Sandi, that is great advice and thanks. You should read that book. My wife read it and didn't agree with much of it. That should have been an alarm bell for me. She didn't agree with the dominant role of the father and seemed to take offense to it. The book portrayed the father as the anchor in the family, the strong, consistent, calming force. It was really interesting, especially considering that the author is a woman and a Doctor.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Wife and kids get back in 4 days and the BD will go off then (it was dropped in May). W was visiting her father for a while who emailed me saying that she is definitely done and to have no expectations of reconciliation in any way. Ouch. She is totally done with our M and R and has moved on. Nothing I can do at this point but to focus on my kids and me. This really hurts. The worst part is when she gets back she will be very aggressive in getting things finalized and I'm not comfortable with any of the lawyers I have met thus far. All of them say "your basically going to get screwed", here is your bill.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Well I found out the other day that W has no plans whatsoever for reconciliation and that she is only looking out for herself and her kids (our kids). I have been too hopeful that she would have a change of heart while away on vacation all of August and returning this Sunday. I feel like a fool that I was thinking this would work out and we would get back together at some point. Now I realize it all makes sense with the way she had turned so cold and was being so mean since BD at the end of May.
I am really afraid of what is to come financially now. Where I live she will be entitled to child support, spousal support and special expenses. At the end of the month I will be left with nothing and she will be rolling in the dough. Every lawyer I have met with says the same thing.
Its one thing to lose the love of your life, your best friend, your soul mate; its another to lose your family and sense of being a father and husband; its another to lose your kids; now I have to deal with losing all income. I will be left with nothing, I have lost everything.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Duke - we've all been there. That's why I tried to say that 30 days doesn't really mean much around here. This is a months/years type of process...not something that will resolve in 30 days. Use the time to become the duke you want to be.
As for the finances, I can't give any advice. But fight for you and your kids. Your W sure isn't going to.
I pretty nervous for tomorrow. W gets back with kids and I haven't seen them for 30 days. I have been switching between thinking maybe she will have a change of heart and want to put the separation on hold but then reality sets in and I realize how cold and mean she was before she left. She did a lot of nasty things such as use the kids against me to get me to a mediator quicker. I really think that things are final and there is no turning back. She will want to finalize things as fast as possible. I am sure that she has arranged for her mom to pick everyone up and she hasn't even bothered to tell me when the flight lands. I have asked several times. I had to ask D14 and she wasn't sure. I am going to the airport regardless to see my kids get off the plane. This next week is going to be very tough on me. This last 30 days was just a pause before the storm.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Duke - Wishing you strength today. If you go to the airport, pack a LOT of STFU smoothies.
As for your use of "finalize" and "over"...it is what it is on a legal front. You can't control that, so don't worry to much about it. All that changes if you are DIVORCED is the way you file your taxes.
I'm going to head out in a few hours to buy some flowers for my girls then off to the airport. I'm sure MIL will be there looking at me like she has a turd in her mouth. It will be really tough for me not to say anything to her about her recent comments. I really miss my girls and want to show them that I am the strong, confident dad that I have always been and not the mess of a man I have been since BD. This really came out of the blue and hit me very hard. They don't know what happened to cause the split but they have said "daddy, I don't know what you did but it must have been something really bad for mommy to do this". How do I even begin to counter this? I am sure this has a lot to do with MIL and what W has been saying. Job #1 is to restore and build better than ever my R with D's. I am a great dad, always have been and now want to be better than ever. As for W, I have realized she hit some sort of MLC, pre-meno, depression or something. She use to adore me prior to this and then boom. She was very worried after BD about finances until she met with L. Now she has this air of empowerment and revenge. She is out for blood and wants custody of the kids, she wants to decide when I see them, she expects me to drive them around when its not convenient for her or to events that she doesn't want to go to, she wants full child support (no problem), she wants spousal (alimony) AND special expenses (school, tutor). She will bleed me dry and I wont have enough $$ to live let alone enjoy any time I have with my girls by taking them nice places.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
So I met my family at the airport. MIL was there and didn't even look at me... real nice, after everything I have done for that person. My girls were happy to see me, I had flowers for each of them. They came over for dinner after and stayed for a couple of hours but were very tired so I took them home.
Wife didn't say a word to me other than "put that suitcase in the back seat" . The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. How can anyone go from adoring the father of her three children one week to treating him like garbage the next? Its not human. So incredibly cold and heartless.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
MIL's purpose for being at the airport could have been to give her D support, so she (your W) would not cave to any emotion upon seeing you. Some mothers have extreme influence in their daughter's life. There's no telling how long she may have been working on her. Of course, this is me mind reading.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
