I'm new here & struggling like most of you. My story is not exactly the same, but has many similarities as we all seem to be in a very similar proverbial boat. For those of you up a certain creek without a paddle... hang on and have faith! My heart truly goes out to you!
I'm new to a lot of the methods used here, but not to marriage strife. I'm struggling with my third husband, so my feeling of failure is greatly increased. There has been no unfaithfulness on either part, so I feel relief in that. My H has appeared mentally unstable for awhile now, but not sure if that is MLC or just damage from some drug usage in his life prior to our R or M. Anyway, he is living in our business and I am at home. He is a wonderful man with a kind and loving heart, very giving, and a lot of fun when things are going well. Basically, the man of my dreams! BUT- we have severe communication struggles that have led to so many other problems! All of the hurt and frustration this has caused is so incredibly painful in our M that it cripples us in almost every way. Maybe it's because we are from different cultures? H is from Puerto Rico & I'm a farm girl from the Midwest. H grew up in a family of 7 kids; me, an only child from a single mother. Relating to each other probably has much to do with starting our problems. The way we react to those problems has just about killed our M.
Before H left the last time, things really got ugly. We were picking fights with each other in the middle of the night when he got home and I decided in my infinite stubbornness to bring my cigarettes into our bedroom. (If he said one more word to me...I would light one!) Well, he did and I did. Then after he ripped up the cigarette I had just lit... I got the pack and lit another. Things turned physical quickly! He held me down and I retaliated by biting. (I HATE being held down...control issues?) Fast forward...now H needs to heal from abuse. He makes references to being able to someday not twitch when I move my hand. I can understand not wanting to walk on eggshells but feel like this is overboard. He really feels like he is traumatized and this is his 'reality'. I realize I can't reason with him right now, but I take great offence to his view due to 1st H beating the life out of me for 7 yrs. Been there, done that & feel like he has no idea.
I know I have not been the W I wanted to be, and take responsibility for my part in our M. Just still awestruck that H blames me for everything! I am trying to work on me and my issues, it just hurts as H wants to still try for our M, but doesn't see any issues from my shoes at all.
I do feel very blessed that we still love each other & want our M. That has to be a big positive in our favor! But, this is the last straw for him. Can't say I'm that far behind him emotionally.
This has got to be the longest Reader's Digest Version ever so I apologize, just not used to writing anymore.
Have a hopeful day & God bless!
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I can relate with the difference in culture as I am a Latino male and my W is Caucasian. The difference in culture could both be great at times, but present problems on others.
I am really sorry that you are here with us, but this is a great place, and a lot of great advice.
Latinos are very family oriented, does he have family around? Does he speak to them often? Hot blooded as well, which is why I can see why it escalated to physical quickly (never excusable). I myself struggle with control issues and controlling my emotions. Something I am working on now.
Can you give us what are some of the things your H has been expressing to you that he is unhappy with? As if he was telling you.
God Bless
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
No, he doesn't have family around. They do speak on the phone though. We moved away to live at my family farm after I inherited from my mother. His main support now is a couple of pastors he is close with in our town.
"As if he was telling me" ROFL!!! He's Puerto Rican... of course he's told me, and told me, ect. So many to list... here goes a few. 1. I interpret everything wrong! His words, actions, intentions, everything *My 180- mirroring his statements so I don't 'get it wrong' and trying to distance emotionally. 2. I'm too critical of him. (This goes SO deep.) *My 180- Getting a PMA, stepping back and biting my tongue for now. Also, giving up all control (acceptance) which is a really tough one for me. 3. I hate 8 out of 10 people. (This one has disappeared, but was a big one.) *My 180- Having a PMA and learning to validate.
I am learning very quickly that when I don't agree with him to just keep my mouth shut, but I still have slips.
He does seem to be noticing changes, I think he's just hesitant to trust any permanence.
I do feel blessed as my situation could be so much worse off. I should probably work on having more patience. Adding that to the endless list now.
Any insights are appreciated.
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
The cheat sheet is where I got the idea. Read and copied for myself with so many good things on here while waiting on book to arrive.
You are absolutely correct in what you stated about don't try to FIX them. Maybe I'm trying too hard to fix myself for his concerns instead of just for me. I will definitely explore that.
Thanks again
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
Just re-read post & saw my mistake. Still in a fog at times, sorry! I see what you mean about not just STFU, but validating now. Thought about this after my last experience as well, but I failed in that & wound up engaging with my view instead. Too tired and became emotional. I had success with validating before that. My progress will have many hiccups I'm sure & I'm forgiving myself for those. It's a long, unwanted journey we all seem to be on, but we will arrive somewhere, someday!
