Flailing

[Azzork]

Good work Lost08. Picking that up and flipping through it can only lead to pain on your side. No point in following that cheerless tunnel!

And yes, it's easy to go off and talk to OW - no kids, no financial worry, no nothing, but a fun drug rush. That's why you just can't compete with an AP...they get to be the fun outlet. Until real life intercedes, there's really nothing you can do but be patient.

We're here and listening, Lost. Keep posting!

[job]

Lost,
You posted a question on my thread over in MLC: "What about the MLC in someone who had an ideal childhood?" Are you absolutely certain that he had the ideal childhood?

Each and every person has a life transition. They can begin when you become a teenager, 20, 30, 40 etc. Many people can navigate these transitions w/o a blip or the radar screen. Then, there are those who have poor coping skills and have difficulty w/them. At mid-life, if the person hasn't been able to cope along the way, a transition will become a crisis.

Parents don't necessarily have to be the ones that created the self doubts, low esteem, abuse, etc. They could have had the ideal childhoods at home, and yet, there could have been someone, i.e., authority figure, in their lives that emotionally stunted the person. Maybe this is pushed so far down into their souls they don't realize it until at mid-life. As they grow up, they felt that the didn't meet their own expectations of where they should be today, didn't get all of those wonderful jobs that they think they should have, maybe they feel like they've been robbed of the best years of their lives, etc. Sometimes people's expectations are too high and when they haven't achieved them by mid-life, they may go off the rails. When they do go off the rails, it's to go back in time and try to do over because they think something is missing that they should have done.

Whether he had an ideal childhood or not, if he's experiencing a MLC, you would do the same hard work as those who had difficult childhoods, i.e., detach, focus on you and your children, watch your bank accounts, credit cards and bills. This is his journey and once it starts, there's nothing you can do to stop it. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.

In my opinion, yes anyone can have a MLC, even when it appears that they had an ideal childhood. Others may not agree w/what I've written, but again it's just my opinion.

[Sotto]

Hi Lost, thanks for your kind post on my sitch. And good work with the phone. After I discovered the EA, before we S, H caught me snooping at his phone and he wasn't pleased. I managed to reduce the snooping right down, and now we have S, his R with AP is out in the open anyway.

Good question about the ideal childhood and MLC. My H certainly doesn't come from a tough background. But he has always described his Dad as emotionally absent. And H was the only boy out of 3 kids. He has always tried to be a very different Dad to SS than his own Dad. So I guess there was some significant hurt caused there. His Mum finds it hard to express her own needs and doesn't like to acknowledge painful situations. She's felt to be poor in a crisis. So, whilst they are a pretty high-achieving and respectable family, there are some issues there. I guess I'm trying to say that it needn't be as tough as neglect or abuse or similar.

It sounds like you are doing well in many areas - particularly as the earliest days are so painful. I would carry on the same track you are on now....good for you xx

[Lost08]

Oh how I need this forum to vent tonight. I am feeling so much despair. Had to attend the wake of my dear co-worker. She was such a beautiful soul, always caring for so many others before even thinking of herself. And gone from our world so young. I believe she's in a better place with our Lord, but at the same time, I find it hard to accept she's not going to walk into work tomorrow.

On top of that, I'm so disgusted with myself - half of the time I was there, I was overcome with sadness and anger and bitterness over my M breakdown. I can't even mourn her death without my own selfish concern about my life taking over!! What the F is wrong with me???

Numerous wonderful co-workers from over the years all came together. And, of course, as is human nature, everyone was catching up, asking about each other's lives. This one is divorced from her husband who had a MLC and moved out with the OW. That one suffered a similar sitch, but would not grant the D, so they're still married but happily living apart while he carries on with the OW. Another one who's H calls her so frequently when she's away from him you would think they only started dating last month. The pastor speaking about God, living a Godly life. It was all too much. There I sat, thinking how did I get to this point in my life? I'm loving a man who doesn't want me. WHY AM I LOVING A MAN WHO DOESN"T WANT ME? Why does this hurt so damn much? Am I wasting my time, my life? Am I supposed to go home and tell H life is too short- Go, be with this woman you are so in love with? And hope that maybe, one day, there will be a man who will want me, warts & all? What is the point of me being here?

I couldn't even be gracious in my vague answers about my life, my H. I had no PMA. I am emotionally exhausted and thoroughly disgusted.

And what did I want the most? For that no-good cheating crappy H of mine to hold me. To just tell me everything's going to be ok and let me cry and be sad.

And when I ended up sobbing outside, because I didn't want H or my kids to see how much I was hurting, he did come out and give me a hug. A nice, platonic hug I couldn't even enjoy. AGAIN, what the F is wrong with me??????????

