My husband of almost 4 years told me 2 months ago that he was unhappy and had been for a long time and he was missing pieces. He wanted to separate and he was going to find an apartment closer to his job. He said I was negative and I ruined every experience he has had. He missed adventuring and I was to blame. We agreed to separate for at least 3 months and re-evaluate the situation. He moved out almost a month ago and I have barely heard from him since. Before he left, he said he would see me on Monday's, but he hasn't seen me any of those days. He has been facebook messaging an old girlfriend of his for several years. She lives over 3,000 miles away and he says they are just friends. He saw her in May for the first time in years. I believe he is having an emotional affair with her, but he can't see that is what it is.
He now asked if I was busy on Monday (which I am and I replied as much). He asked when I was free and said he needed to talk to me. I have a feeling he is going to ask for a divorce. He stopped wearing his ring and told his mom that he didn't want to lead me on.
We very rarely fought and had a good marriage. This is all coming as a shock to me and he does not want to do anything to fix the problems. I don't believe he has given this enough time or thought to be able to ask me for a divorce. I want to tell him that he needs to give it more time to think about if this is what he really wants. We did agree to separate at least 3 months. Should I ask him to wait another month and see how he feels then? Or is that just delaying the inevitable? Or pushing him farther away? I want our marriage to work and I think we can come out of this stronger and with a better marriage.
Hi Lost, welcome to the club that no-one wants to join. I'm sorry for your situation, but glad you have found the forum. I notice you decided to post in MLC, can you give us a few details about your H? How old is he and what made you decide to post in this area? Have you read much about MLC at all?
For most men who leave, there is normally a woman somewhere in the wings. As you say, it is likely at least an EA from your description. As for meeting up, when you do - be aware that the more you resist (you haven't given this enough time, we agreed 3 months) the more he is likely to want out. My advice would be to dig deep, listen (really listen) to what he has to say, and if he wants to D, say to him you are sorry he feels the need to take this step but you respect his choice and won't stand in the way if this is what he wants. You can also let him know that D isn't your choice and that you won't enable a D that you don't want.
He then may or may not follow through with that. Your response may surprise him and stop him in his tracks perhaps? Have you read DB or DR? I recommend DR as the more up to date of the two and it also has a chapter on MLC. I have also found the stuff on the Hearts Blessings website useful. Have a read of some of the sitches in this part of the forum too. There are some wise posters here...
Above all, look after you as best you can, focus on not making things worse (by pressuring, begging etc.) and keep your head above water. You are on a rocky path here and things may get worse before they get better.
Take care, Sotto xx
Last edited by Sotto; 08/31/1508:16 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Hi Lost, welcome to MLC forum. Sorry you find yourself here.
Originally Posted By: lost11
My husband of almost 4 years told me 2 months ago that he was unhappy and had been for a long time and he was missing pieces. He wanted to separate and he was going to find an apartment closer to his job. He said I was negative and I ruined every experience he has had. He missed adventuring and I was to blame.
This is very similar to what my H said at BD, except for the apartment thing (he was already working in another state, away from home.)
Sotto is absolutely to the point, that when men leave, they most likely have somebody in the wings, even if it is just a “friend”. I also agree with Sotto that you don’t need to help him in D, if he decides to go that route. My H brought the D subject about 2 ½ years ago. It’s been three years after BD and he still hasn’t filed. I also thought that we had a decent marriage and rarely fought. So, it was a surprise to me too.
I can’t really tell you if you need to ask him for additional time after three months. My H said that he wanted to separate and see what happens. Later, when I asked him if he made any decision about our M, he was surprised and said that he already told me that he didn’t want to be married to me anymore ( I guess they forget what they tell us… MLC mind…) This conversation was after he hooked up with a girl and was making plans to have a relationship with her. I wish I was on this board at that time. I could have handled things differently.
I’m glad you found this site. You will get a lot of great advice here.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
My H is 29, I am 33. I know it is little early for a MLC, but I feel there are some signs that point to it. Him not really having any real reasons to leave. He also has recently become friends with several 24 year olds. We opened a gaming store together almost 2 years ago and I think he is finding out it is more of a responsibility than he originally intended. The gaming store was his childhood dream and I think part of him is scared of failing. Before running the store, he hopped from job to job and pretty much just showed up for a paycheck - he had no real commitment to the job.
The store is over an hour away from our home and in the 6 months or so, he would come home later and later each night. I spent my weekends helping him at the store to spend time with him. His new apartment is in the same town as the store is in.
I have always been the breadwinner in our relationship, supporting him financially, especially since opening the store.
I have read DR and several of the threads on this forum. I have been trying the LRT, but I don't know how well I have been doing at it. I haven't begged him to come back or told him I loved him since the BD. I have pursued him somewhat, but I stopped in the last 2 weeks.
