My wife is on a mission to hate me and literally said she did. She thinks when I am with the kids that I am telling them things that make them upset which is not true. My kids want us back together and are hurting.
I am doing my best to 180 and detach. She is hard to understand and is up and down with her actions and reactions, although she is trying like crazy to be strong and is insistent that she and the kids are happier since moving to her Moms. I know the kids are not.
Now, she thinks and says everything is my fault as her friends are telling me she is saying. They don't understand her and her actions, yet know her mom and best friend are misguiding her and giving her a false hope of reality.
By accident I text something to her that was meant for my sister and it said that my wife is more concerned about what her mother feels and thinks than how the boys feel. . She responds to me that she is more concerned on how I treat my boys. I don't get it cause she always said I'm a great dad and father, so I don't know where this is coming from. She is hell bent that I'm evil and bad and blames me for her leaving and that I caused this. I accept my wrongs and failures.
Now she furious and now dictating where and when if I see the kids. I have been advised by many on the board and off to see an attorney. I was hoping not to do it because all our scars and secrets will be in the light, but more importantly I was trying to not go through this to spare the kids more hurt.
I felt backed into a corner and gave her 24 hours yesterday to make a decision on whether she still wants to work it out ourselves because we both can't afford attorney. She may think I am bluffing and won't do it, but I have to follow through otherwise she won't respect me.
She didn't respond yesterday or this morning so far. I am guessing she will wait and see what i do.
I have to do it right? I have to follow through. I am scared that this will push her further away.
Bad thing is my two Sons 9 and 6 start school next week and th e oldest asked me if I was going to be there and I said yes, and he said his mom was shaking her her like no I won't. I never missed any important date for my boys and i don't understand why she is making me out to be a monster.
A friend of hers says that wife's mom and best friend are teller her to jam it to me and make me feel the pain.
Please help cause I am afraid and lost.
Last edited by fdu; 08/11/1501:56 PM. Reason: forgot another important reason
1) you can't hinge everything you DO on everything she SAYS. So she says she hates you....That's what she's feeling right now. That doesn't mean she always has or always will hate you. She blames you for her unhappiness so of course she hates you right now. You say she's going up and down and around - why are you hanging on and doing it with her? As Toots said once, be the rock amidst her crashing waves.
2) you have to stop involving HER friends. All it does is create a strenuous relationship between her and her friends and she will blame YOU for it. She will feel cornered and alone, and that's not what you want, I think.
3) lose the fear of talking to a L. You NEED to protect yourself. SHE KIDNAPPED YOUR CHILDREN. I'm pretty sure she can't forbid you from seeing them. In my opinion there is no problem with taking this step, and frankly, I think you should have done it weeks ago. But, now that you're here, I think you should contact them regardless of her response.
Well ultimatums are not part of DB and it does not surprise me that this one is going to fail.
Personally I would stop worrying about whether she respects you or not, I can already tell you she does not, and no matter what you do it will not make a difference.
You seem to think that pressing a certain button is going to bring you the results that you want.
I would suggest resetting back to zero and start with a beginners mind.
Have you read DB/DR and all the homework? How are you starting to implement these idea?
1) you can't hinge everything you DO on everything she SAYS. So she says she hates you....That's what she's feeling right now. That doesn't mean she always has or always will hate you. She blames you for her unhappiness so of course she hates you right now. You say she's going up and down and around - why are you hanging on and doing it with her? As Toots said once, be the rock amidst her crashing waves.
2) you have to stop involving HER friends. All it does is create a strenuous relationship between her and her friends and she will blame YOU for it. She will feel cornered and alone, and that's not what you want, I think.
3) lose the fear of talking to a L. You NEED to protect yourself. SHE KIDNAPPED YOUR CHILDREN. I'm pretty sure she can't forbid you from seeing them. In my opinion there is no problem with taking this step, and frankly, I think you should have done it weeks ago. But, now that you're here, I think you should contact them regardless of her response.
We've almost all gone through the stage of turning all their hurt into anger directed at us. How they handle it varies. It's much easier for the S to blame all their unhappiness on the LBS than face the much harder reality that they have lots of things to address in their lives. Also, they get into the amplifying echo chamber of friends and family who hear only her anger-filtered side of things and then give well-meaning, but badly-informed advice. This further fuels their anger.
Anger needs to be fueled. She is doing that right now & she is ablaze. Know that she is really suffering & out of control. I know it is hard, but show her some compassion and don't add fuel to her fire by fighting what she says or talking about the R. She is also in no state of mind to make good decisions, so don't force those. You listen & validate with as much calm & empathy for her suffering you can muster. Don't get syrupy or phoney, but if you can bring this to the situation, you are draining off some of that fuel for her fires. It is good for you, for her, and for your kids.
Now, I'm not suggesting that you therefore allow her to do what she is doing with your kids. She can't do this. This is not good for the kids, nor is it legal. So Az is right about consulting a lawyer.
Sorry it is getting so ugly.
Last edited by asitis; 08/11/1502:15 PM.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