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
You are doing great in working on validation (this is something I am working on right now); and STFU (This one has been hard from me, as I have a confrontational nature, and a need to be right). So keep it up.
I have been told that sometimes it is best to keep quiet when we don't agree with something, but if you find a nice response through validation, which shows that you understand him.
Definitely work on GAL, for me the talking even if its light and breezy, its hard because I think about how much I miss my W.
Keep writing your thoughts here, it is good for the soul.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
The GAL will be difficult. I'm president of a business organization and now I've been kicked out of the business. I'm involved in many local things H is in as well.
I'm unsure how to relate this program exactly to my situation though. My H wants to work the marriage out, but needs time to heal and there is a huge two-side of the coin discrepancy going on. (I will not be discussing my side with him as this has only been destructive so far.) I guess I just need to get more 'big girl pants' to last me through empathizing with all his pain. I am in need of patience in large quantities.
Going dark for me would be counter-productive. Not trying to meet his needs would be as well.
I was not terribly receptive to our M before he left. Many times lashing out in anger due to perceived injustices and hurt. H feels that although he needs space, he needs me to pursue the R with him.
I haven't got the ILYBNILWY notice yet... I was the one that had used that before, but never left or had EA/PA.
Maybe soon I will be cheery enough to GAL, but I'm not there yet. Most of my time is spent trying to figure out what to do about the one teetering on the brink of destruction and focusing on changing myself.
Anyway- I too feel the need to be right. I have read on here somewhere you can either be right or be happy. That made it easier for me to let go of.
The control thing- once we realize we aren't really in control of anything in the first place, everything belongs to and is in God's control, then trying to control can make us feel really stupid.
We miss our WASs because they are a part of us. It was meant to be that way. Hopefully, this is only a bad season that will pass and make us stronger when it's gone.
Thanks for the encouragement! Keep your chin up!
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
I'm on my phone so it's tough to do fancy quotes. But here are some thoughts.
1) you said he needs time to heal. How does pursuing him right now give him the time and space to do that? How is giving him that space mean "not meeting his needs"?
2) counter-INTUITIVE is not the same as counter-PRODUCTIVE
3) you have GAL backwards. It helps you BECOME cheery. How are you going to become cheery sitting in a lonely house?
4) buried up there you have the key: focus on changing you.
The GAL will be difficult. I'm president of a business organization and now I've been kicked out of the business. I'm involved in many local things H is in as well.
I'm unsure how to relate this program exactly to my situation though. My H wants to work the marriage out, but needs time to heal and there is a huge two-side of the coin discrepancy going on. (I will not be discussing my side with him as this has only been destructive so far.) I guess I just need to get more 'big girl pants' to last me through empathizing with all his pain. I am in need of patience in large quantities.
Going dark for me would be counter-productive. Not trying to meet his needs would be as well.
I was not terribly receptive to our M before he left. Many times lashing out in anger due to perceived injustices and hurt. H feels that although he needs space, he needs me to pursue the R with him.
I haven't got the ILYBNILWY notice yet... I was the one that had used that before, but never left or had EA/PA.
Maybe soon I will be cheery enough to GAL, but I'm not there yet. Most of my time is spent trying to figure out what to do about the one teetering on the brink of destruction and focusing on changing myself.
Anyway- I too feel the need to be right. I have read on here somewhere you can either be right or be happy. That made it easier for me to let go of.
The control thing- once we realize we aren't really in control of anything in the first place, everything belongs to and is in God's control, then trying to control can make us feel really stupid.
We miss our WASs because they are a part of us. It was meant to be that way. Hopefully, this is only a bad season that will pass and make us stronger when it's gone.
Thanks for the encouragement! Keep your chin up!
Hello Sparker,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is easy to be confused when you have so many thoughts going through your head! GAL is critical and sometimes you will need to force yourself. This will also help with PMA. Become the wife he would be a fool to leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
I replied to this at length. Post never made it!??
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
Looks like you have good people giving good advice.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
[color:#FF0000]In my 2nd attempt at a response, I'll try it this way: [/color]
Originally Posted By: Azzork
I'm on my phone so it's tough to do fancy quotes. But here are some thoughts.
1) you said he needs time to heal. How does pursuing him right now give him the time and space to do that? How is giving him that space mean "not meeting his needs"?
