Let's All Be Like Coffee

[V2pt0]

Really tough couple of days and feeling more like a mushy carrot than that glorious cup of coffee. I feel like I have regressed back the weeks right after BD. Sadness, incredible heartache, no appetite and no sleep. I guess the finality that comes with filing for D is causing a second wave of grief. Of course there are also brief moments where I question whether it was the right step to take. Maybe I am being the coward now by giving up too soon on my H and M. I am just trying to be gentle on myself and allow myself some time to be sad and know that for right now that is ok.

I think I said this before, but I think in many ways DB can keep us from grieving enough earlier on since we are working so hard on ourselves, GAL, and still having hope for a new R with our spouse. Now that hope is so so faint that it is virtually invisible. It is not helped by the fact that there is no emotion coming from H. We are one step closer to D and he shows nothing. Maybe he grieved a long time ago before BD or maybe it is numbed by his A or whatever else he is doing. Whatever it is, it feels like a kick in the gut.

Just can't seem to stop the tears at the moment.

[Elly4]

BT, it is perfectly fine to be sad. This is terrible what we are going through. It's not fair, painful, and difficult. But even though you feel like the carrot, you are really still the bean. Your H doesn't have the courage to face his emotions and problems. You on the other hand are working so hard to be the best you, and have enough bravery to continue on this journey even in grief.

Bravo! I cyber salute you.

E

[Azzork]

Just chiming in to support you BT! I'm not really sure the right words to say. But I understand the pain you are experiencing. And you aren't alone.

Sometimes it's ok to be weak. To spend a day or two crying into a bowl of ice cream. Nobody is going to judge you for that. The decision you made was so tough that Id be surprised if it WERENT hitting you hard this week.

Take your time to recover. And come back stronger.

[V2pt0]

Your H doesn't have the courage to face his emotions and problems.

E

Thanks, E. I guess I am just having lots of self doubt and I question my part in all of this and start believing my H's words that maybe we are here because I am the broken one. I know it is not true, but it is easy for those self esteem issues to rear their ugly heads when you are feeling down.

[Zues126]

Really tough couple of days and feeling more like a mushy carrot than that glorious cup of coffee. I feel like I have regressed back the weeks right after BD. Sadness, incredible heartache, no appetite and no sleep. I guess the finality that comes with filing for D is causing a second wave of grief. Of course there are also brief moments where I question whether it was the right step to take. Maybe I am being the coward now by giving up too soon on my H and M. I am just trying to be gentle on myself and allow myself some time to be sad and know that for right now that is ok.

I think I said this before, but I think in many ways DB can keep us from grieving enough earlier on since we are working so hard on ourselves, GAL, and still having hope for a new R with our spouse. Now that hope is so so faint that it is virtually invisible. It is not helped by the fact that there is no emotion coming from H. We are one step closer to D and he shows nothing. Maybe he grieved a long time ago before BD or maybe it is numbed by his A or whatever else he is doing. Whatever it is, it feels like a kick in the gut.

Just can't seem to stop the tears at the moment.

BT, I agree that denial is a danger of trying to 'stand by your M'. I am all about this principle, and DBing. And maybe denial is such a natural part of the grieving process there's no avoiding it, and these forums just give that denial a form to take. But I do think letting go and moving forward is so important.

You didn't make any decisions. Filing D? After he BD's you, betrays you, then when confronted looks you in the eye and tells you he's not going to end his A or even keep her out of your very own bed? No, the decision to protect yourself isn't a decision. This is self defense all the way.

There is absolutely nothing noble in being mistreated, abused, betrayed, and destroyed repeatedly. It's "nice guy" syndrome to think that if we just put up with enough pain then somehow God will reward us with what we want, a restored M. That's not how it works. There's no payoff for being stupid. Just years and years of more pain, more betrayals, and more of the same. I am so glad you aren't going to put up with that, because it's not ok, the vast majority of the time the cheating spouse won't change, and if they do it will be BECAUSE you won't put up with it.