I did agree to meet with him yesterday. He told me he is really happy now and he hasn't been happy for at least 3 years. He also now thinks he never really wanted to marry me. He did not ask for a divorce or anything and what he said seemed to be well-scripted in his head. I asked him why he couldn't wait another month to see if this is really what he wanted. He said he respected me too much to keep leading me on. To which I said, he didn't respect me enough to try to work on our marriage. I asked him once if he wanted to try to work on it and he said he doesn't. He said he loves me, but he is not in love with me and he has no romantic feelings for me whatsoever. He truly believes he is happy being on his own after 4 weeks.
I asked him if he regretted marrying me. He said no because he enjoyed a lot of the experiences we shared. I interrupted him and implied that he wouldn't have the store (the source of his supposed newfound happiness) without me. After that he stormed out without and left without saying goodbye.
He has since defriended me on facebook. The store has a facebook page and he removed me from that. He also changed his status to remove that he is married. I think the last comment I made has really upset him and I think I ruined all chances of getting back together with him.
Has anyone else's spouses left and said they were happier than the have been in a long time after leaving?
I don't believe he is truly happy now. He lived in apartments before, but he always had a roommate. He has never lived on his own before and I think he is enjoying the novelty of it more than being happy. I know he hasn't been unhappy for years. Ever since we started the store, he has seemed happier than ever. I think seeing his "friend" a three months ago is what has changed his feelings for me. He is rewriting the past to make himself feel better for doing this to me.
I do believe he is making the biggest mistake of his life and he will regret it someday. I just keep waiting for the fog to clear on his new infatuation with his "friend." He is still insistent that they are "just friends."
I got a message from my H that he called the bank to see if he could take his name off of my account. Apparently the only way to do so is to close the account. He made a passive aggressive comment about me either trusting him with access or closing the account.
I just replied that I trusted him. I haven't heard anything since - I didn't really expect to.
He admitted to his sister that he could have handled his talk with me better.
Has anyone had their WAS tell them they are happier since leaving?
Yep, they sure do love to say that they are happier after leaving. That's the MLC script talking. Why wouldn't they be happier? Heck, they've got their freedom, no ties to home, and yes, you are the one that is taking care of the home responsibilities, being a full time parent, etc. They don't have to deal w/real life on a daily basis. They are kids that have run away from home w/no responsibilities.
I'm not surprised that he attempted to take his name off the account. Many of them want to cut all ties and his comment about you not trusting him...well, he doesn't trust himself. That comment is called "projection". You may see more of this as he travels the MLC path.
Read all that you can on MLC and depression.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
First of all, I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.
Second....please protect yourself financially. Run a credit report to make sure that he hasn't been running up debts that you don't know about. Go over the books for the business. Make sure he isn't hiding money. See an attorney to learn your financial rights.
He might just be temporarily besotted in an affair. Or he might have always pined after the old girlfriend and now that she's making herself available he believes she's the one he should be with. He may be failing in the business and trying to hide that from you. Or he may simply be an irresponsible Peter Pan who doesn't want to grow up.
It's even possible, given your admission that you have been the breadwinner, that he used you to achieve his dream, and now that he has it, doesn't need you.
I'm sorry if some of these possibilities sound harsh. You deserve someone who adores you and wants to be an equal partner. Sometimes when we love, we ignore big red flags waving in our face.
Were there red flags about him that you ignored? Why do you think you picked such an immature guy?
Up until now, I have been involved in the business - especially in the books. He doesn't really have any credit cards of his own. I spent almost every weekend helping him at the store and working on projects he didn't want to do. There is a strong possibility he will lose the store without me - even his family thinks so. I have transferred most of the money from the checking account already into another account that is just my own.
I am not sure about the red flags. I think I am still looking at the relationship through rose-colored glasses. I have been mostly focusing on what I could have done better. I know I wasn't as emotionally supportive to him as he needed and I know that is something I need to focus on improving with myself. Not just for our relationship, but for future relationships.
My sister never liked him and thought he didn't treat me well enough. She was the only one though an she felt that way because he didn't treat me the way her husband treated her.
I have always been pretty independent and don't need any one to take care of me. My H was able to provide companionship and we had a lot of great experiences together.
"Independent and don't need anyone to take care of me" sometimes translates into "I don't trust that anyone will love me enough to provide the same level of care and support that I give to a partner so I will pretend that I don't need it"
Don't dismiss you're sister's opinion of your spouse. She may be seeing things you don't. My family didn't say anything but they didn't exactly fall in love with my ex when we were dating; I should have paid more attention to that.
And while the BEST part of the DB process is self examination and change.....were you REALLY unsupportive of him, or just tired of not getting your needs met and carrying the weight in this relationship?
