Thank you job and Gwen, your support is always appreciated and I wish that I could give you both a hug in person as thanks, but you will have to make do with a virtual one (job) (gwen)
job - thanks for your words. I don't know what to say today in reply; its that deep heavy feeling inside that threatens to bubble up into tears. I know it's ok and right for me to feel this way today, like you said I am dealing with a lot - its contradictions fighting against each other.
My crafting projects - well I'll give anything a go but currently its making cushion covers and I am making cards for some girlfriends, just to say thanks for being in my life. The next project is to get an old cabinet for all my craft stuff and renovate it. I have just upgraded my sewing machine (my old one was my mums which she won in 1966 !!) and a girlfriend and I want to make a pretty summer dress each and hold a garden tea party - having never made a dress before its going to be interesting what we produce lol.
Talking of dresses - my happy day dress is safely wrapped in tissue paper waiting for its day in the sun. One day .......
Thanks Gwen, I cant express how much your friendship means to me.
Well days off over and the working week starts again tomorrow, back to the crazy world of health and beauty - seriously, why do we need so many different types of toothbrushes - and why is the blue one at the back better than the red one at the front ....
its that deep heavy feeling inside that threatens to bubble up into tears.
Lou, you described it perfectly. I still feel like that once in a while too. I just don’t express it much lately. With friends and family, it could bring up an opposite reaction and unwanted “advice”. Here… I sound like a broken record…
It looks like you have a lot of projects in mind! Good for you! As for your H, all you can do is let him figure it out for himself. I’m naturally impatient too. This journey taught me a lot about patience and giving up the desire to control the things that I cannot control.
I hope you have a good week at work and a great time with GAL.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Happy Monday everyone - its my day off, spring is in the air and the sun is shining.
Well, chapter 4 has a twist in the story this week.
So after spending a few days in sad land and feeling very sorry for myself (which got me nowhere), I received a text from h saying hi, how are you doing. The standard opening to most of his latest texts - to be honest I am bored of the same . But wait, there is more:
So long story short, the texts turned by his doing until he said this : (the context is about him moving out and the fact he still is living in the same house as her ...she is more screwy than ever ....and its something he covered with his shrink last week"
h: I do not have any feelings for her. I will be leaving. I will then do whatever I can to have a life with you, if you will have me in yours. I have no expectations regarding you, but thats not the same as not having hope. I find I have to stop making plans for the future so that I dont build my hopes up. All the talk about seeing if we want to work now is for your benefit, I know that I want to be with you, end of story
m: Blimey, now thats a declaration! Is it a real one or another confused statement?
h: its real, not confused
m: I have said that the door is ajar, I can't say I am definately in as I have a lot to let go of as I am sure you will appreciate. Time, actions and you becoming the healthiest you can be will help your cause
h: I am very aware that you have to be ok with what I have done. This will be at your pace, on your terms. If it doesnt feel right then it probably isn't.
At this point texts got a bit flirty and then they finished because he was about to drive.
So um, as you can imagine, life has thrown another curve ball my way. Not sure what I feel about it all, I need to be sensible and keep my head. I know that after the "giddy" has died down the reality will set in and I need to be prepared for the long haul of emotions, feelings and working through all of the damage that was in our m and what he has done/said since he left. Can I and do I want to do this .......
Lou, If it's a real declaration, he will do the hard/necessary work to prove to you that he is sincere. He is the one that has to earn your trust. Leave the door ajar...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Funny how just days ago, you wrote you did not have much to advise as I am "ahead" of you in this whole process. And now this!
One of the things that shocked me and I have lived with my MLCer the whole time is how his declaration to want to work on R seemed to come out of left field. It made me doubt the sincerity. Months later I see that there is so much processing that goes on behind closed doors. Even living with him I can't see so much of what is going on in that MLC mind.
As Job says and as we always hear, it's the actions that show the intent of the MLCer.
You sound so strong!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWhoo - yes I know, it just goes to show that anything can happen doesn't it !
