The GAL will be difficult. I'm president of a business organization and now I've been kicked out of the business. I'm involved in many local things H is in as well.
I'm unsure how to relate this program exactly to my situation though. My H wants to work the marriage out, but needs time to heal and there is a huge two-side of the coin discrepancy going on. (I will not be discussing my side with him as this has only been destructive so far.) I guess I just need to get more 'big girl pants' to last me through empathizing with all his pain. I am in need of patience in large quantities.
Going dark for me would be counter-productive. Not trying to meet his needs would be as well.
I was not terribly receptive to our M before he left. Many times lashing out in anger due to perceived injustices and hurt. H feels that although he needs space, he needs me to pursue the R with him.
I haven't got the ILYBNILWY notice yet... I was the one that had used that before, but never left or had EA/PA.
Maybe soon I will be cheery enough to GAL, but I'm not there yet. Most of my time is spent trying to figure out what to do about the one teetering on the brink of destruction and focusing on changing myself.
Anyway- I too feel the need to be right. I have read on here somewhere you can either be right or be happy. That made it easier for me to let go of.
The control thing- once we realize we aren't really in control of anything in the first place, everything belongs to and is in God's control, then trying to control can make us feel really stupid.
We miss our WASs because they are a part of us. It was meant to be that way. Hopefully, this is only a bad season that will pass and make us stronger when it's gone.
Thanks for the encouragement! Keep your chin up!
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
I'm on my phone so it's tough to do fancy quotes. But here are some thoughts.
1) you said he needs time to heal. How does pursuing him right now give him the time and space to do that? How is giving him that space mean "not meeting his needs"?
2) counter-INTUITIVE is not the same as counter-PRODUCTIVE
3) you have GAL backwards. It helps you BECOME cheery. How are you going to become cheery sitting in a lonely house?
4) buried up there you have the key: focus on changing you.
The GAL will be difficult. I'm president of a business organization and now I've been kicked out of the business. I'm involved in many local things H is in as well.
I'm unsure how to relate this program exactly to my situation though. My H wants to work the marriage out, but needs time to heal and there is a huge two-side of the coin discrepancy going on. (I will not be discussing my side with him as this has only been destructive so far.) I guess I just need to get more 'big girl pants' to last me through empathizing with all his pain. I am in need of patience in large quantities.
Going dark for me would be counter-productive. Not trying to meet his needs would be as well.
I was not terribly receptive to our M before he left. Many times lashing out in anger due to perceived injustices and hurt. H feels that although he needs space, he needs me to pursue the R with him.
I haven't got the ILYBNILWY notice yet... I was the one that had used that before, but never left or had EA/PA.
Maybe soon I will be cheery enough to GAL, but I'm not there yet. Most of my time is spent trying to figure out what to do about the one teetering on the brink of destruction and focusing on changing myself.
Anyway- I too feel the need to be right. I have read on here somewhere you can either be right or be happy. That made it easier for me to let go of.
The control thing- once we realize we aren't really in control of anything in the first place, everything belongs to and is in God's control, then trying to control can make us feel really stupid.
We miss our WASs because they are a part of us. It was meant to be that way. Hopefully, this is only a bad season that will pass and make us stronger when it's gone.
Thanks for the encouragement! Keep your chin up!
Hello Sparker,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is easy to be confused when you have so many thoughts going through your head! GAL is critical and sometimes you will need to force yourself. This will also help with PMA. Become the wife he would be a fool to leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
I replied to this at length. Post never made it!??
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
Looks like you have good people giving good advice.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
[color:#FF0000]In my 2nd attempt at a response, I'll try it this way: [/color]
Originally Posted By: Azzork
I'm on my phone so it's tough to do fancy quotes. But here are some thoughts.
1) you said he needs time to heal. How does pursuing him right now give him the time and space to do that? How is giving him that space mean "not meeting his needs"?
