Wife gone deep in the tunnel?

[Wonka]

Irish,

I have a real problem with DBers tossing "narcissist" labels so causally like throwing out Smarties candy at Mardi Gras. Especially when their spouse is in MLC. In fact, in my view, there's a very slim percentage of folks who actually have bona fide NPD.

Forgot to ask

Narcissistic behaviour

She never had this at all.., now it's like its her religion

I've read that this is underlying issue that was there all along and the MLC brings it out in a major way

Usually stays with the MLC'r after they have exited the tunnel and cleared the fog

Has any of your spouses come out and still show signs or narcissistic behaviour

A lot of the times the MLCer will revert back to the age where they experienced trauma/traumatic event and usually act out that particular age. This is where some MLCers become much more sexually adventurous. Others become more fixated on their appearances. It is all indivualistic depending on the MLCer's background and upbringing.

These personality characteristics tend to be much more magnified during MLC. It is a phase that they all need to go through that we call "replay" where they feel the need to exorcise the ghosts of their past. Yeah, it s@cks that they leave a large swath of destruction in their wake thus hurting their LBS and children. Awful collateral damage for sure.

I've never seen a MLCer come out of the tunnel and still exhibit narcissistic tendencies. That alone is a contradiction, if you will.

Hope this helps. You might want to read up on Cali's threads for he is a success story in the making.

[Irish M]

Hi Wonka

Thanks for the info. I see the knowledge here is worth more than any other site I visited

Yes Cali is a huge insperation to me.

Since me and my D's are all NC with W , I want her to go through this without any pressure from me and the D's

W is up to no good, I avoid asking about her, I deleted her from my FB and put away all pictures of her in the house in storage.

I'm 60 days after DM #2 and the 2nd of sept it will be 1 month she has moved out

Standing strong.

[Irish M]

Just drove by my W, she was parked at the bank.
I could see her talking on the phone laughing.
She looked the happiest I've seen her since all this started

Maybe she really didn't like her life with our familly we created out of love

I know I shouldn't expect to see her frustrated and sad through all this.

Seeing that she has no sorrow of what she is putting our D's through

Day 14 no contact to her D's

[CaliGuy]

Hi Wonka


Since me and my D's are all NC with W , I want her to go through this without any pressure from me and the D's

W is up to no good, I avoid asking about her, I deleted her from my FB and put away all pictures of her in the house in storage.

I'm 60 days after DM #2 and the 2nd of sept it will be 1 month she has moved out

Standing strong.

Irish

Be careful when it comes to your D's .... regardless of the pain and hurt she is putting everyone through, the R between your W and your D's is important, they have only one mom, and though she is not at a point she can see clearly right now, one would hope she does reach out to them and is able to reconnect .. .if she comes out of this, this will be important later on .... so what I am saying here is do not plant any 'bad seeds' Stay on your side of the street, keep it clean ... let the R between your W and D's be between them, even nudging it if you can ... its a bond daughters should have with Moms ... you can not control what 'pressure' if any your D's nor anyone else puts on her, only yourself.

Just drove by my W, she was parked at the bank.
I could see her talking on the phone laughing.
She looked the happiest I've seen her since all this started

Maybe she really didn't like her life with our familly we created out of loveMindreading

I know I shouldn't expect to see her frustrated and sad through all this.

Seeing that she has no sorrow of what she is putting our D's through

Day 14 no contact to her D's

She will be all over the place, I recall when I could hear my W down and depressed it actually made me somewhat relieved ... when she was happy .. and I am talking WAY TO HAPPY it really irked me, how someone who was causing so much damage could be oblivious to it all, I compared it to a relative laughing at a funeral ... completely out of place.

She is going to be all over the place, hence why detachment is really important... her moods can not effect your moods .. nor does the stinkin thinkin/ mind-reading get you anywhere you want to go.

At this stage, she will not show sorrow nor remorse .. even later the remorse and sorrow is not to the level one would think .. again, that's them, their circus and their monkeys.

[job]

Please don't judge a book by its cover. Right now, your wife is in the euphoric stage of La La Land. She's giddy and happy because she thinks she's got it made and life is so wonderful...guess what...she's going to find out that life is not all fairy dust and pixies flitting around.

Keep the focus on you and your girls. Continue to GAL and allow the man upstairs to work on her. Life isn't a bed of roses w/o some weeds sprouting up...and they will sprout in time.

[Irish M]

Thanks for he reply Cali and Job


Just to recap the relationship between my D's and their mom during this

Before BD
W and girls are insuperable.
Hugged each otheir daily. Texted constantly
Always wanted to spend time as family
Gave kisses each night and morning
Were like 3 sisters

After BD 1
W left only one day. When she came back she was all lovey dovey with me.
The D's were cut off.
Night after night I would ask W to go talk to them. This went on for 3 weeks
They were hurt with the things W told them. W said that they are fine. They will come see her when they are ready

W told me and them the day of BD1
- Her life in this family was fake . She pretended it all for 10 years
- Wants lips suction to erase what the girls did to her body
- Doesn't want to be a mom or wife any more
- wanted to be happy and she deserves it
- girls will be ok after a week.

W after BD2
- Was angry and irritable at everything they did
- started drinking in front of them and offering them beers. They were 12 and 14 at the time
- told them to shut up and shut the F up
- couldnt spend more than 30 minutes at a time with them
- hasn't communicated to them now for 14 day
- hasn't tried to see them for the last 45 days
- missed both their birthdays
- drove irrationally and nearly got into an accident . Scaring my D's so much. During this time W was Punching the steering wheel and telling them to shut up. Stop crying

Me after BD2
- put my W and girls in touch with a specialist to rebuild communication, wife cancelled it after 2 sessions
-messages W multiple times so she can reach out to the D's

I tried and tried
The last message I sent W was that I tried for over 5 weeks
I'm done . It's up to her to fix her mess

Right now I'm protecting them.
I am many others including W sister told them that their mother is going through something . MLC
They are understanding it, not taking it personal . They know its not their fault

[Vanilla]

Irish
I agree with Wonka, and unless W has a clinical diagnosis then I would not call it. plus NPD is throughout life it would be there from day 1 in your R.

I am very relieved your lovely Ds are with you. more than I can say. Frankly until WW calms down then keep your girls safe from harm, especially if harm is so close at hand. Just keep on hugging them, their mother seems very ill in one way.

I have to say WW behaviour sounds like substance use to me. Drink can trigger this. It's almost organic symptoms.

And the anger was sudden like a switch?

There isn't much manipulation, almost pure rage and anger and it's obvious and overt. I had this with my WH but not all the time like this.

V

[Irish M]

Hi V
Yes I tell them every day I love them and I'm here for them always

My wife never showed anger in this way before BD
Never drank coolers except for 1 at the beach. Or wine a chrismas

I was told that because of their age and the close relationship they had with their mom before all this. W is so regretful and ashamed of what she is doing . She is treating them like she treats me. Can't look into their eyes and is just avoiding them

Since I NC . They are the target or her rage and spew since I am not there .

Sad ....

[Vanilla]

Every day, this is must, even more so.

Please don't concern yourself with WW feelings, just let her have them.

Frankly WW leaving the girls alone is for the best, especially if she is raging and spewing.

It's more than sad, it has the potential to be very damaging.

(((((hugs)))))

V

[Irish M]

Not sure is this post should be moved to MLC section