After a couple of days "down time" I know that only actions will put power into his words. So in reality, nothing has changed, just the knowledge of an intent -
Our 24th Anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks time, I wonder if this had anything to do with his declaration. The thought of him spending it with her - even if it really is just as flatmates - really stings. Last year they had temporarily split up so he was alone.
Lou you are my HERO - I want to be like you when I grow up. If only an attitude of gratitude could cure MLC then you be bottling up your Rx and we'd put this forum out of business.
Meanwhile you've learned how to deal with everything in the real world while keeping your heart and your head from imploding. it has been quite a year and the surprises keep on coming...
You seem to have a firm grasp on what you want. I have a feeling if you can stay focused on what YOU want then the pieces will fall into place. Your H sounds earnest and I do believe in happy endings. Perhaps your happily ever after will be as a couple but, make no mistake -- the book of Lou will have a happily ever after. The heroine has everything she needs to create the story she wants to live.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Work is going ok, it's a job, it pays the rent and makes me feel good that I am financially independent and in control of money, but more than anything it's given me worth - the ability to discover my talents and build on them.
S18 - yes, well with all grotty hormonal teenagers there is going to bumps along the way and we are having our fair share s21 said to me the other day "mum, was I really like s18 at his age?" I replied "yep" s21 replied "I am so sorry" funny boy.
Now for h - a few texts back n forth on Friday, very flirty ....I mean really flirty ....but all the while I kept a neutral head (as I am very aware ow thinks they are back together)and just enjoyed the attention ...at one point I did add a little dig of "I don't do sharing, 3s a crowd" and h went silent for a bit but he came back. I also mentioned looking for another job, he replied he thought I was contracted until Feb and I replied no, I did not sign the contract, just verbally agreed to get them through Christmas. H mentioned again he is selling his bike and ute to gain back control of his finances.
He had another session with his shrink and then today he let me know that he finally came clean to ow at the weekend, she is of course very angry and upset and told him to leave the house until she has found somewhere else to live (she cant afford the house on her own) - h has moved in with s21 for a while until he can sort something else out for himself and the dogs.
I did not push for details, they are his to give if he wants, which I don't think he will. Well, I wanted him to be alone for our anniversary and looks like that has happened, I also wanted to see action from him, and he certainly has begun to deliver on that one too.
I know that expectations need to be zero, however he is doing everything I ask of him albeit on his time scale, but he is making the effort - so I should start thinking about what I want and how I want this to go as he has made it clear this is on my terms and at my pace. I know that at some point one of us will have to move - the quandary is: he can't find a job near me that pays the wage he needs and I can't afford to live in the city where he is.
The other thing I am having issues with is her. If he had left and been on his own all this time I think I would have been able to get past everything he has said and done to move on and rebuild. I can almost get past the relationship bit, it was obviously not all that. But it's the physical, the thought of him and her, the questions that I know I should not ask and not really sure I want to know anyway, but the mental image, the thought he may think of what they did together, has he learnt something new he may try out on me ugh - How do I let it go?
As much as I don't want him to let me down again, I also don't want to give him hope if I seriously can't do this.
Lou, I'm glad work is going okay and yes, it does pay the bills and gives you control over the money you make.
I'm sorry our S18 is going through some "hormonal" ups and downs and hopefully he can work thru them and realize that he's got a wonderful family to support him thru thick and think.
About your h, yes, he is doing everything that you have asked of him...but he still needs to do the work on his own w/o you having to tell him. He truly needs to live on his own for a while and not just move from the ow's place to your son's and then hopefully the two of you move back in together. He still has a lot of growing up to do and until he does, those issues will continue to be the elephant in the room.
As some time in the future, you will be able to have that chat w/him about what he's done. Whatever you do, do not allow things to be swept under the carpet. They need to be discussed and faced head on in order to clear the air and begin a new relationship.
It's time that you, Lou, sit down and truly think about what YOU want. If I were in your shoes, I think I'd take this very, very slowly and not go too fast. First, he needs to get a place of his own, live on his own and then second, date him for a while. You do not want him to return half baked and then in a year or so, go out the door again.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
