DBing still......WW still (Part 2)

[HurtJef]

I would love to know how Sandi feels about this stuff. Of course I need as much advice as I can get from anyone who wants to share their opinion.

[dwh15]

Sounds to me like you're doing great. I agree on the surgery. Just a quick message wishing her well, or something along those lines. The hypocrisy on dating is ridiculous, but seems to be standard script for a WW. I think you're probably doing the right thing when ignoring the spew if she brings it up. Now, if she politely asks if you've been dating, you could give a courteous reply along the lines suggested earlier. That you're too busy, not ready, working on yourself, etc.

The detachment really is a wonderful thing, and makes life so much more bearable, and even pleasant at times. You and I have similar time lines as far as when our WW left, and I am just now reaching a point of detachment where I can enjoy life again. Still not easy, but tolerable and getting a little better every day. It's sort of ironic that I feel in some ways I am switching emotional spots with my WW. I was totally miserable for the first few months, while she seemed overall happy, relieved with her decision, enjoying life. In fact, that made me feel even worse, seeing how little she seemed to care. But I'm getting to the point I'm questioning if I want her back, and from what little interaction I have and hear about her, she doesn't seem to be in a good place at all. She has regular fights with the OM she lives with, is always stressed about money, and seems to be having more regrets about her choices all the time.

We just have to keep DBing, doing what's best for ourselves and kids, and leave it in God's hands.

[HurtJef]

Thanks for the feedback DWH

Yes I agree with you about the detachment. I am really enjoying my time with my kids as well as my free time with myself and/or my friends. It has gotten to the point of avoidance of my WW as much as I can....not b/c I don't love her anymore but b/c she really tries to bait me into her misery all of the time. She is struggling from what I understand, financially and with our kids.

She has never been alone in her life and now has been drowned in her responsibilities that I always took care of. Last weekend, she even called me to come over her house to "calm down" our d3 who was throwing a tantrum. I didn't go and offered to talk to d3 over the phone. WW got angry and hung up.

In a serious situation I would have been there but WW needs to be a mom and learn how to handle a 3 year olds tantrum on her own.

This is just an example of the many instances of BS she has been trying with me. She has also taken food out of my freezer to her house to feed the kids because she has no money for groceries. Yet she still drinks and gambles apparently. These things have become funny to me and really turn me off to any interaction with her.

[HurtJef]

Anyone else with some advice about how to handle my WWs surgury tomorrow?

[shotgun]

Just curious, how did the surgery go and how did you respond to it? Hope all is well with you.

[HurtJef]

Shotgun,

Thanks for asking. Sorry, the last few days have been a wirlwind and I have backslid into a depression.

Here is the update.

Tuesday my SD15 had a huge tantrum b/c I took away her cellphone for not answering it when I was trying to get ahold of her. She actually got physical with me and I had to go sit in my car in order to get away from her.
Called my WW b/c my sd wanted to leave and go to her moms. Of course WW gave me a hard time b/c I didn't come to her house to calm down d3 on Sunday.
UGH!

Wednesday I got a call from child services that my SD was called down to her guidance counselor b/c someone called and said she was being abused by her father(me). She told them this grand story about me beating her with a frying pan.
My WW called me freaking out, (rightfully so) and I assured her we would get to the bottom of this, and how it wasnt true.

I got home and child services rep was there talking to my WW and daughter. My WW was sticking up for me as we have never hit our kids other than an occasional spanking. The social worker checked sd15 for marks and there wasnt any. Meanwhile my head was spinning. While we were being interviewed, my sd15s phone started vibrating in my WW's pocket. She pulled it out and saw that it was SD15s boyfriend asking what happened and if they took me to jail.
My SD then tried to physically take the phone from my WW, and then took off out the door and ran.

The social worker said that all of this was obviously a ploy by sd15 to try and get me in trouble for some reason. She said that there was not a safety issue or care issue and offered her help to get SD in therapy.

My WW went and found my SD at her boyfriends house and had to get the police involved to get her back b/c BFs mom was hiding SD in her house.

Meanwhile, I am at home sinking into a depression wondering how two people that I love so much could betray me so bad.