Yes, but pursuing the R with him is a 180 for me & so are meeting his needs. I had checked out of our M awhile ago except for being angry & resentful. He doesn't live at home anymore so I don't see him except for arranged times. I am trying to give him space he needs, but he is wanting less space now. We had been dark for awhile.
2) counter-INTUITIVE is not the same as counter-PRODUCTIVE
Agreed. What is intuitive for me is to beg, plead, manipulate, and cajole in order for him to meet my needs all while blaming him. (Selfishness) What is proving productive is practicing personal changes & showing him those changes. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but I thought I was supposed to follow what works.
3) you have GAL backwards. It helps you BECOME cheery. How are you going to become cheery sitting in a lonely house?
Yes, you have a good point there. I am working on so much right now as it is. I will not push myself further that I think is good for me. Not that I'm in the comfort zone by any means, that is a distant memory for me, but I have always expected too much from myself & trying to 180 from that. Being kinder & forgiving myself more has led to me being more tolerant of others' faults as well. With two kids still at home, a farm to work on, a 3rd generation house to restore, public activities, and all this personal work... I couldn't handle more of a life & don't have time for hobbies. I live in a town of 2200 people and am trying to scrape by so outings are limited in the most ideal of conditions.
4) buried up there you have the key: focus on changing you.
[color:#FF0000]Thank you for this response, I'm grateful for the input. When my thinking gets challenged, I have to delve into my mind further and it can be painful, but productive. Either it strengthens my resolve or shows me more change needed. Please, let me know if you have further thoughts on this.
Have a peaceful & productive day![/color]
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
1) you said he needs time to heal. How does pursuing him right now give him the time and space to do that? How is giving him that space mean "not meeting his needs"?
Yes, but pursuing the R with him is a 180 for me & so are meeting his needs. I had checked out of our M awhile ago except for being angry & resentful. He doesn't live at home anymore so I don't see him except for arranged times. I am trying to give him space he needs, but he is wanting less space now. We had been dark for awhile.
You say he wants less space. But in your signature, you posted that he changed the locks and business accounts. Those dont seem like actions of someone committed to your relationship.
Unfortunately, once that bomb drops, the WAS is changed. Things that may have worked to save your M before dont really work now. I would not advise to pursue and try to meet all of his needs. I think it will make him feel pressured and cause him to run farther. But thats just my opinion. You really want him to be pursuing you.
2) counter-INTUITIVE is not the same as counter-PRODUCTIVE
Agreed. What is intuitive for me is to beg, plead, manipulate, and cajole in order for him to meet my needs all while blaming him. (Selfishness) What is proving productive is practicing personal changes & showing him those changes. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but I thought I was supposed to follow what works.
Yes. Do whats working. Thats pretty much the fundamental basis for solution-oriented thinking. But the changes you make arent to "win" him back. They are for you. They are so you become a better person. Its not really about "showing" them to your S...if he's interested, he will notice them.
3) you have GAL backwards. It helps you BECOME cheery. How are you going to become cheery sitting in a lonely house?
Yes, you have a good point there. I am working on so much right now as it is. I will not push myself further that I think is good for me. Not that I'm in the comfort zone by any means, that is a distant memory for me, but I have always expected too much from myself & trying to 180 from that. Being kinder & forgiving myself more has led to me being more tolerant of others' faults as well. With two kids still at home, a farm to work on, a 3rd generation house to restore, public activities, and all this personal work... I couldn't handle more of a life & don't have time for hobbies. I live in a town of 2200 people and am trying to scrape by so outings are limited in the most ideal of conditions. Im not saying you need to go out clubbing every night and send tons of cash. But going out and meeting people and having good times will help raise your spirit. I find when I sit home, I do nothing but obsess about my situation. So stay busy - join a book club, join a meetup group, anything. There are tons of things you can do that dont cost much.
Thank you for this response, I'm grateful for the input. When my thinking gets challenged, I have to delve into my mind further and it can be painful, but productive. Either it strengthens my resolve or shows me more change needed.
Im big on goals, in case you haven noticed. Can you share some of yours? You mention that you are working on a lot. Can you lay them out?
Yes, he did change the locks, then went dark! It was after this that he has wanted to work on M somewhat. Says he hasn't given up yet & has some hope for us, but it will take time.
