I contacts a recommend child psychologist to get my kids in for counseling. She is a specialist that deals with kids of divorce. My kids are showing signs of the strain and I want to make this a easy as possible or them.
My W wants to take them with the AP to Las Vegas for 2 days in October. I suggested waiting until our D is finalized a year before introducing the kids to her. She balked but then said she would consider it.
I will bring it up with the psychologist in a non threatning and/or controlling way. My W can do whatever she wants with whoever she wants when she is not with the kid, but not drag them into her mess.
I am hoping an external third party professional will back me up on this issue. We'll see and I have my fingers crossed. My kids have had enough trauma for the year.
Am I wrong for wnating her to wait a year? I have no idea if this scuzzy AP will be on the scene for a another year. I just want my kids to have the most stability possible.
1. I talk to much on the phone with my Mom 2. We weren't out enough when we started dating 20 years ago.
My my my - the list keep growing and shifting and morphing.
Tonight - meeting up with a friend at 6 and then head home. Tomorrow - coooking dinner for a friend. Today got invited to a baseball game at the stadium - which will be fun!
1. You eat toast 2. You once had streaks in your hair 3. You have a t shirt with a stain 4. You like Frank Sinatra singing White Christmas 5. You hate Frank Sinatra singing white Christmas 6. You don't know who sings White Christmas 7. You don't care who sings white Christmas 8. You answered the phone in a bath towel once 9. You sing white Christmas in the shower 10. You once left the toothpaste cap off
And so on........
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yeah, leave the crazy monkey show where it firmly belongs: W's circus ring. You just cannot worry about W's opinion of you or your parenting style. She's just looking for buttons to press and waiting to see if you light up like an Otis elevator.
I think you did a really good job throwing out a truth bazooka W's way about her not really putting the kids' best interests at the top of her list. Well done. Sometimes we have really let it blow and not always drink the STFU smoothie allllll the time.
So glad to read that you're engaging a child psychologist to aid your children's transition. A very, very smart move on your part. Wise choice.
Yeah, about your W taking the kids out with the AP on an extended vacation. Don't you have the right of refusal as outlined in the separation agreement. Is that enforceable?
I will certainly bring it up in the Child Psychologists Meeting tomorrow.
Went to friends house last night and we talked about our divorces and how similar they were/are - infidelity and the inevitable bad feelings it triggers. She is 5 years out post bomb drop and is still angry at her ex. Wow. She said she has gotten better too!
I guess like anything else, it is a process and processes don't have any time tables, you just go through them at whatever speed works for you. There is no one size fits all.
My friend suggested what everyone on this board has suggested, put the focus on ME and what is best for ME and my kids. Period. Ignore STBX antics and try to parent to the best of your ability with her even if you don't like her, understand her or even recognize her at this point. It is not about HER but ME.
The worst part about all of this mess is that W works at the same company, she is involved in school and we are both from the same town. So much overlap. It is hard to get away from her which is what I want to do right now. I just don't think that is possible.
Gotta keep reminding myself of that.
Dinner with friend tonight. Going to try and grill some steaks on the new grill.
So after all of this I find that I am not able to even look at W, be in the same room with her, or even even talk to her. 90% of communication is about kids and is by email and even that is hard.
I am just so profoundly shocked and shaken and dissapointed to my core that I don't think I will be ever able to speak to her or have a conversation with her again. That is challenging becuase we have kids. So our spreadsheet serves in that capacity. When we did have to meet to pick up kids, we don't acknowledge one another, just text "here" and she brings the kids out and vice versa.
WTF is wrong with me? Last Saturday when we did talk - about her proposed trip with her AP and our kids, she asked me how I could amputate her out of my life after 19 years? I had no answer for her and still don't.
Does anyone have the same situation? Is this post traumatic shock disorder or just plain stubborness on my part. Today she sent about 6 differnt emails about kids, schedules, coordination, updates, drop off's etc.... that it just overloaded my brain and I could not deal. I feel I have been made mute by this experience when I have to deal with her in any capacity. I feel my face is numb and emotionless.
I don't want to be this way, I have accepted everything, but is this just a part of the grieving process? I do't want it to be viewed as a passive agressive action on my part but I am honestly unable to be anywhere near her.
I hear you HeavyD. I think it's part of the process and I imagine that, like any grieving, it gets easier with time.
I've tried to put some boundaries on communication-- we only talk about logistics about our D, but there are a lot of logistics to sort out, and I find it difficult.
And then I am interpreted as not communicating enough. But I've found it helpful to put a little bit of space and sometimes I respond, "let me think about that and get back to you."
It's tough-- so tough that they choose this over working on creating a happy life together, especially since there is so much regarding the kids that will be there for years to come.
But we can control them. And I think it will get easier. Hang in there.
No, we have no control over others. I have learned that. The whole free will thing is hard but it's just that free will. We all have our choices in life, many of them actually. But with the choices we all get to make, we have to live with the consequnces of them. Some are good and some are bad but it's like the law of nature. Just like we can't stop Fall from happening or a river flowing. The only thing we can do is observe and try to enjoy the moment.
I seriously have to work on forgiveness. I know that is God's plan, and as a follower of Christ, I have to forgive just as I have been forgiven of my many mistakes in this life.
I am wrestling with it, doing breathing execises, read "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodrun and it's all there. The key to happiness and moving forward is forgiveness. Forgivenes is God's command, I know that.
Now I don't plan on being all chatty about it, but just like loving someone from afar, maybe I can forgive from afar too. I don't have to make any grand pronouncements, just if it happens, I thnk attitutdes and actions will fall in line accordingly.
