Really glad to get the update & that you are doing so well. There comes a moment when you really see that while you still have the tiniest bit of hope, your path ahead lies in building your life separate from hers. It still hurts at times, but you finally start really investing yourself emotionally in this new life path by letting go of the fantasy. Oddly, surprises sometimes happen then, but you are then in a position to be able to really evaluate what you need to happen rather than what you will do to grasp the fantasy. It takes a lot longer than we think after we believe we have turned that corner to actually turn that corner.
Your Ds will benefit from having their dad so much more a part of their life and so much more nurturing of them. That is a gift your W didn't intend, but she did give it to you and you ran with it about as hard as anyone I've seen. You can look your Ds in the eyes when they're older and want to ask about what really happened with you and mom, and they will know by looking into your eyes that you stood for your M & for them. And you will have so many special moments with them that they (& you) will cherish for the rest of their (and your) lives.
Check in from time to time to let us know how you are doing, and stay strong, be healthy, and be happy!
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Matt, this is awesome, and so great to hear from you! We all miss you here, but I understand why you had to go. You give me hope with your update. Keep up the good work, and big hugs!
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
two Fridays ago, I pulled up at home and noticed grinding brakes. I planned to put it off a couple days since I had the girls and set off on some GAL stuff on Saturday. A little bit out, I decided that they were too bad and went to the shop. Got there around noon with my girls, totally unprepared for the day. Wound up spending over four hours walking around the busiest intersections in the city going into stores and restaurants and stuff until the car was finished. And you know what? It all just rolled off my back. I wasn't angry, wasn't grumpy, wasn't really upset at the timing. Just made the best of it for the girls and moved on. Even went and ran two other errands after the car was fixed. I just can feel that I have a totally different perspective on life now.
This recalled a memory I have not thought about in years. It truly is about what attitude we take, right? When my kids were little (and before cell phones) my car broke down in the middle traffic, and I had to walk with them to the nearest place that had a phone. The best part? It was raining cats & dogs. Fortunately, I had just read a book about turning unpleasant surprises into "adventures" and making the most of it. Usually, I would have been very upset, and mad at my H b/c the car quit while I was driving it. Instead, I got both kids by the their hands and we took off running in the rain and I was laughing and jumping puddles. My little girl was stunned! She said, "Mom, aren't you mad"? Now, that's the sad thing, to know she was expecting and dreading a bad attitude from me. As it turned out, we had a fun time (and I didn't even get angry at my H,bwhen I called him). So, yes, it's all about how we choose to handle situations.
It's so good to hear from you, Matt. It is especially wonderful to hear you are happy. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Matt, great update. I am so happy to hear that you are doing so well. You continue to be an inspiration for so many of us. Have a great weekend!! Can't wait to hear your next update.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Awesome Mattv2.0! I am always thinking about you, such a relief to know you are better than ok! Keep moving forward!ay GOD continue to bless you on your new life!
You have been so incredibly helpful to me in my situation... I was sad to read about what happened. But so glad to read your most recent post! You are doing such an awesome job at working on yourself & being the person that only a fool would leave. Bit kudos to you. Keep it up!!
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Matt777, I just read this entire thread and I'm touched by your story. You received a lot of support and kind words from the people on this forum, showing what a positive presence you have been.
I will break from the crowd and say that I don't really understand why your W feels hurt by your posts here. Everyone seeks advice as I'm sure she has, most likely with people who know you. She has shared the reasons why she wanted to separate from you, telling on your bad behavior, opening windows on very private situations. All of this with people who are around to judge you and hold a grudge against you.
Now if my WW was to read this thread, I would feel violated much the same way as if she read my journal. If you find someone's journal, it does not give you any right to read it. It's personal. Using any of this information against you would be even worse. I agree that you should not feel any guilt: you've done what anyone does, which is to seek advice, but you've done it better: with strangers and out of love.
Your presence here is a show of true love. Your pain brought you to a place for people who hope to save their marriage and better themselves. Knowing that about you should be seen in a positive light. You wanted to do the right thing to save your M and do your part to make her happy.
I like what is happening with you, your GAL and all, but I'd like to make a suggestion. So far, you have focused on keeping busy. From now on, I encourage you to find things that truly make you happy. Look inside of you what you really enjoy and give yourself permission. If you want to turn the living room into a man cave to your favorite sports team, now's the time. If you want to buy an RC car, start knitting, take up tango classes - do it now. This is good news: now you can. Because it's by making yourself happy that you'll be a better person to those around you. You'll feel at peace with the world, not feeling that anyone owes you anything, you'll be looking forward to your mornings.
It's a good thing that you are moving on from your M. We can see the curve and where it's going: soon, you'll be free not only from the pain, but from the attachment. You are already a better person, a better dad and eventually a better partner. You're a success story in the making.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Im always so amazed by the kind words every time I check this thread.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
If my WW was to read this thread, I would feel violated much the same way as if she read my journal. If you find someone's journal, it does not give you any right to read it. It's personal.
Yes, I understand that it was her choice to read whatever it was that she read. Yes, there were things there that were posted by me or others that would most certainly hurt her to read. But, some of the feelings I shared were still probably best not put out so openly into the world such that anyone that knew us and was looking could find them. There is somewhat of a difference between the postings and this site and a journal kept in a drawer. Based on this, all of the postings that I make are focused on me and not what she has done, is doing, or will do.
With that said, something truly incredible happened to me on Monday. Im in love again!! No...just kidding. As I mentioned in my previous posts, Ive been going to game nights on Mondays for the last 4-5 months. This is with complete strangers that only know me through this weekly gathering. As with probably many of the people here, Im terrible with strangers - Im incredibly shy, I dont deal well with small talk, I dont like crowds...you name it. Anyway, this week, one of the guys asked ME if I wanted to join his fantasy football league - they had an odd number and he was looking for someone else. There are a couple of the other guys from game night in this league, but theres another 12 that will be total strangers. So, of all of the people in this league and all of the people they know, somehow, they asked me to join. While it sounds so trivial written out, it means so incredibly much to me that somehow, Ive found some people that were previously strangers, and been accepted and really brought into the group as an equal. And now, Im going to go into a place with 12 total strangers and be the guy that I never knew I was capable of being.
With regards to dating and such, of course, Ive gotten pressure from several friends to go out and start looking again. But as I said to my friend the other day "I dont think its fair to start a new relationship, until Im not certain that if my wife approached me to consider reconciling, I would sacrifice the new relationship for the old one." He said that that was a very mature way to look at things and really, I think, was surprised at the way that I am handling going through this process. As Ive seen PigPen write many times, a lot of people get through this time medicated on alcohol, drugs, or sex. I am choosing to heal in a way that will respect the relationship that I had and prepare me properly for whatever relationship I may have in the future. I will not look back on this time and regret the actions I took while in this state of rejection and betrayal.
Thats really all for now. Thank you again for everyone's continued support!
Matt, you are inspiring! I hope things continue to improve for you, you sound like the nicest, most emotionally mature, loving man. You deserve someone who appreciates all of your qualities.
And I am thinking about what you wrote about this not being a journal. I am probably sharing too much. I am considering toning it down.
