Midlife Crisis and Emotional Affair

[mleigh4]

Hi Lost. I see a lot of myself in you from what you have posted, same with your H in mine.

First off, many of these situations include an affair, but not all. I believe sometimes they get tempted by one, and that alone sends them spinning with self doubt of their feelings with themself and with the spouse. Just my opinion.

The main thing to do is take the focus off of your husband and put it on you. You sound like a strong person, but this step is really hard to do. Distract yourself with friends, hobbies and doing things you enjoy. It gets easier after time.

When my H moved out 7 months ago, he was practically skipping while moving things out while me and our son sat there. He was ecstatic about it. He seemed very happy at first, but It seemed to wear off about 6 months later and I see signs of the loneliness creeping into his world now. He just wanted space and time alone, no sign of OW in his world. I think the best thing I did was step back, give him that space, and go about my life.

Recently H is nicer, more giving and asks to spend time with me and son here and there. He even asked to go on vacation with us a month ago, a first in 2 years.

My advice, give your H that space to deal with his demons. Don't take it personal, the biggest lesson I learned here is that this journey he is on is not about you. No marriage is perfect, there are always issues. Don't beat yourself up when looking back, take the opportunity now to make changes in yourself that you see need changing. Use this time to work on yourself, it's the only thing you can control in this mess.

Good luck, stay strong, and keep posting.

[LouR]

Hi Lost, I am sorry you find yourself here, but its a club full of very sympathetic and caring members, so welcome.

I dont have much advice for you, just wanted to say you are not alone and to listen to the great advice you will get as it really will get you through this journey you are now on.

My h told me that he did not think our marriage had been right since we had our youngest son 21 yrs ago and he just hung in there hoping it would get better ! Now he tells a different story, in fact does not remember saying it. They will say and do anything that suits them at the time, its all about getting out and living the fantasy that they have built up in their heads - the better life they feel they have and are missing out of. Reality is that once the shine has gone they will look at the destruction they have caused and be completely baffled how they got themselves into this.

You sound like you are a strong and independent person, that is a great start to gaining back control of your own life, as this is what this is about - YOU. I suggest you read all you can on MLC and depression, read threads here and post on them. Ask questions, vent or just tell us about your day, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Look after yourself.

[HaWho]

Hi Lost- I just want to chime in that I heard a similar script at BD. My H said the most incredulous things and then 1 day later did not remember saying any of it! That's what sent me hunting for answers.

At BD he told me he was done with me and demanded I leave him alone/stop coming to talk to him. He moved downstairs. Months later as the fog lifted and he started to come around he told me he knew I didn't care about him because I never came to his room! I reminded him with a truth dart of all he demanded, told him I was honoring his wishes and then he remembered. But there are many, many things--extraordinary things--he does not remember saying at all. What little correspondence I have in writing, I have kept just to reassure myself that I did not imagine this kind of crazy.

You are looking for answers. The best thing you can do is read everything you can on MLC and depression. It will help you tremendously.

I don't have much advice to give you except to take care of yourself. Cadet writes in his introduction that you have been given the gift of time. I didn't get that at all at first. Post frequently and you must focus time on you.

[job]

Here's a link to a thread that I created many years ago that might help you better understand MLC and depression: In Tandem--MLC and Depression

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538981#Post2538981

Depression is the main ingredient of MLC.

[haunted]

I am sorry to see you here. But everyone here is wonderful
And I have been told that he is the happiest he has been since leaving me. Some days I question if he really is having a MLC.
If you need to talk, you can count on me:)

[lost11]

Thanks everyone. It's good to know I am not alone in all of this.

I am keep telling myself this is an opportunity to grow as a person and improve things within myself. Sometimes it is easier to believe than others.

My H is going to a convention this weekend for the store. Before all of this, I was planning to go and was actually looking forward to it. Now I have a sinking feeling they are going to meet up there.

I sometimes wonder if this is a MLC or just an affair. I think he is totally infatuated with his "friend." He doesn't seem to be depressed at all. In fact, he seems happier than ever.

Is it silly to still hope he will come back? I know things can never be the way they were, but I do think they can be so much better. I just wish he could see it.

[LouR]

Hi Lost

I sometimes wonder if this is a MLC or just an affair. I think he is totally infatuated with his "friend." He doesn't seem to be depressed at all. In fact, he seems happier than ever.

SEEMS - remember that word. He may seem to be happier and for a short while he will be as he is on his high, but like any drug the high will soon be followed by a low and then he will look for his next fix. Don't be sucked in by attempting to work out what is going on in his head, it is impossible to know. The only sure thing you have is knowing what you are thinking and feeling.

Is it silly to still hope he will come back? I know things can never be the way they were, but I do think they can be so much better. I just wish he could see it.

Nope it is not silly at all to keep the hope your h will come through this and want to return to you. What would be silly is to stand still and wait for him to do it, there are no guarantees with this process, so now its about making you stronger and moving on with your own life so that if/when he does want to return it will be your decision and on your terms. Sadly I am going to say those horrible words that we all loath but come to understand the reason for them - Time and Patience.

There is no easy fix,, we all wish for the magic wand to be waved in the beginning, but I for one am glad no one did as I have become a changed women, a more independent, strong and outgoing person as a result of this journey - I will never tell my h that though !!

Lost, you are feeling and doing all the right things, its a lot to take in and process. Keep healthy and put yourself 1st.

Keep going ((hugs))

[123Gwen]

Lost I am so sorry you are in this situation but the folks on this board will be your strength when you are overwhelmed and they will have your best interest when it seems like nobody else can possibly understand how you are feeling or what you need.

Please take care of yourself and make your own well being your top priority. This can't be emphasized enough. be kind to yourself and be good to yourself. If your H is in MLC then you will be having to deal with a lot for a long time.

Each situation is unique yet MLC seems to come with a playbook of sorts. It's kind of scary how so many people follow the same script. Hang in there and please remember that you are going to get through this.

[lost11]

I went to a counselor today. It went pretty well, I have some things to work on. My self-esteem has never been great. Given all this, it is pretty bad right now.

One question I have is, does it work for the relationship to have no contact? Except for a week and a half ago, he hasn't contacted me since he moved out. And then it was to tell me he is happy and he isn't in love with me. It seems like any time I contacted him, he either ignored me or he had some excuse not to see me.

I just don't see how we can improve our relationship if we have no contact. But, he doesn't seem to want any contact from me.

[peacetoday]

sometimes having no contact might spur his curiosity;
On the board they say GAL..get a life..do things for you
take up a new interest
make plans with a friend
They sometimes wonder what you are doing

But as I understand it, we have to do it for us
Many years back, when I was trying to get my xh back, the coach told me
to try different things and see if anything I did brought XH closer
some things seem to make the relationship smoother ..but in my situation we never reconciled

some things that seemed to help keep the relationship stay smooth were:

not initiating contact
making plans and doing things for me on my own
not asking questions or how he felt about the relationship
being very validating and supportive of his choices and needs
listening without venting back
being available when he chose to visit the kids or felt like talking
not critizing his decision to leave

you are very new at this
great that you went to counseling
try to take care of yourself

many more things you can do for yourself
make sure you eat, rest ,pray
sleep exercise read meditate

vent on the board
women's support groups are good
it helps to be able to talk it out with there women especially those who have travelled the road and many have

good luck
peace