I will further elaborate on how I'm pursuing... I send an encouraging and complementary text every morning. (He has given me much positive feedback on this.) I only pursue is he is calling or wants to meet. (Getting great practice at validating! He took me out to buy me & the kids milkshakes one night & starred at me, very emotionally & remarked that he had never heard me empathize before. He tenderly touched my leg and complimented me on it.) I have asked if he needs anything when going somewhere. (Acts of service, one of his LLs.)
We have specifically talked about this very recently and he has stated that he does need me to pursue him, but I do leave him alone unless I get the feeling from him that he wants interaction with me.
I know the changes are for me, but they do benefit the M as he has been wanting me to change for a long time. I had been too stubborn to see things from any other angle and blamed him for my unhappiness. I had become someone I never wanted to be. The motivations for my changes are becoming more one-sided as time goes on, but it will take more time to get there just as it takes more time to change.
I will try to state some of my goals on here later today. I'm feeling a little more hopeful and empowered right now so I'll use that to physically work on things I have to do for a change.
Thanks again for the feedback, have a great day!
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
Just checking in and wanted to tell you I am here with you. You seem to be doing some good positive changes in your sitch. The fact that your changes are now becoming one-sided is great, as you continue to work on yourself, he will notice.
Just wanted to provide my support. God Bless.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
SP - I think Im having a hard time reconciling the anger from your initial post (which was only yesterday) with what you wrote in this last one about positive signs.
I have a hard time seeing how you chasing after him and sending little love notes and such is the best course of action. I dont believe that you have had enough time since his leaving to really do the self-reflection and improvement that will be needed to really rebuild to a healthy relationship. I dont know...thats just my opinion in reading what you wrote just yesterday.
It feels like you are accepting all of the blame and are willing to give in to anything he is asking of you, and I fear that while it may save your marriage now, it isnt going to be a pathway to long term success. It feels like he is setting up a set of hoops for you to jump through to "earn" his love back. But if he doesnt really change any, then where will you be in a month? in a year? in 3 years?
Anyway - thats what I think, but Im certainly not an expert. Lets see your goals!
Had a pretty good day today. H called tonight to say something business related, but lingered on the phone for awhile about nothing really. I think he's bouncing back from the slip I had had two nights ago. Overall, it's been a positive day.
EMMess- Thanks for the support! I have to tell you from reading your post, your initial thought on why your W was telling you that was correct in my estimation. I had done that to an ex and that was exactly what was on my mind. Your W might be very different from me, but I would place a small wager on her seeking affirmation. She was probably feeling insecure at the time. Keep on with the positive & things can't help but get better!
Azzork- I have switched books from DB to DR and am just to the goal setting part, so am not finished yet. I reread my post and don't see what anger you're speaking about. Could you further elaborate so I might see? Although I just got approved to post things on this site two days ago, I have been all over while waiting on books and approval. No, it hasn't been that long since my M took a huge nose-dive. But what a wake-up call! It sometime seems like a lifetime ago. I haven't had enough time to become who I want to be, but I'm not waiting before jumping in to change head-first. We all have to start somewhere & there's no time like now.
I also don't see pursuing your H or W as "chasing" after them. I don't see it as winning or losing either, just being the one to make positive changes for the best outcome possible. I'm not stalking my H by any means. I could get back into my business legally if I wanted. Just unwilling to make him feel insecure right now.
A lot of the blame for where we are at now is mine. I didn't accept it before & it's time I did. But this process isn't about blame. I don't understand what you mean by "give in to anything he's asking of you," not jumping through "hoops" in my opinion. I feel that I'm just being caring and respectful of my H for a change. DR talks about evoking the change you want to see in your M. I'm working on doing that.
If one person in the R changes, the R has to change. It's a symbiotic relationship of sorts. I definitely don't feel like a doormat. I already have his love, and always have. H was just trying to fix relationship & not stay in a bad one. H blames me for his unhappiness just like I have him for years now. Not an easy problem & there's no quick solution. I just hope that by DRing, I can find a solution in time for M.
My two cents. Have a great night & hopefully I'll have my goals up soon.
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
1. Letting go of control and accepting things better. I'm doing this by stepping back and looking at things from other's perspective. By just controlling the way I react, I can effect changes. 2. I'm trying to get better organized. 3. Forgiving myself and letting go of the past. 4. I'm working on taking my walls down and not reacting with anger. If I'm hurt, I will respond calmly and not strike out verbally. Defending myself in this way only hurts others and result in more hurt for me.
I've finished Ch. 5 in DR and today is the day I committed to telling my H what I want. I don't know if he's able to do these fully yet, but he's already doing them half-way.
