Photoka's latest thread

[asitis]

Just a guess, but he is probably nervous with you, and is trying to avoid or cover that by turning away from you. Some people (men are more prone to this, even as babies) have difficulty w/ emotionally intense situations, and turn away to look at something else. As adults, we can do this by trying to distract w/ other people on something we feel is safe.

When overstimulated in this way, people generally collapse into a small little space of their head. Very difficult to truly engage people (& therefore pick up on signals) when you are like that.

MLC & depression are likely connected, but may be symptoms of trying to shut out difficult intense emotions rather than causes. Again this is just a hunch.

If I'm right, ease into conversations and tone down eye contact. Sitting across from him at dinner, a lot of women naturally want to connect via prolonged eye-contact. Again, men seem to have more difficulty w/ this (there are studies of this difference between baby boys & girls). It just overloads some men. Add the stress of a difficult R, and... So, next time, experiment a bit to see if this is part of the dynamic (try eye contact vs. little eye contact & see if this impacts his behavior). If that seems to be something, then you have a clue that he just needs to be eased into the connection with you by you breaking eye contact more frequently at the beginning.

He's already at his emotional limit being one-on-one with you, and things that many woman just naturally have little difficulty with (emotionally initiating connection with another) just overloads a man who is already being overstimulated emotionally. This will make you laugh, but the phenomenon has been likened to men having an emotional clitoris. Think about how having someone rush in feels. Now imagine if it's already a little sore from previous frequent stimulation.

And if nothing else, you'll have fun now picturing this when you are out to dinner with him next.

[lonelee]

Oh asitis... you made me chuckle now thats what ill be thinking of next time im gazing into H eyes haha. On a serious note do you have a background in psychology or human behavior because you seem very educated with your responses here and it is very enlightening. Thank you.

[asitis]

I'm currently in a mental health counseling grad program, but I've been an academic for a long time, and race & gender issues have been one of my areas of interest. As my M collapsed, I turned my attention to that literature for self-interested reasons. I'm no expert on the subject, and it is one thing to be aware of the literature, and another thing to apply it to your own sitch, or someone else's.

I feel less comfortable w/ the M literature, because a lot of what I've read is from people w/ clinical backgrounds but aimed at a lay audience, and they generally don't cite their sources so you can check to see whether they are over drawing the claims of the research.

[gonegrl]

Hmmm, and I just thought he was a loser, but I guess that's the kind of thinking that contributed to my M mess, so its good to consider other, kinder, theories.

When I came home from church a few minutes he met me outside the house and gave me a big hug. And it felt like a real hug. I think he is starting to "try". I am happy but trying to have no expectations.

[asitis]

He may have just been a loser P ... He may have. Never discount the simple explanation.

[Vanilla]

As, I think if we see ourselves as losers then we cease to act positively in our lives. Even if our SOs are encouraging our own world view is a big obstacle.

It may be damaging to our self worth if others define us as 'losers' and treat us that way.

Every human is worthy simply because they are themselves. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and seeing others as unique and special is a great strength.

Our world view is best when we are positive.

Photoska, choose to project love and strength to others. Chanel the best you have.

V

[gonegrl]

Thanks As and Vanilla. I am projecting strength and love. Sometimes the strength part is an act, but more often I am actually feeling it as time goes on. The love has always been there.

[gonegrl]

You know what I miss the most since BD? Myself. I feel like my brain and my entire life has been hijacked by thoughts of H, by DB'ing, by "is he going to stay or go", by my pain, even by GAL which is for me and fun, but it is still something I am actively doing as a result of BD. I miss just being, without thinking about what I am doing, or why, or what I will do next. Even if I do today the very thing I would have done pre-BD, it takes on a different meaning, as in "I am reading this book, that is a GAL activity, or I am meeting a friend, that is a good 180". I miss just peacefully being me. I am exhausted.

And I can't even write up this post about myself, without the need to add that I just really want him back.

[gonegrl]

High anxiety day. I am having thoughts such as "I should give him an ultimatum" "I'm not a consolation prize", etc. Then I realized that I didn't sleep last night. And for me, lack of sleep= high anxiety. I am taking my kids to the pool for a couple of hours and doing what I can to get a good night's sleep tonight.

[PigPen]

Hey Photoka,

I notice a HUGE difference on the days when I sleep and when I don't. A good night sleep is paramount for having the strength to face the day. Black out curtains, melatonin, and even over the counter sleep meds will help. Anything to get you sleeping.

Cadet is a fan of saying "doing nothing is doing something" or something like that. I agree completely. Just sit on all of this until you're in a stronger spot. Then you can decide what to do, until then it's just time to sit on things and let more of your situation unfold.

I hear you though, my whole life was DB, how does XZY look on social media etc. Then you get to a point in detachment where you just don't give a (censored) any more. Truly. You still want your M, but you don't care what's happening until then. You just start living for yourself.

Stay strong,

PP