Is there a right or a wrong Decision

[ATPeace]

I guess 25 years of being with her I know that if she was then she would have told me ....I have had several conversations with her and I know how she would be if there was another man

She does not have the time for a relationship and she wants to be single I guess it is a gut feeling if I am wrong then I will stand up and be corrected

[Azzork]

I guess 25 years of being with her I know that if she was then she would have told me ....I have had several conversations with her and I know how she would be if there was another man

Im not saying she is or she isnt.

But you think if she were having an affair, she would TELL you about it?

Ghost. Buddy. Really?

Why would she TELL you about it?

She is getting everything she wants right now. She has you in her back pocket doing all of the housework and babysitting. She is living in her nice house, seeing her kids whenever she wants. She has a built in friend to watch TV with or whatever at any time.

If she has something on the side and told you about it, Im sure all of that would be gone in an instant.

So. No. I dont think she would tell you about it.

[ATPeace]

Azzork I do understand where you are coming from and I guess she would not come out and tell me and yes you are right ...right now she does have everything that she wants ....I still am sure right now there is no other man.

Perhaps I will be proved to be wrong but I know my W if the was then she would have left I am certain of this

I have killed her trust of all men her words

I have to keep trying to move forward and detach focus on this not other things

[Azzork]

I'm not saying that she is.
But thinking that she's not because she would tell you if she were is ludicrous.

[tkdmme]

Ghost Azzork,

Whether there is an A or not at this point in my sitch I think is irrelevant. I cant speak for Ghost but I know that there is no way my wife would tell me if there was an A. I think I have snooped enough and if I did find some hard evidence, im not sure I wouldn't be able to keep from confronting her.

I am sticking to the basics of DB. it is definitely working for me. Im feeling better and don't have as many bad days as I used to. The W on the other hand seems to be feeling worse. I think she was enjoying my pursuit in some sick way. By detaching and GAL it seems that the her focus is off of me and my constant reasoning and begging. Again, I don't know, but it seems that she has been forced to look at herself for the first time in this sitch.

Ghost,
If you are anything like me, I think the same would work in your sitch. I have only been at this for a month and can see changes in the way she is acting. BTW these are not good changes for her because she seems to be feeling worse, but they are changes none the less.

[gonegrl]

Ghost, my H is the very LAST person in the world I would have thought would have cheated. And for the few weeks pre-BD I asked him point blank several times if he had an OW and he said no. I even had a dream that he was in a restaurant with OW, told him about it and he acted like "wow, what a bad dream, you know I'd never do that". And he did. It was "just" an EA (that he admits to now, but who really knows because he obviously wasn't telling the truth).

[Fogg]

Ghost, "killed all trust in men". Don't listen to [censored] like that. You played your role and made mistakes but so did she. You change the things you can about yourself, don't take all the blame for what's happened. Also, my W said things very similar in the beginning about not wanting another relationship but the fact was she was in an EA with a "really good friend". She texted him all in the beginning but didnt spend time with him until about 3 months after BD. He was filling her unmet needs and after so long of that happening feelings develop further. Nothing you can do about it now if she is moving closer to another man but work on yourself. My W was on that single party life in the very beginning also. Not saying this to make you think that's what's happening with your W but this is just how it tends to happen in situations like this.

Go and read my first thread and you can see I had the exact same mindset that you have right now. I blamed myself for my W walking away ( different circumstances) but I knew why W. I knew who she was and what she would do, or so I thought. When red flags began to appear about her "really good friend" I put myself into denial and focused it back on me thinking I pushed her away and wasn't there for her emotionally so she used her friends as support. Your W is not the same woman anymore.

Some things my W said to me "I don't need a man in my life,I can do it myself alone", and her "really good friends" that helped her through a crisis when I couldn't.

[ATPeace]

Ok,....ding....ding....ding time,out if I thought my wife was having an A I wood have mentioned it myself...now I know you have good intention but it is not helping ...honest....I am not putting my head in the clouds if she was having an A then I know she would be being a lot more secretive

Ok to recap on my sitch.
My W was feeling unloved I did not spend the evenings with her as much as I should have and she was hurt and upset by this...I would put my hobbies and my work before her and this was wrong. Three years ago we nearly split up but I managed to persuade her to change her mind but nothing much changed I still did not do enough around the house and I still did not spend enough time with her

So over three years possibly longer she has been feeling sad lonely and resentful and she has been using this time to detach from me and make a decision as to when she was going to leave.

When we separated she told me that there was no way she was going to come to me she wrote me a letter and made it very clear that it was over and she was not going to be changing her mind this is not about her having an affair this is about being lonely and unloved.

I do not know if there is anything I can do that will make this right I don't even know what right is anymore....I would love more than anything for my wife and I to get back together but I do not think this is ever going to happen.

So my biggest fears are there she will have an affair that she will find someone else to make a happy and right now the more I think about that really the less it helps.

I have four kids my youngest is only two and the thought of her being bought up by single parents really doesn't fill me with any excitement whatsoever my eldest child is nearly 17

I really do not know if there is any possibility of my wife falling back in love with me I don't know but all I know is I have to try and bring my feelings away from her

Yes at the moment my wife has got everything she does still live in the house she does get to see the children she does have me doing the housework being her television buddy but I guess on reflection I have the same and the only thing I don't have is is a loving wife

So please when I say that I believe she's not having an affair please let me at least hang on to this thought

I really do appreciate all the help that I get from this site and I know many of you have tried telling me time and time again that I have to move on I'm trying I really am .

I am not naive and I know my wife's emotional needs are being fulfilled she is building up a lot of friends so she can go out and socialise she has my male friend who she can talk to and yes he is happily married he is a children's God parent and both he and she have said nothing is happening.

He is a good friend he is more than 10 years younger than her his wife has just had a baby and I know they are happy together I know this

So whilst we are living in the house together we are getting along very well we have not argued in over two months now nearly 3 months since we separatedshe tells me she is happier because she does not have to rely on me she doesn't have to put me first and she can worry about only herself and looking after the children

Thank you all for your help and support please don't give up on me I will get through this and I will be stronger

Ghost

[ATPeace]

So as I see it I have just two options option one staying at my house with my children with my wife doesn't love me in the hope that things may get better I get to see my children every day I sleep in my own bed and my life is pretty [censored]
Or option two is I sell my house I see my children two all three days a week if I'm lucky I probably won't see my wife any more we will divorce and I believe my life will be worse

So I'm going to try and detach [censored] I need help with that I'm going to try and stop having feelings for my wife [censored] I don't know if I can do that but I have no choice

[roist]

With time and work (on you) you will get to a place where you know you will be OK, eventually better than OK. Do not accept that your life will be either bad or worse.

You said your wife has been feeling that way over three years. That will take a long time to change. What you do in the meantime is your choice. Reread the rules, listen to the advice and think hard .