Other than the transitional pain, things have been getting better! We are spending more time enjoying each other's company. He asked for my help at the business in a small way this week. He hasn't invited me to his bible study or church with him yet, but hopefully that will come soon.
I'm taking the kids bowling tonight.
Baby steps! (Reminds me of 'What About Bob'!)
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
1. Letting go of control and accepting things better. I'm doing this by stepping back and looking at things from other's perspective. By just controlling the way I react, I can effect changes. 2. I'm trying to get better organized. 3. Forgiving myself and letting go of the past. 4. I'm working on taking my walls down and not reacting with anger. If I'm hurt, I will respond calmly and not strike out verbally. Defending myself in this way only hurts others and result in more hurt for me.
So....these are good in concepts as things to work on. But they are very tough to measure. How will you know in a week or a month if you have "let go of control" or "taken your walls down"? I would recommend that you try to think of concrete, measurable targets that you can set for yourself so. That you will KNOW if you've succeeded. Things like: - I will not speak to my H in an elevated tone. - if I get angry, I will take a 10 second pause or walk away until I'm calm. - I will organize xxx room or xxx drawer - I will not bring up events of more than a week ago.
And so on. The more specific and measurable you make them, the easier it is to know if you've succeeded!
Great advice! I guess I'm just keeping a laundry checklist in my head instead of organizing it for a meter. That would probably work better. New side project for the next few days!
Things are progressing well with H lately & I HAVE to somehow add patience to that list! Went out on a date this afternoon after his bible study that he finally invited me to! Everything has been positive in relation to our interactions, so again, taking baby steps!
I've stepped back from sending encouraging texts and just been encouraging when it's warranted or needed in person.
Apparently, the last couple of days I have been doing well at controlling my responses. I might have to turn away & take deep, deep breaths, but I don't say anything without thinking it through. Just have to make those things die-hard habits!
Thanks for the help & have a great weekend!
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
I think I'm going to end this thread & start a new one. I've been thinking it over for the last few days and I really believe I now belong in piecing. M is not near where I'd like it to be, but all has been positive and it's heading there. Just not living together again yet. It will come as long as I make my changes into habits, I'm relatively sure. H is working on M much more than he was when he was desperately trying to "fix" me! But, the kicker is, now he's trying some of the DR ways without even knowing the book! He's mirroring my positive changes! I even got a text this morning saying, "Good morning, my love!" What a 180 that is from a couple of weeks ago!
Thank you, Azzork & EMMess, for your support & advice! I hope God blesses you both immensely!
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
I think you are rushing things. You are still a newcomer and need to stay here in this section b/c it gets more traffic than the Piecing section. I hope you'll reconsider.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi for the input! You could be right & I will reconsider that.
Just seems like my situation doesn't fit the models at all.
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
Thanks Sandi for the input! You could be right & I will reconsider that.
Just seems like my situation doesn't fit the models at all.
Care to elaborate on what you mean by not "fitting the models at all"?? What model did you have mind here? I mean....you are in the same DB pool as other DBers.
And I am affirming Sandi's comment that you'd best hang out here at the Newcomers pool for a while longer. You're nowhere near piecing...nope, not by a long shot. There's much work to do ahead of you.
You're in DB kindergarten. You're learning the basic fundamentals of DBing. One step at a time. I'd suggest that you hang out here in the Newcomers section for AT LEAST 6 months.
Then re-evaluate. Some DBers stay in the Newcomers section for quite while before upping their sticks and moving into the Piecing forum. Some stick around in the Newcomers section for 1 to 2 years.
Wow in 7 days you go from having a violent fight over a cigarrete to piecing your marriage?
Do you just want to push your agenda onto him?
I thought you said he is having a hard time dealing with the fight you had but you dont think his feelings are accurate?
Im reading alot about you in this but not much about him. Imo I think your rushing to fix the marriage without really doing the work to fix yourselves. I feel you will find your self right back here if you dont slow down, think and feel. Also this is about him as well. Give him the time to think and feel.
Can things really be forgotten and forgiven in a weeks time?
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
I am reevaluating things, but to be fair, this hasn't been just over a week's time. The fight happened a month ago. Much has happened since although I realize that a month is not that long in the scheme of things. I do acknowledge that I have been feeling like pushing my agenda a bit and need to work more on that.
