and spending the night at their house a lot and thought they were on my side..seems they don't approve of what he's doing but have been talking about me behind my back all this time..
that's good to know BC they own this house and my van and help me all the time and are the only ppl I had out here besides him..my parents live 4 plus hours away and are divorced and I don't like it where they live so I can't exactly move anywhere..and my kids have been acting bad and out of control..I broke down in tears earlier BC this is too much for me to handle..
his mom told me he called them a while after he talked to me and was as nice as can be and he told her he only wants to see his girls and she *OW* is a very nice person..i see what him and her are doing..they want everyone to hate me and like him and her..they're trying to bribe the kids telling them they're going to do all kinds of fun stuff with them and buy them stuff..i just can't take anymore I've already had enough a long time ago..
if things get worse idk what to do..he's a very hateful..cold hearted person now and I don't even have words for her..i don't have any interest in ever reconciling and neither does he..honestly I wish they would divorce us sooner BC I'm ready to not be tied to him anymore and I'm pretty sure him and her are planning on getting married..all I can do is pray but it seems things are getting worse for me
Me-30 H/STBX-32 Daughters-10,7,18 months M-9 years T-11 years A few BD's since 2011 H left-March 16,2015 H came back-June 6,2015 Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
Oh and zues-what's in FL? I probably won't be going with them if that's how they really feel about me...
Me-30 H/STBX-32 Daughters-10,7,18 months M-9 years T-11 years A few BD's since 2011 H left-March 16,2015 H came back-June 6,2015 Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
Look. You're going to lose a lot. Your WAH. Your in-laws. Your ability to have children full time, and to co-parent with someone that you have a loving relationship with. It's a huge loss, probably more than you can even imagine (although it gets easier to deal with!).
When you lose this much, it's a good idea to gain something from it. Who are you going to be when you get free?
Take a look at your exchange with H. Focus just on what you did and said. Which qualities don't have a place in your life in the future?
One thing I told my team when I was a manager: There's right and wrong, but there's a right way and a wrong way to handle what's right and wrong.
For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic and you shoot them, you're reaction was worse then their behavior.
Clearly your H isn't doing much that's righteous right now...but focusing on your reaction, how do you feel you could've improved your response?
DBing is all about changing dynamics by changing yourself. "It takes ONE to tange". Change yourself and your relationships with other HAVE to change. You can do it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I could have been nicer but it's either I better do what he says or he gets nasty..they bully me then expect me to do what they want when and how they want it or I'm the bad person..i feel like I shouldn't have to be around her and I sure don't respect either one of them and I'm appalled that he demanded I respect her..i sure hope I never have to go through this again.and I live in a southern state that has alligators and a whole lot of other critters so I'm used to that lol
Me-30 H/STBX-32 Daughters-10,7,18 months M-9 years T-11 years A few BD's since 2011 H left-March 16,2015 H came back-June 6,2015 Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
I could have been nicerbut it's either I better do what he says or he gets nasty..they bully me then expect me to do what they want when and how they want it or I'm the bad person..i feel like I shouldn't have to be around her and I sure don't respect either one of them and I'm appalled that he demanded I respect her..i sure hope I never have to go through this again.and I live in a southern state that has alligators and a whole lot of other critters so I'm used to that lol
The green was you owning you. The 'but' was you deflecting from your behavior. The red was you spewing at WAH.
Does it help to see it when it's in color?
Maybe it would help to look at it as a thought experiment. Suppose this happened to someone else, a friend of yours, who happened to be supremely confident, gracious, cool, calm, and collected. How might she have responded to some of these comments from WAH?
Barbie, I am pushing you on this because WAH isn't your problem. You're right, you won't have to live with him again, he'll be stuck with who he is for the rest of his life. But you'll be stuck with who you are for the rest of your life too, and the consequences it brings. Challenge yourself to some hard work.
The good news is not only will positive change make your life better, it will ease the suffering because you'll have something to show for it, and the loss that occurred will feel more and more like it happened to someone else thanks to growth.
PS- JEALOUS of gators.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
What would you have recommended I had said instead? I'm so full of so many emotions towards all of this it's hard not to say these things..my boundary was that he not bring her here or around me and he couldn't even do that :\
Me-30 H/STBX-32 Daughters-10,7,18 months M-9 years T-11 years A few BD's since 2011 H left-March 16,2015 H came back-June 6,2015 Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
First of all there is a reality that you may not be able to require OW never lays eyes on you, and that starting a losing war about this may not be worth what it does to the kids. But for now let's assume you truly need to.
Quote:
H-are you going to meet us?
