The unsuitable & unavailable may actually be part of the draw. And, I'm not saying you weren't demonstrative and that she went to OM because of that. She knew you found her attractive, but that was because you loved her. OM found her attractive wo/ already having that bond. That was the new affirmation. The conquest of still being able to reel someone in that isn't already attached. It also had that he has a thing for me despite it being inappropriate. If he isn't really available for a long term thing right now, that can get read as I'm such a desirable woman that he can't help himself despite the inappropriateness and availability. See the draw there? There is nothing you could have done to avoid that. Nothing. This is about her needs and desires, about her unresolved issues and insecurities.
Sure, the M had problems (which you know) and you still may have ended up in the S & facing a D. But the A part is all her.
Hang in there.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I have no idea why she would choose someone who is so unsuitable and unavailable for her AP. It just does not make any sense to me. Maybe that is why I am so hung up on it. All of a sudden she wants to be with someone who who is my polar opposite, and has not left her family.
No, none of us can really get down to the "why him/why her" issue. Typically they "Affair Down" ... by that is they choose someone who is much different than us, not on the same level as we are ... is this to feel better about themselves, because the OP really knows they have someone out of their leauge so they go into full 'worship' mode?, maybe its just so they can control the situation and feel some sense of power where they have little to none inside the hurricane they are in .. I am not sure.
My W chose ... an OM her Father would absolutely flip if he ever knew. He is a physical trainer, all about himself his looks and how he appears to others ... lives with his parents ... yes because evidently OMW tossed him out because the 6-7th OW finally was the last straw.
Its easy to get hung up there, I read over some of my old posts and I wanted to 2x4 the teeth out of myself.
Truth is ... they selcect someone lesser than us, not that it made me feel any better at the time, I realize there are areas OM 'won' ... but he is not close to the man I am and that's just fine by me.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
It's like she just snapped and said I don't want this anymore. Who cares about the consequences, it's over and I am in love with AP. You can either submit to this open marriage or if not I choose her and here's how it's going to be. Of course I balked and out the door she went. She claims she will never be happy again and this is not what she wanted.
Thats MLC crazy talkin right there, she has to bottom out Heavy, you have to allow her to do so as you have been doing .. in the mean time do your thing, become the better you ... stay on your path and keep out of her way ... she is in crisis and out of control and ya just do not want to get any of that on ya
The truth of it Caliguy, she is together, and moving forward with her plans and life. It's just her life without me.
I just have to accept it, and intellectually I do that she is fine without me, can function, has a great career, jets off with her AP, and laughs and is doing fine.
Me? I'm the LBS with the IC, the shrink, the support group, the GAL activities that I force myself to do, theone who struggles to fill up my days, the one who struggles daily. Not her.
So, I don't agree with the "She's in crisis mode". I'm the one in crisis mode and that is what really scares me. it's not her, but me. That is the really scary part. I always joked that W picked up misfits and weirdo's to rescue and then it occured to me, that's how she saw me.
On my thread I was just talking about how my WW chose a scuzbag loser. I was totally confused by this and irritated. Vanilla then reminded me that it is better that she choose this OM because it is less likely to work out.
There she goes instilling that PMA in me. Looking for the good side of the crap pile.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
The truth of it Caliguy, she is together, and moving forward with her plans and life. It's just her life without me.
I just have to accept it, and intellectually I do that she is fine without me, can function, has a great career, jets off with her AP, and laughs and is doing fine.
Me? I'm the LBS with the IC, the shrink, the support group, the GAL activities that I force myself to do, theone who struggles to fill up my days, the one who struggles daily. Not her.
So, I don't agree with the "She's in crisis mode". I'm the one in crisis mode and that is what really scares me. it's not her, but me. That is the really scary part. I always joked that W picked up misfits and weirdo's to rescue and then it occured to me, that's how she saw me.
Now which category do I fit into?
That there .. ^^^ ... is called Stinkin Thinkin.. cut yourself some slack.
You said yourself she Looks a mess ... the crisis is affecting her physically, and who knows deep down what she is going through.
Yes you have support groups and IC, why? Because you are doing the right thing and working on yourself while she is running away from the issues that put her into this mess to begin with.
Heavy you struggle to fill your days because like so many of us you gave them unselfishly to your W and family .. no crime in that, now you feel like a baby giraffe on those long new legs that were just handed to you... give yourself a break here, you were in a LONG relationship and have forgotten what its like to be solo ... your W, well .. she took all those emotional feelings, the good ones, and simply transferred them to someone else and she is trying to make OW wear those just as you did ... problem is they will never fit .. over time OW will feel uncomfortable in them, realize she can not fill YOUR shoes and at some point that A will implode. My W's A took 2 years from start to end to implode ... but as much as she swore they were soul mates and made for each other ... poof .. gone .. 24 months from "I'm leaving my wife.... how's your marriage" to "Never contact me again" for soul mates they didn't last long.
Still here on the Boards, I don't see you as much.
Heavy
Aye, still in the classroom.
Past few days been crazy busy as I have been dealing with a bomb that a subordinate dropped in my lap that has consequences for my team. Not a fun experience at all.
Plus juggling my schedule to care for my 87-year old grandmother and stepmother.
You are in great hands with Cali.
Note to Asitis....Heavy is a gay woman whose wife is involved with OW, not OM.
Thank W. So busy, I just plum forgot. Sorry H, it's been a long week.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I'd add to Cali's point: W doesn't need shrink, IC, support group, etc., as she is filling the void w/ the A addiction. When an addict is getting their fix regularly, they can seem to be fine on the surface. It takes its toll in time. It is just postponing the crisis, but I think Cali is right on this. Some addicts can hold up for a long time, though. Keith Richards is still managing to not totally self-destruct somehow. And, they have to recognize and admit they are in crisis and seek help. Not all do.
The analogy has limits, as some people can string together failed R after failed R without ever catching on that the problem isn't the R.
So, don't see this as you are the mess and she is not just because you are seeking all the help to address your recognized problems. You are going through was is very normal, and you are standing up and handling it like a healthy adult. You are struggling, sure. But that you are taking responsibility for your struggling is what a very healthy person does when they recognize that they have issues and that life has thrown them one h*ll of a curve ball.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Omg that's so how I feel, HeavyD. H is not alone and longing to connect with me. He is happy and moving on. I'm the lonely abandoned one going to counseling, using every bit of will power not to call him on the phone, crying myself to sleep, losing a marriage I don't want to lose. This is my crisis and I am HURTING and it [censored] …
M: 48 H: 44 M: 2 / T: 7 My kids: S22, S18, S17, D12 H no kids of his own BD: 7/12/2015 / moved out same day Piecing 9/6/2015 Moved back in 10/2015