I don't feel like my sitch fits most of the molds here because, H wants our M to work as well. This is not some delusion on my part, unless I'm hearing his voice explain how much he loves me & wants our M while he isn't actually saying anything! Last time I checked, I didn't hear voices that weren't there so I think I'm okay there. I'm not looking for a pecking order on this site, I just want to make things better for my M. I don't care who joined 1 day ago or 10 yrs. ago. There has been good advice, then there has been well meant advice by people basing everything on their own sitch. I get that it is easy to do when you're so involved in personal problems, you view everything through your perspective that is obtained from your own sitch. I believe that's why they say to take the advice that you believe makes since for you on here.
I love the encouragement of this site! I need most of the tips I've been offered and have much work to do! (As I will for the rest of my life.)
I don't know how else to respond right now. Not sure why my words have stirred up such a hornet's nest here!
I hope you all have a great day!
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
From observation, the harder people are on newcomers here, the more they need to be listened to. They have a lit more experience than us and generally their advice is good.
I imagine two points set up the warning flag. Firstly the speed of turning things around. Often (not always) if too quick it is not real and hence does not last. You have admitted you still have a lit of work to do. That is good. h does too.
Secondly ye have been separated on and off most of the year. So the issue is not one blow-up.
Whereas the most fundamental part of this is to do what works and you are best placed to judge that, the people here understand R dynamics etc and should be considered seriously.
You can do this.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
The physical blow-up was the result of not resolving all of the emotional and verbal ones which have been building for years.
Things are turning around because I have changed the way I'm handling them. I think this is key. I try to accept H's viewpoint as his reality, while keeping my mind in a more logical one. He has shown more doctrinal differences lately regarding M and our faith. I am relying on God to straighten him out on those. It is painful watching him try to justify what he feels by corrupting our religion, but I have no control over that & refuse to get caught up in it. I only give proof of what I believe when he says he wants to understand.
I feel like I'm at a better place since starting to work on myself. I don't get drug into arguments any longer. I have recently had to walk away once while taking a walk together. (Breathing deeply to stave off a panic attack!) Before, I would have just blurted out what I was thinking and how he's wrong. Even after being confronted with very negative time spent together, I resumed showing him positivity and that 'the floor was not going to drop out from underneath' so to speak.
As far as making the changes last, all I can do is keep working on them. I don't think there is a set goal-line of sorts. I'll never really get to where I want to be, but I have to accept where I'm at and go from there. So far, lack of patience is my greatest challenge! I'm sure there will be more and I will meet them in time.
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
I feel like we had a major breakthrough tonight! My H and I went shopping after our 'The Art of Marriage' study tonight at a local church. He starting on his usual detaching-mode and panicking because it was getting late and he still had a lot of work to do at the shop. I felt all of the old stressors come back; feeling blamed, unloved, unwanted, ect. He sensed that I was upset in the vehicle when we were leaving. He gave me a blanket apology for stressing out and explained what work he had to get done. That's when I felt everything welling up inside of me! I calmly told him exactly how I feel when he does this and how it's felt for years now. Then, how I feel if the kids are involved instead of it just being me affected. I let him know this is a big source of my frustration, feeling unloved, then anger. He completely 'got it' and thanked me for telling him. After we got back, he apologized extensively and voiced his regret.
Wow! I didn't even know I had that trigger to 'acting out' my deep-seated feelings on him. Now that I've learned to voice them instead of reacting, it's a completely positive thing for us! He was unaware that this was happening, and promised to work on it whole-heartedly! What a difference!
I feel like I have the most wonderful H on Earth again! We had a little conflict the other night as well. He could tell I was not as at ease with him and asked me to sit down and talk it out. I did and we became even closer! I had just asked him one time before if he could nicely ask me to sit and talk if something was going on & he actually did it! We were respectful and loving to each other and talked through it very well! (I honestly can't even remember what the problem was now.)
We are now drawing closer that we have been since shortly after we moved in together! This is working, we just have to keep up the work now. I have planned a Retrouvaille weekend this winter, we'll see if he's willing to go.
Still need to work on setting new marriage goals... he agreed to them all the first week. And for personal goals, I have to continue working on the ones I have until perfected. Then, we'll see what else I can do to improve.
H is still living at the shop, but has expressed for over a week, (since our romantic picnic ) that he misses being at home. He wants to make sure it doesn't backfire again, as do I. The kids have been through enough! (And so have we.)
I hope everyone reading this has a blessed week and keep your chin up!
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
) that he misses being at home. He wants to make sure it doesn't backfire again, as do I. The kids have been through enough! (And so have we.)