How I could be ending the day like this after what I thought was such a positive start? I really do think I'm going crazy. And I have another wake tomorrow. I'm not sure I can handle it. Or any of this for that matter.

Feeling hopeless and distraught

[asitis]

Lost, I really am sorry for the loss of someone you clearly respected and loved. It is very natural given the circumstances, that this loss would get blurred together with your personal loss. Please don't view yourself as selfish and unable to mourn your friend. You are going through a lot of mournings, and they are going to get jumbled at times. You will mourn your friend in your own way in your own time. You really will.

You also expressed some disbelief that she won't walk in the door at work tomorrow. Denial is one of the grieving stages, and there are several signs that this is part of what you are going through. One of the ways people deny is to get side-tracked with another strong feeling present in their lives. In this case, your M is a great way to protect yourself from the pain your friend's death presents.

So, just let yourself accept that you are going through a normal mourning process for your friend. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing abnormal. Don't beat yourself up as being a failure at something else (see how you are adding to shame of failing your W w/ this new shame?). You aren't failing. It would be more disturbing if you weren't having trouble disconnecting the two pains in a way. It suggests that there is a tenderness and vulnerability in you that you can connect these two loses and realize that you are getting them all tangled up. That's some very good insight on your part. It is a sign that you are connecting with your emotions in a very conscious way.

Still, the important thing is that your distress suggests you really are feeling a your friend's loss. You want to be able to give your friend a special place in your heart at the moment. That is very touching if you see it from that perspective. Just don't let it be the cause of beating yourself up.

Thank you for sharing this powerful struggle with us. I hope your pain will diminish and continue to soften your heart as it clearly has already done.

[Lost08]

Thank you, thank you, thank you asitis.

I feel so broken, so sad and so alone. It's incredible to me how much it helps to have the support of this forum.

I hope I can process all of this and begin to move forward soon. I don't like being in this pit

I'm supposed to focus on personal growth and be solution-oriented, but these damn emotions keep overwhelming me like those 100 foot waves.

The more I think about this, it's clear my brain is still looking at this whole thing like it's my fault or about me. I'm having trouble remembering His MLC, His A is not about me. It's about him. H is going to make his choices no matter how I feel or what I do. Oh, Azzork! I have to keep going back and reading your wise replies. And each time I do, I'm so sad over the loss of my M. How long am I going to be sad about that? Chit. This morning I feel like a petulant child, stomping my feet and yelling "It's not fair! I don't want to do this!"

Ugh.

Reading about goals. I don't know where to start. I guess mine are still too vague, too large and involve H too much.

I need small ones. WTH could I start with today?

I'm a huge procrastinator. Can I just bury my head in the sand? Please?

Ok. enough of that crap. I think writing about it here helps get it off my chest. I'm going to try and turn this around and focus on PMA.

thx guys

[WhyUs]

Lost08,

I know exactly how you feel. The emotions are so over whelming at times. The loss of our M hurts really bad. But we know the M is gone and we have to start working on ourselves. Easier said than done for sure. I love to come here and get it off my chest as well. It is good to do that.

Go for that PMA today and make yourself happy. Good Luck

[Azzork]

I hope I can process all of this and begin to move forward soon. I don't like being in this pit

Lost - I hear you. Nobody wants to be in this pit. It ISNT fair. And unfortunately, getting out isnt as easy as saying "Im done. Get me out." There are no shortcuts here. We've all basically got a shovel and theres nothing to do but keep digging until we get out. But....step by step, we'll make it.

As for today's goal, make it simple: I want to have one genuine laugh. Or one genuine smile. Or I want to notice one thing that Im grateful for. Or I want to say thank you to one person.

[Cadet]

In my opinion, yes anyone can have a MLC, even when it appears that they had an ideal childhood.

I would go further on the ideal childhood.
If you look at Ericsson's stages of childhood development you will see that each person needs to learn certain things at each stage of their life and development.

To include things live Trust vs Mistrust at age 2, and other types of things.
So it could be that the person never was told I love you or given hugs, or maybe they were not fed properly as a baby.
Their is no way to know when their growth was stunted however IMHO it has happened.
I honestly think that during the crisis you may SEE the child come out and I know that some people can identify the ages of this child.

So to summarize I dont think their is anyways you can know that they had a perfect childhood.

[Lost08]

TY Azzork for breaking it down into something simple and (hopefully) achievable.

I like the shovel image. Makes me feel like I'm in the trenches with some Army buddies and perhaps not so alone.

Gearing up for wake #2. I'm not going to stay too long. Yesterday's took too much out of me. I'm hoping to be able to pay my respects, pray for this family and head home without feeling too much.

Think I'll go for a quick run before getting dressed for it.