Need advice for a WW who left Part 3

[dwh15]

OK...so she's lied to you for a year or more...now she's used the kids as an excuse to get into your house and steal from you...

Do you have an L hired yet? What steps have you taken to ensure that she can't steal from you again?

I cannot urge you strongly enough to take decisive action. Let me ask you this- how would you respond if the baby sitter took your wedding ring and car titles? Seriously. She isn't your W anymore. She is an ex, with another man, living in another household, and she feels entitled to everything you own because she deserves it because it's your fault she's in that spot. All of her pain is your fault. Don't get drawn into discussion or debate with her. Protect your a$$ TODAY.

I don't think you understand. I had asked WW to come and check on the kids today. Otherwise, I get to spend my lunch hour driving back and forth to do it. I was fine with the idea of her coming in and spending an hour or two quality time with the kids. I had no idea she was going to take those jewelry boxes. It was mostly her stuff and I would have been fine with it, except for the fact of my wedding ring and the car titles. I don't think she did it deliberately, but her reaction when confronted is what really bothered me. So I guess the answer is I need to get a keyed lock for my bedroom and I put anything of value that I don't want her snooping with in that room locked. We'll see how she follows through on returning the things she "accidentally" took.

Yes, I do have an attorney, and yes, I can legally keep her out of the house. Depending on how this works out, I may have to resort to doing so. I hate that it has come to this, but she's certainly still in full wayward mode, and I learned a hard lesson, yet again, about trusting her.

[Zues126]

No, I understand perfectly. You trusted her and she took advantage.

For you to trust her to continue to come into your house because you don't think you're further exposed or because you lock up other things...that is foolish.

What if she plants a recording device in the bedroom and living room, then uses this information to destroy you in court. Or some recording keystroke devise on your computer. Do you think this is impossible? Do you think she wouldn't do this?

How many more times does she have to prove she is dangerous before you take this seriously?

Listen, I'm all about not escalating the situation, I don't believe in preemptive aggression, I'm not suggesting you get adversarial. But if I were in your shoes I'd make darn sure you were 110% protected.

Yes, she'll throw stones and get angry and blame you. She'll do that anyway.

Please read my post and Bob's post from the prior page. This is STANDARD. You need to believe us that this is coming. First LBH's don't see BD coming. Then they don't believe their WAW could be having a PA. Then they don't believe they'd be dishonest...by the time they realize what they're dealing with they've been bamboozled.

You can take it or leave it, I just can't watch what I know is coming without trying to shout 'look out!'

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2603554&#Post2603554

[dwh15]

Zeus, thanks for the link. I read up on your and Joe's situations. Wow. Unbelievable how someone who professed to love you until your last breath can almost overnight turn into your worst enemy. At this point, I wouldn't put anything past my WW. I really don't know her anymore; she has become so centered on her own needs that she puts her before anyone else, and will somehow justify it, as if it makes perfect sense and everyone else is a jerk for not seeing it that way. Her own family and formerly close friends all see it, and most have lost touch with her because of it.

I had hoped that, over the past few months, maybe she was starting to have some regrets about her choices. I think she does, but mostly in the way that her life has suffered. It's not because she feels bad for the pain she has caused me or anyone else; it's because of what SHE has lost in terms of money and time with the kids.

For now, my plan is to put a new lock on my bedroom door and put anything of value which I think she might take in there behind locked door when I'm gone. The kids start school next week, meaning nobody will be here during the day, so the outside door will be locked, with nobody to let her in, and she doesn't have a key to the recently changed lock on that door. Going forward, I plan to keep that outside door locked at all times and I guess I'm going to have to tell her no coming into the house w/o me around. I'm sad that it has to be this way, but I simply can't trust her, and I know she doesn't trust me. She assumes every move I make is to somehow make her suffer or make her look bad when it gets time to determine child custody.

Right now, I simply want to have a healthy co-parenting R with her, but even that seems difficult. The more time goes on, the more I detach and distance myself, and really do feel like I'm reaching a point where I don't honestly know if I could take her back. Can't believe this is my life right now.

[Uphill]

Gun safes are worth their weight in gold! I have a very large one, I keep car titles, birth certificates, money, extra car keys, pictures... Hell I even have Zip drives in there that have backups of the pictures!

[Uphill]

Oh and another BIG thing kept in thee, all my logs from this situation. Notes with times and dates of how things happened, days when S4 was where an with what parent (I'm way ahead on days and overnights), receipts from any clothes or anything else she needed for S4, receipts for the groceries I bought for her apartment, ect... Records of every move either one of us make! Also have included a paper with time and dates of stupid stuff she posts online. A few times it has said on Facebook things such as "too stressed and drained to deal with life today F work". Took screenshots and noted date and time so I can find the pics easier.

