Just realizing that the last 6 months is finally catching up with me energy wise. Feeling super drained physically, emotionally, and mentally. Really have noticed it in bootcamp the last few sessions. Nothing like a strenuous bootcamp to bring out a good stress cry. So exhausted and it is only Monday.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
The emotional and mental turmoil is draining! Give yourself a break and rest.
I went to a church concert last night and parts of it was quite moving. I also had a few short conversations with H during the day that were not bad at all, just a little intense. Today, I had an appointment for a massage, but the therapist had to cancel - and I was really relieved, I just want to recuperate from yesterday!
H is away for a few days, and I'm happy to sit still and listen to the silence and get a chance to write.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
BT, it is soooo exhausting. When you can, give yourself a break and relax somewhere. Watch a sunset, a silly senseless show, or read a book with no advice. Just try to take care of yourself.
You deserve it! E
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Ok, I need to get a grip. My H and I cannot seem to have a civil conversation anymore. I don't like the person I am in these conversations and I need to stop. It is like I have forgotten DB 101. I know what I am supposed to do in dealing with an irrational person, but he just [censored] me in with the stuff he says.
H came over to get some things. He did not look like he was doing great. I asked him to sitdown and chat. I wanted to try to have a calm conversation about how he is feeling about D and proceeding forward. It is important to me that we are both secure in this decision and find a way to work together. I just wan him to open up to me and let me know what he is thinking and feeling. I kniw niw thus is just not feasible for him. The conversation quickly turned to how I said I wouldn't file and did not believe in D, but yet I filed. So yes, now D is my fault. I firmly said that I am responsible for half of our M issues, but the D rests on his shoulders. I tried to explain why and that it was not wanted to do, but felt he gave me no choice due to continuing A, the lying and needed to protect myself financially. He quickly tried to shift the entire blame to me. He is adamant that he can have A and be assessing our M. I told him that is not realistically feasible and that I will not live in open M. Of couse, he reiterated his favorite line that it can not be an open M because we are no longer M.
That is when I let l lose and unleashed all of the pain and hurt that has been bottled up over the past 6 months and beyond. It was not pretty. I asked him how he can look at himself in the mirror with the lying and the A. That I am disgusted that after 14 yrs together, he has made me (and our M) feel like a piece of garbage that can be easily thrown away and how hurtful that is to me. I said that I felt sorry that he thinks the answer is to run and that will lead him to exactly what he fears, which is being old and alone. I said that I can rest in knowing that I gave 100% effort over the past 6 months to trying to save our M. He just kept putting down everything down I said. Like saying, "Yes, you did such a great job of trying to save our M."
At that point I know I should have stopped and left the house. Instead, I said some things to be hurtful. That is not the person I want to be and I am sorry I let it go there. It just makes me upset that he refuses, or more likely, is incapable of seeing his part in all of this. He also was making it clear he is going to be difficult about splitting our stuff up and is going to try get as much out of D as possible. At one point we did hug after the hostility died down a bit. I just cried and said this was so hard and it was not how I wanted things to be. I also did send text later that night apologizing for some of my words and that it was because I am hurting and in pain right now. I said I would give up all of our stuff if it meant we could save our M.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
It sounds like you still think you can reach him with rational words and logic, or appeal to his empathy. And when that didn't work (which it won't as long as A is active, I believe), you got frustrated and angry. And you were trying to get him to agree that his behavior forced your hand, which is obviously not going to happen - you're not going to get his agreement or approval...
So better to leave him alone. These thoughts could perhaps be expressed in a letter at some point, so no argument could arise from it and he could think about it without feeling defensive. But he is in a total, irrational fog of denial.
I understand the hurt. I truly do. I think this went south the moment you asked him to sit down and talk, though, not later in the conversation. You wanted to talk, I don't think he did. Be cheerful, brief and busy. If he comes again, maybe have someone else there? I wouldn't leave him alone since he has a history of taking mutual stuff.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
So BT, sounds like it was a rough day for your db. Ok, that happens to all of us. ALL of us.
What you do next will tell you something. Are you going to look at that interaction and see how you were not the woman you want to be. I am sure there were a few things there you will see that you will learn from.
The other thing you can do is look to see the positives. You stood firm in your Stance of protecting yourself. No open marriage, no matter what he responded with, is your boundary. So there is some good there.
Living and learning, and moving forward.
Also thank you for the recommendations on the brene tedtalk. I need to let that sink in a bit. It parallels what we have discussed in IC (he must have watched the video to ).
So I watched the second vid you recommended on the misconceptions of male sexuality, Wow. I'd seen some of her other Presentations like infidelity and sexuality, but That one was a pretty eye opener. That with the SSM video from MWD is some powerful stuff.
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