[HurtJef]

My sd spent the night at my MILs b/c she refused to come home.

Thursday....WW went in for surgury...I texted and said that I hope all goes well...got a simple thanks back. Then she asked how I was feeling after the whole SD thing. I texted that I didn't want to talk about it. She left it at that. Until later.

WW texted around noon and said that the lump is a tumor. They need to put her under and postponed surgury until next month. Of course this upsets me...for obvious reasons. I called her just to tell her that I will pray and keep me posted. She didnt seem to upset.

Later on Thursday WW calls me. She tells me that she got into SDs phone and read SD and BF messages. Turns out that the abuse claim was all a plan so that SD would have to live at WWs. Reason being, BF has been sneaking over late nights after WW falls asleep and having sex with my SD. They wanted that to be a more common occurrence apparently.

As WW is telling me this, I am sliding into more of a depression. I didn't know what to say. WW started yelling at me to let her in....that she is here to comfort me during this. I felt sick. I told her that I didn't want her comfort and that I would appreciate some space while I deal with this betrayal.

This didnt sit well with her. She told me that I was turning my back on my daughter and leaving this all in her lap. I told her that I wasnt but I wasnt gonna be treated this way by her either. Ww told me to grow the F up and hung up on me.

When I got home....ww was there waiting to talk to me. She tried to hug me and hold my hand multiple times and I pushed her away. She left upset. I told her that I am open to talking about SD but not about my feelings to WW.

Friday I heard nothing all day...texted WW to see if she picked up SD from school. She said that she was at work and SD was taking the bus to my house so sd could watch the younger kids when they got home. I was mad. After all of this she was trusting my sd to be home alone for an hour before my younger kids got home.....without a phone to boot!

I called my MIL and she went over there.

WW picked up the kids without saying a word to me. I went over a friends house to lick my wounds. Around midnight I got an alert that My WW emptied her checking account at the local casino ATM. Apparently she got a babysitter and went out with friends. Ok.

Saturday....WW texts me to pick up the kids at 10am. She is supposed to have them until she goes to work at 6. She said she had things to do. Told her that I was sorry but I wasnt home and would pick them up around 3. I also told her that i would pick them up between 3 and 4 from now on for my Saturdays with them.

She responded with spew, saying that she has been very easy on me and that I should pick them up whenever she asks me to. I reiterated that from now on...3 or 4.
Picked them up at 3. WW sent the kids out and I didnt see her. Haven't heard a peep since.

Had a long talk with SD. She said that she was desperately sorry that she hurt me. I told her that I loved her and that we will work through this but she needs to earn my trust back.

This morning WW showed up to pick up D3 driving OMs car.

I am still very depressed

[HurtJef]

I am so concerned for my children. They are really struggling with the back and forth and OM being around all of the time. My D8 woke up last night and came into bed with me. She told me that she had a nightmare that I was gone and she couldn't find me. My S6 and D3 have been so overwhelmingly emotional and clingy. I feel like I can't comfort them enough. My WW said to me a couple of weeks ago that at least they dont have to hear us fighting anymore. I don't know how much more I can take.....I am trying to be strong for my kids while WW lives like a sorority sister and I feel like I am failing.

[HurtJef]

Journaling.

Yesterday I found out from WW that she is having some issues with her overy and cysts. She only has one b/c she had problems when she was younger and had it removed. She texted me and said she was in extreme pain and was bleeding worse than her period. We have been through this before, many times in fact. Usually once a year we would end up in the ER and they would tell her a cyst burst and give her some pain meds.

This time though.....I am not there to hold her hand. She is trying to get support out of me even to the point of her saying she is getting a hysterectomy.(something that her doctor and I were against). I have been supportive by just telling her that I hope everything is ok.

Yesterday, I got a text outta the blue saying, "I know it doesn't really matter but I was making dinner and heard some of our old songs, brought back some really good memories."

I kinda thought this was temp checking so I didn't respond til this morning. I just validated by saying..." I have good memories too" and left it at that. Not sure if I handles this well but tries to take a step back and look at it as not meaning anything.

[HurtJef]

Feeling down.....ready to give up. Hearing from my children about OM is too much to take.