[dwh15]

Thanks Uphill. Love your suggestions. My WW is always posting a bunch of junk on FB too. I used to try and read into it, but anymore I don't bother. I finally realized that most of it had nothing to do with me, but more based on how things were going with OM, or whatever other drama was going on in her life. Guess it doesn't hurt to keep track but not sure how useful it would be in a custody case. I do track daily activity and time spent with kids, and will be using that to my advantage when we get to determining custody.

What's strange is that my WW had to give up her normal Monday nights with kids, due to starting on a dart league which plays that night. So I told her I'm wide open to whatever kind of replacement schedule you want to create. She keeps pushing for 50%, which is a min of 3 nights/week, but do you think she can come up with a replacement day? Nope. Keeps saying she's thinking about it but no good ideas yet. There are only 4 other nights in the week, so I can see what a difficult decision it must be (rolls eyes). The real issue is she has "fun" stuff going on the other nights, or they are dedicated to OM. I'm not pushing at all; it's up to her to decide. And if she wants to settle for 2 nights/week, fine by me. This is all getting brought in front of a court at some point so the more time the kids are with me, the better as far as I'm concerned. I honestly don't think she cares all that much, other than how it would potentially affect child support dollars.

Getting mad just thinking about it again. No idea who this person is, that I spent the last 24 years with.

[Vanilla]

Dwh,

I had to lock WH out of the house, he took all sorts of things including my personal things, wiped iPhones and destroyed data. Came and went as he pleased.

I changed the alarm code and then I put his stuff in a storage locker.

WH was a little like the terminator, he kept coming for more and more.

The wayward needs resources, goddamit, WH took my wine when he doesn't like that wine.

I agree with the other posters although in your sitch, protective and safe is good.

The expression enough rope...........

Complete freedom to misbehave, although your stuff is off bounds.

Instead of blocking WW, control the environment, it will work much better. No use being cross it stops you from grounding. Note it and let her move forward with her bad behaviour and waywardness, frankly the worse the better to achieve your objectives.


V

[Vanilla]

Oh and another BIG thing kept in thee, all my logs from this situation. Notes with times and dates of how things happened, days when S4 was where an with what parent (I'm way ahead on days and overnights), receipts from any clothes or anything else she needed for S4, receipts for the groceries I bought for her apartment, ect... Records of every move either one of us make! Also have included a paper with time and dates of stupid stuff she posts online. A few times it has said on Facebook things such as "too stressed and drained to deal with life today F work". Took screenshots and noted date and time so I can find the pics easier.

Absolutely!

And I recorded rants too.

V

[Uphill]

Dwh, I don't look into the Facebook stuff too much, just document when she bags work for no reason, acts like a 12 year old, stuff like that. She actually doesn't post much other stuff . I keep tabs, but only for info! Anything on there that could mean it is about us I will most likely screenshot but not let it bother as I may not be about me...

A good gunsafe is key, even if not in a situation like we are! My best friends home burned down in January and his 2 saved sooooo much stuff! I actually bought mine about a week after that happened for the "insurance" factor. Seeing how quickly everything can be lost. When XF left I simply changed the combo on the keypad and put in other valuables, knowing she would be in and out at times.

She does not have a key to my home, changed them locks same day she left. But a lot of value can be shoved into a purse during a "potty break" haha

[dwh15]

Had an interesting night. It was open house at the school for S10 and WW said she wanted to attend, so we all met at the school. Everything went well, we met teachers and staff, and sort of felt like a normal family for a while there. It doesn't bother me like it used to. I'm always aware of the current reality and don't let myself slip into longing for the past anymore. So of course during down times we were talking, and funny enough most of it initiated by WW.

Somehow she found out I had started bartending and was VERY interested in that part of my life. Remember, she did the same thing at the same club for over a year, so she is familiar with how it works and a lot of the people. She kept asking for updates on specific people, warning me about all the drama, etc. She said she doesn't miss it, but I could almost see the longing in her eyes. So the conversation was overall pleasant, but I never got the idea that she seemed totally relaxed. It's almost like she seemed stressed the entire time, like something was bothering her. Of course, she often seems like that around me, so no idea. But what I like to think is that she's noticing my changes and starting to realize I was serious about them. I'm doing all the things that she always wanted me to do, and even though I told her after DDay I would do it, I'm sure she didn't believe me.

The other nice thing is that, now that I'm working in an office again every day, I'm always dressed to the hilt in nice business casual or sometimes a suit. I've noticed that I get compliments all the time, from both men and women. I smile and walk with confidence, striking up conversations wherever I go. It appears to be infectious and I get positive responses from almost everyone, which WW also notices. In short, I believe that at least some small part of her is starting to realize what she has given up. Well, I'm choosing to believe that anyway, since it makes me feel good.

Getting ready to hit the sack early tonight, as all the GAL and new job has me worn down pretty good, so need a night of catching up on sleep. And I'm positive that for tonight at least, I won't be having any dreams about WW.