My PMA went through the roof today when I saw a work friend (female) that I hadn't seen for a couple of months. She knows about my situation, so, I have to take it with a little pinch of salt. She said how good I looked 'so slim, younger without the beard'. That felt really good. She then went on to say, because she hasn't really seen me since the start of the summer, that seem to be in a really good frame of mind and she can really tell the difference. I didn't go fishing as to why, but the fact that somebody has noticed a difference, does make me feel more confident as well.
Got home and W still has a nasty throat infection. I asked her how it was and if she needed any medication. She has virtually lost her voice, but she replied that she had strepsils, but I could tell she didn't really want engage with me, so backed away and drank my STFU smoothie.
So, a day that wasn't too bad. W still hasn't told me about her family coming up at the weekend. Spot of mindreading, but I'm guessing W must have noticed the differences in me, but I have yet to see any real ice break. It's a long road, is this!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I'm happy to read you had a good day. They seem to be few and far between for me. Sorry, I don't want to be a party pooper. I hope your weekend goes well.
Not a party pooper - this isn't the best party in the world.
Little bit of intel about the weekend. Overheard W talking to SD (the seem really close right now) saying that the were coming up for the day and W had moved her appointments to Sunday.
Seems like a really long way to come for a day trip.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
W has broke cover and told me her folks are coming up for the day with associated SIL's and various kids. Says they are going out for the day, however, if it rains, she's going to bring them back (it's August in the UK - of course it's going to rain!).
W asked if I was going out for the day, and I said I wasn't. 'Well, I'm bringing them back if it isn't nice', to which I replied 'OK. I'm waiting in for the shopping anyway'. W didn't boil over with rage, but seemed perplexed that I wasn't going to run away from the situation that was going to be caused by their arrival. I don't see anything packed up etc., so I don't think she's moving out. W started to chew her nails, which is odd, as she has been growing them recently.
So, the big question is, do you think I'm right to stand my ground? I'm not being a jerk about it; haven't stopped them from coming; plan to be pleasant and friendly - I just don't see why I should be pushed out of my house. It could be awkward, but there again, they may actually see that the stuff that W has been telling them isn't true.
Second, supplementary question is, how do we measure success on this path? I think it was Azzork (could be wrong, apologies if not) that said I must be doing things right because W wasn't showing further erratic behaviour and hadn't left yet. I just don't feel it. She can hardly bare to look at me and actually stringing a sentence together to aim at me takes more time than the Atlantic drift. In three weeks it'll be half a year and I'm just feeling a bit jaded and just wondered if their is any kind of reboot that anybody has tried to try and numb the nastiness. That's probably the worst part of things. I have so much to talk to her about (just day to day stuff really; sharing moments in the day etc.) I just don't get any warmth at all.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I'll leave the secondary question alone but on the first question. It's your house. No more needs saying.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Set my goals and have hit them all. Lost weight (three stone) - tick; Spend more time with kids (now spend as much time as I can, used to be tired when I got in and left a lot to wife as she was SAHM) - tick; spend more 'together time' (that is in the same room as everybody else - comment made by W that we didn't spend enough time together) - tick; feel better about myself and confident -tick; people actually telling me I look and seem different (by product, but good to get some feedback from non family members) - tick.
Goal to get W back stuck on zero!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Set my goals and have hit them all. Lost weight (three stone) - tick; Spend more time with kids (now spend as much time as I can, used to be tired when I got in and left a lot to wife as she was SAHM) - tick; spend more 'together time' (that is in the same room as everybody else - comment made by W that we didn't spend enough time together) - tick; feel better about myself and confident -tick; people actually telling me I look and seem different (by product, but good to get some feedback from non family members) - tick.
Goal to get W back stuck on zero!
Ok. Think about it in DB land though.
Your ultimate goal is getting your W back. That's "the hole". You aimed for a spot 5 ft away ^^^^. Great! You hit those. That's PROGRESS.
Now it's time to set a new set of goals. What does the next set of progress milestones look like to you? How can you get there?
Well, the next ones are difficult. I see it as this:
1) Get W to actually talk to me; 2) Get W to work on our R; 3) Get W to see that running away isn't worth the damage to anybody in family.
Now I say W, of course I mean both of us do these things. That's the problem, as I see it. There is no warmth from W - at all. I'd be warmer standing next to an iceberg. I just don't know how to progress if communication is non-existent.
Don't get me wrong, I've tried being a hard arse (well, I din't like that - it's not me); I've tried being nice guy (well, that got me a kick in the teeth) so, I've kind of gone for a full strength STFU smoothie and decided to play the long game. Take yesterday, W has a really bad throat infection. She can hardly talk. I ask her if she's OK and if she needs any medication. I got a withering look, an offhandish 'I've got strepsils' and then the look away from me moment. So, I just back away and shut up. Hardly progress! I'm just wondering if I'd get more response if I put on a posing pouch and run around the living room in front of her (if you're eating a meal, I'm sorry I put that image in your mind!).
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
1) Get W to actually talk to me; 2) Get W to work on our R; 3) Get W to see that running away isn't worth the damage to anybody in family.
Thankfully, I dont know what a posing pouch is....or I very well may never come back into this thread.
As for the things above, I think you need to start smaller. If your definition of "progress" is that your wife will want to work on your R, OF COURSE youre going to be frustrated, because that goal practically IS the hole. So let's start smaller. For instance, my wife used my name in the introduction of an email today. Thats a tiny baby step....but I noticed it.
So, for you, here are some things I think you might look for: 1) your wife starts a conversation with you about something other than kids or finances 2) your wife laughs in your presence about something you said/did 3) Your wife says something positive about you 4) Your wife prepares food for you 5) your wife watches a TV show with you
Im sure theres many others...but I think this is the level that youre looking for right now, yes? Think about this: if you knew that your wife was going to want to reconcile with you, what are the first things you would think that she would be doing? Let's list those up so that you can judge progress.