Yes, but pursuing the R with him is a 180 for me & so are meeting his needs. I had checked out of our M awhile ago except for being angry & resentful. He doesn't live at home anymore so I don't see him except for arranged times. I am trying to give him space he needs, but he is wanting less space now. We had been dark for awhile.
2) counter-INTUITIVE is not the same as counter-PRODUCTIVE
Agreed. What is intuitive for me is to beg, plead, manipulate, and cajole in order for him to meet my needs all while blaming him. (Selfishness) What is proving productive is practicing personal changes & showing him those changes. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but I thought I was supposed to follow what works.
3) you have GAL backwards. It helps you BECOME cheery. How are you going to become cheery sitting in a lonely house?
Yes, you have a good point there. I am working on so much right now as it is. I will not push myself further that I think is good for me. Not that I'm in the comfort zone by any means, that is a distant memory for me, but I have always expected too much from myself & trying to 180 from that. Being kinder & forgiving myself more has led to me being more tolerant of others' faults as well. With two kids still at home, a farm to work on, a 3rd generation house to restore, public activities, and all this personal work... I couldn't handle more of a life & don't have time for hobbies. I live in a town of 2200 people and am trying to scrape by so outings are limited in the most ideal of conditions.
4) buried up there you have the key: focus on changing you.
[color:#FF0000]Thank you for this response, I'm grateful for the input. When my thinking gets challenged, I have to delve into my mind further and it can be painful, but productive. Either it strengthens my resolve or shows me more change needed. Please, let me know if you have further thoughts on this.
Have a peaceful & productive day![/color]
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
1) you said he needs time to heal. How does pursuing him right now give him the time and space to do that? How is giving him that space mean "not meeting his needs"?
Yes, but pursuing the R with him is a 180 for me & so are meeting his needs. I had checked out of our M awhile ago except for being angry & resentful. He doesn't live at home anymore so I don't see him except for arranged times. I am trying to give him space he needs, but he is wanting less space now. We had been dark for awhile.
You say he wants less space. But in your signature, you posted that he changed the locks and business accounts. Those dont seem like actions of someone committed to your relationship.
Unfortunately, once that bomb drops, the WAS is changed. Things that may have worked to save your M before dont really work now. I would not advise to pursue and try to meet all of his needs. I think it will make him feel pressured and cause him to run farther. But thats just my opinion. You really want him to be pursuing you.
2) counter-INTUITIVE is not the same as counter-PRODUCTIVE
Agreed. What is intuitive for me is to beg, plead, manipulate, and cajole in order for him to meet my needs all while blaming him. (Selfishness) What is proving productive is practicing personal changes & showing him those changes. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but I thought I was supposed to follow what works.
Yes. Do whats working. Thats pretty much the fundamental basis for solution-oriented thinking. But the changes you make arent to "win" him back. They are for you. They are so you become a better person. Its not really about "showing" them to your S...if he's interested, he will notice them.
3) you have GAL backwards. It helps you BECOME cheery. How are you going to become cheery sitting in a lonely house?
Yes, you have a good point there. I am working on so much right now as it is. I will not push myself further that I think is good for me. Not that I'm in the comfort zone by any means, that is a distant memory for me, but I have always expected too much from myself & trying to 180 from that. Being kinder & forgiving myself more has led to me being more tolerant of others' faults as well. With two kids still at home, a farm to work on, a 3rd generation house to restore, public activities, and all this personal work... I couldn't handle more of a life & don't have time for hobbies. I live in a town of 2200 people and am trying to scrape by so outings are limited in the most ideal of conditions. Im not saying you need to go out clubbing every night and send tons of cash. But going out and meeting people and having good times will help raise your spirit. I find when I sit home, I do nothing but obsess about my situation. So stay busy - join a book club, join a meetup group, anything. There are tons of things you can do that dont cost much.
Thank you for this response, I'm grateful for the input. When my thinking gets challenged, I have to delve into my mind further and it can be painful, but productive. Either it strengthens my resolve or shows me more change needed.
Im big on goals, in case you haven noticed. Can you share some of yours? You mention that you are working on a lot. Can you lay them out?