I did read on another post about the article, about how men's #1 need is to be admired/accepted/approved of by their wife. That for me is completely true. And understanding and wanting to fulfill my desires physically was tied to that for me. That was neglected in my R, to the point where my M was teetering on the edge. I am really proud of you for still reading about this, learning about this, reflecting, even in the midst of your own struggles. I see how you are talking and think that you will be a much better partner, more validating, and more nurturing.

But A's and BD's are never ok in my book, and completely disproportionate to whatever problems you two had together. So I applaud your 'decision' (which was the only option) and feel you should continue to move forward without remorse. You can feel loss. You can feel pain. You can feel denial (hope), and anger. But you darn sure shouldn't feel responsibility at this point.

[Elly4]

Well stated as usual, Zues!

[asitis]

Your H doesn't have the courage to face his emotions and problems.

E

Thanks, E. I guess I am just having lots of self doubt and I question my part in all of this and start believing my H's words that maybe we are here because I am the broken one. I know it is not true, but it is easy for those self esteem issues to rear their ugly heads when you are feeling down.

No. No. No. No!

You own up for your part. That's healthy and realistic. But it is almost never one persons. Your H is undermining your self-esteem to prop his up.

We are all sometimes the carrot. You are not going through something the rest of us avoid. It will pass, and you are doing as well as any of us at the stage you are.

Hang in there and believe in yourself. You are making progress on you. Don't let your H set the agenda. You focus on you. Let your H focus on himself. Maybe then he will eventually come around to face his own issues.

[V2pt0]

Feeling much better the past couple of days due to exercise and GAL. Yesterday I spent the day going for a long morning walk, going to the local farmer's market, shopping, and lunch. You really find out who your friends are when times are tough like this, but you also realize how quick people are to be pro-divorce. They only mean well and they just want to see your pain end and want you to be happy. I feel like this might be the only solution my H has been hearing from the beginning. I believe the OW comes from a divorced family and a mother type figure he also works with is a divorcee. She took my H under her wings as soon as he started his new job. At one point early on H said that he talked to people who said that D is not so bad. So sad.

While I feel filing was the only viable next step, I am by no means content about the decision and I still have lots of unresolved feelings. My H has no remorse for A and felt it was ok to keep disrespecting me by bringing her into my home. I am not sure what else I could have done. That being said, I 100% believe it is unnecessary in our case. If only both of us were willing to put in the hard work. Another M unnecessarily on the road to becoming part of the D stats. There has been no word from my H in response to my L's emails. My L asked if I have heard from him and I said no. I do wonder if some panic is setting in. As I said, I don't really think my H thought about this in detail. We are trying to set the initial status hearing. Looks like the the best viable date is the day before our wedding anniversary. There is a small part of me that still hopes that my H will wake up and realizes what a mistake this is. I am not expecting it though.

For the vets, what is the best course of action with my H as far as interactions at this point? Going dark, LRT, dim??

[V2pt0]

One other topic I wanted to touch on was DB and dealing with an active A. Before I filed, I did send message to OW to tell her I hope she is happy for contributing to the distruction of an M and that she has no business being in her position. I felt it important that she knows that I know who she is. I am assuming my H had shared our conversations, but not certain. Just trying to help it out of the fantasy stage by shining some light on it and adding some pressure.

I do have to say that I think one area of DB approaches that I am not entirely convinced of is how to deal with an active A. I think that Starsky's approach of snooping to confirm and then tough love by exposing it and doing everything to make it die out ASAP might be the better approach versus trying to wait it out and friend your spouse back. I think the longer the A goes on, the harder R will be. More importantly, there are considerations of the affects of one's self-esteem and mental health by just living with it. Just my observation from trying to do the later. Hard to know for sure, but I think there needs to be more discussion around the various approaches.

[lonelee]

Me too photoka but it is from the granmother story that she had posted here.

Bt13 im sorry you are feeling alone right now and that your friends are not as helpful as you need them to be but that is why you are here. Lean on us and get the kind of support and information that can aid you through this journey.

Maybe your H is digesting the news and may do some serious thinking about the ramifications. Keep thinking positively that it might have a positive affect vs a negative one.

Hugs to you.