Me-nope..either you take her car here by yourself or if ya'll both come she stays parked on the road and you come to the door and get them..she is not allowed on this property
Why not "If you want to swing over you can pick them up. I'd prefer OW wasn't there at handoffs, but if she's coming along I ask that she at least hang in her car until after I say goodbye to the kids. Anyway, glad you're coming over, they're excited to see you, what time will you be here?"
Quote:
H-oh you're going to be like that
M-I too you I don't want to be around her..nobody would want to be
First you shouldn't have been 'like that', but now that we're here, how about "You're right, that didn't come out very sweetly. I'm sorry I'm not conducting myself more gracefully, I am still having a hard time with some of this. That will change, until then I appreciate you accommodating this request, thank you."
Quote:
H-oh ok you're going to be like that
M-you know damn good and well if I left you and the kids for another man you wouldn't want to be around him
See above response.
Quote:
H-if he treated the girls good I'd have to respect him..you're going to have to respect her because she respects you
M-I can't believe I'm having this conversation..its cruel and heartless that you soul want me to be around her
This just isn't going anywhere. He gets to pick who he wants to spend time with. He clearly doesn't care, and yelling at him won't change his feelings. It will just make you look like the crazy one. Instead, if you got here in, what about "You're right, I don't get to control who you want to be with or who you decide to invite into the children's lives, and some of that is difficult to accept." I don't think you're ready to 'truth dart' without going off the handle, but I might add "And while I may not be able to respect a woman that is willing to participate in the destruction of a family, for the love of the children I agree it's not ideal to expose them to animosity."
Quote:
H-it's not about you..i want to get my girls and I can't drive my truck I'm in her car..you need to cooperate BC you're a parent too and you should at least meet us halfway
M-look I will cooperate with you but I don't have to be around her..amd i never said you couldn't get the kids..and I don't have to meet you my van is breaking down and it's your responsibility to come get them and nobody else wants to be around y'all either BC you know how we feel about what you did
All of this judgment is getting nowhere. You are making yourself ugly. Just tell him "I agree we need to work together to make these transitions smooth. I'm unable to meet halfway today because I have some vehicle troubles. Tell you what, if you can pick them up this time, before next visit we can put together an agreeable schedule so you not only know when you'll be with your children, we'll know how the handoffs will go as well. Is that fair?"
Quote:
H-*screaming* oh nobody else wants to be around us?! I don't care!
M-look call me tomorrow and I'll let you know what I decide..bye
Talking in terms of mutual agreements is collaborative. This last sentence is very controlling and unilateral. Worse, it is in the context of controlling the way in which he can see his children, which is dangerously close to using the kids to control or punish him.
All of this is very judgmental, angry, and controlling.
I get it. You're angry. And you're not satisfied with his choices. Being angry at things you can't control is natural, but it won't help you now.
Look, I'm not asking you to change everything overnight. If you take away one thing from this it's that attachment=pain=anger=loss of control=more rejection.
Nip this at the root and learn to let him go a little here, let go of being the righteous suffering martyr, and DON'T vilify him.
Read my last post on BT's thread. She's a great example of someone who's really come a long ways with dealing with her anger. Similar situation, her WAH even brought his affair partner into her bed while she was out- AFTER she asked him point blank to NOT do that!
It's a long journey, I'm not expecting you to get there tonight. But keep posting regularly, and start moving that direction. And don't get eaten by an alligator. Those things don't mess around.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
To echo what Zues said, theres a big difference between setting a boundary around yourself and being controlling.
For example, saying something like "I dont want to be around OW" is different from "You cant bring OW here".
See how the first is focused on you and your needs, while the second one is controlling and about what he can and cant do?
The more that you try to control his actions, the more resistant he will be. Focus on you and what you will or will not tolerate, not on what he needs to do to accommodate that.
Update-in front of the girls she said I'm stupid for her having to park on the side of the road and he laughed-they got their own rent house that he paid for..he would tell the girls he couldn't get them on his weekends BC his check was low but now he's telling them he couldn't get them BC he had to save up for their house-they're already talking about getting married and already picking out wedding rings-she wants to quit her job and have him pay for everything while she stays home or finds another job..he told the girls when we go to court he's going to tell the judge he wants them every other weekend and all summer long from now on..he probably still thinks me and him only have to be separated 6 months and then we'll be divorced..he doesn't know yet it's a year..I'm sure there's more but that's all I can remember right now
Me-30 H/STBX-32 Daughters-10,7,18 months M-9 years T-11 years A few BD's since 2011 H left-March 16,2015 H came back-June 6,2015 Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
