Update after a long time

[Drew]

First thing - keep posting.

Also, most counselors advise not to be specific with the kids until there is an actual physical separation. A general statement that Mom and Dad are trying to figure things out, it's not their fault, and they are loved is good.

Treat the divorce as a business transaction and leave it to the lawyers.

More later ....

[shodan]

I started looking at condos/apartments last week. I told my W that I would move out. She wants the house and has said that she will go with a lawyer to get it. I know the court will award the house to her, so to keep things amicable for the kids, I agreed to move out but we will work with a mediator for the rest of it.

I texted her a few times with things that I was seeing and she commented that our situation su$ks. At night, we would talk and she would ask if this is really what I wanted. She is having second thoughts and wonders if this is just what people go through. She then commented that she thinks she needs some time to herself, effectively a separation. She said that she wants to miss me. She needs those feelings to really put the effort in.

I told her that since she wants the separation, then she should move out for a few months. I am continuing to look at places for me, but the options are poor. Either very expensive temporary housing or I need to rent a place and furnish it. I want to be near the kids so I can share 50/50 in the custody but my town has few options for condos/apartments.

In parallel, I am continuing to focus on me. I have made great strides and while I would prefer that my M work out, I also am 100% fine if it did not.

Advice/feedback?

[Drew]

Yes, absolutely DO NOT move out without a temporary parenting agreement in place in writing.

[shodan]

Drew, I do agree with that. We have something in writing that we are working through.

[blndsid]

Sho,

Sorry to hear it turned out like this for you and your family. I’ve been following your threads since September and can say I went back and read every single post to your threads due to the similarity in our sitches.

A definite “thank you” goes out to Starsky and all the others who offered good advice throughout your ordeal. I know Starsky helped me realize I had to decide what was and was not acceptable in my marriage. I used his advice to clearly set my boundaries and I would live with the consequences of standing for something. I knew it was something that had to be done, but it is hard knowing it could lead to D and alternating homes for the kids.

I said all that to say the XW and I signed the final decree just this month. We did mediation and had the agreement in place by the end of February. She cheated, repeatedly, and I got to move out of the house. Go figure. I too thought it was best for the kids and their stability that she stayed in the house. None of this was easy, but I hope I can help since I’ve recently survived a similar ordeal. If you have questions, ask away.

I will say the whole concept $ucks but it does get better. I moved out in March and started the schedule with the kids. It’s not easy on the kids, and they have ups and downs, but they’re doing fine. But, as soon as I was out of the house and away from her, I could see things clearly. I got my appetite back and could actual sleep through the night without chemical assistance. Keep exercising and focus on your health and the kids. The boys and I go for a walk almost every evening I have them.

To keep this short for now (too late) I’ll end with this. I too was expecting an amicable D. But don’t expect that to happen with sunshine and lollipops. I had to fight like hell for my lopsided agreement. It was a grind the whole time. I was in the same frame of mind I think you are in, you really don’t care about the stuff, and you’d give it all away to have an intact family. But Sho, that’s not the hand you and your kids were dealt. Don’t expect amicable from someone so selfish that she repeatedly crapped on your marriage and family to have her affairs. All the lying and cheating doesn’t just stop. My XW just got angry at me for wanting a fair shake. I experienced the same alien takeover of the person I thought would never betray me and my family.

Your marriage just turned into a business transaction, a horrible business transaction. Sorry bud. I’ll keep you and your kids in my T&P.

[Painter]

Guys, guys... Why are you moving out of the family home when it's your wives who want to split? Have you checked with an attorney that it is certain the cheating S will get the home? Why not stay in the home and file for full custody, if the WAW is showing little interest in the children for a full year?

H kept saying that his ex was a good mother (at least she's *that*). She was not, she was/is mentally ill and has damaged their children severely through her abuse. I think he felt it would just be too harsh to say she was a lousy mother and should not have custody. His children have paid a high price for this.

[blndsid]

Painter,
Just to clarify, I didn't just give up the house, and I would not suggest that should happen in these situations. With mine we shared a bed up to the day I served her the papers. She asked me to leave the house during the D. I told her she should be the one who leaves since she abandoned the marriage. She would only leave if the kids went with her. I disagreed. At that point she set up a bed in the extra room. There she stayed (the nights she was home) until I moved out.

I did the DB thing even after I filed for D. I decided to give her a chance to come around up until the moment we walked into mediation. I even told her that was my plan regarding our marriage, that filing for D was not me giving up. Step into mediation, then it became all business. Remember that whole amicable thing? She acted like she didn't really want the house up until that day. I had a few pre-planned scenarios and in most she kept the house. I wanted the kids half time, that was my concern, so I used the house to get it. Being a male in Texas, 50/50 is the best I really hoped to get. The XW is crazy, I don't know who she is anymore, but she still seems to care for the kids, so good for them. I hope she levels out, maybe she has.

So she has the house. Good for her. I just want off the note so I can get me a fixer upper and put my energy into literally rebuilding a home. That will be therapeutic for a guy like me. Life rolls on. I think Sho is right, God has a plan. Problem is, people have free will.

[Onguard]

Shodan, I have not logged on in months and I just saw your update. I am sorry. I feel somewhat of a bond with you since we were going through our situations at the same time. I know how horrible it feels to watch your wife become an "alien" that you don't recognize. For what it's worth, what finally snapped my wife out of it was my depression lifting and her seeing me moving on as well as being pursued by other women. I genuinely decided to move on, gave her zero attention and was starting to live a fun life without her. That is when her "feelings" came back. I let her twist for weeks without responding and she eventually agreed to everything and anything for me to give her another chance. We have been piecing since April but I am finding it hard to fully give her my heart and trust. I have found that there are no easy roads out of this mess.

I wish you strength, peace and happiness. Youre a good man Sho, you will find it.

[WhyUs]

Onguard,
Thank you coming and giving an update. It always help to hear DB working. I am happy you made it this far. Hopefully you can get through the peicing now.

I would like to read your story. Can u provide a link.

[shodan]

Thank you to everyone for their kind words. The past few weeks has been pretty crazy.

First, my wife started seeing a therapist and told me that she does not want a divorce. She said she hit rock bottom and realizes that she has been awful these past several months. Seeing me look into apartments made her realize the gravity of the situation. She told me that she knows that she needs to work hard to earn back my trust.

Second, my wife gave me the code to her phone. This is not full transparency clearly. When she gave it to me, I said thank you, kissed her on the cheek and walked away. I need to think about my next steps on this piece.

So, she says she wants to work on the M. I am staying the course, focusing on me. If this does work out, I know it will be because I truly dropped the rope and focused on me. For several months, I paid this lip service but did not man up and actually do it. Now, I have the confidence and strength to lead but I did not when this first happened.