Wife gone deep in the tunnel?

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[Irish M]

Hi thanks for the feedback, means so much

The hair color and style changes are not a normal thing for me W
She usually changes it every year or so.

It's been 20 days we haven't seen the W
11 days since she last texted them.

She did reach out to me last Saturday. I chose not to reply. Wasn't anything that needed to be replied to

Me I am ,,GAL. Also keeping my D's busy . Getting them ready for the start of school next week. Will do them good being with friends .

Hoping the NC and my W vanishing act .. She will do what she needs to do in the tunnel.

She does have an OM. So again she is flowing the path I read about

I did speak to a specialist about life transformation. They don't seem to call it. Crisis unless it is like mine. Life transition they say when someone decides to go back to school , change jobs, new hobbies.

But in my case she is manic. So it's a crisis.
I saw this list of crisis symptoms.nmr W hit 34 of the 37

So she is on her distructive path alone.

I'm standing . I truly feel this is the Desease. If she gets pregnant or a STD, then I'll have to draw the line.

Also if she is in this crisis More than a year. I won't be available.

I'm glad she is out of the house . No longer the need to walk on eggshells


I did see her about 10 days ago. She brought back some of my D2 clothes.

I was told not to open the door. She would leave it there and I want to come out until she had left.i did look through a window. She didn't see me...

She looked stressed and in pain. Her face wasn't recognizable due to lack er eyes were dark and distant. She had the same hit feeling la

[Irish M]

Con't
Sorry for the typos

That dark look in her eyes, hatred towards me, the house and anything to do with W life before BD

How could she not remember the good.... There was so much love given to her.

[Cadet]

How could she not remember the good.... There was so much love given to her.

Because right now she is in so much pain that she can't do anything other than think of herself.

Fight or flight mechanism is in place.

You did not break her and you can not fix her.

This is not about YOU or the marriage it is all about her.

I hope this makes sense.

[job]

Irish,
Your wife is in so much emotional pain and the only thing she wants to do is run. She doesn't understand that what she's suffering from is not something you and/or your relationship caused, but in her mind, it is. You can't rationalize w/her right now.

As for the way you described her eyes, they are "shark eyes and/or dead eyes". That is also an indicator of depression/crisis. The eyes are the window to the soul and right now, her soul is dead, she is numb. Again, part of the journey.

Please try to remember, you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix and/or control her. This is her journey to take and it's not about you or the relationship. She has to go back in time where she was emotionally stunted and face those issues in order to grow up. Will it happen in a few months or years? No one knows...but I would definitely buckle up for a rough ride.

Here's a link that might help:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484259#Post2484259

[gonegrl]

Irish, my H had those same eyes. He actually looked like a different person for a few months, a friend of mine didn't even recognize him, another friend who met him during this stage told me that she left my house after meeting him and was already praying for him by the time she got to her car in my driveway because she had never seen anyone looking so "unpresent." For my H, he is slowly returning to normal but it is a very slow process and sometimes I am not sure if he is actually getting any better or is just burned out and going through the motions. But for a few months there he was really crazy.

[cat04]

Irish,

If you truly believe this is mlc, i wouldnt put any timeline on it. It will last as long as it does. Your goal. ..should be to outlast it.

[Irish M]

Hi Job and Cadet..
I know it's not about me.. Or my girls.
She left the life we had and she is in full replay.

I know there is not many success stories about W/H waking up out of the fog and trying to reconnect with what they lost

Many LBS moved on, won't take them back or the MLC's have such regret they accept what they did and move on.

I am preparing my documents, taking notes on her connection with my D's
Her neglect and lack of empathy, her rage against them because I don't play into my W game.

My D's however are teens, changing themselfs through puberty. They are getting my W wrath.

This has caused W to totally disconnect with them.

I've told them if she does try to communicate, not to question, comment or look at her in a way they are judging her.

This way my W anger will be put on the OM or her mother.

Is this the case...?
Does my W anger have to come out and it can be directed away from us using NC?


* Photoka
Sorry you are here with me. But also glad you are because we need all of us here for support. I wish it was under different circumstances
Glad your H eyes are turning back to normal.


I am in the process of filing for custody. Safety issues for my D's
With this I have to file for divorce. Here in Canada you have to be separated 1 fil year before divorce is official

[Wonka]

Hiya, Irish.

I am sorry that you're experiencing such an upheaval in your marriage and life. You've come to the right place. Keep coming back here for support. You might want to consider moving over to the MLC forum so you can get support of like-minded folks whose spouses are deep in MLC. There's one success story whose poster's name is CaliGiuy and they'are now in the piecing stage.

Cadet,

Can you please post the usual links related to MLC as it is more applicable to Irish's situation?

Thanks much! mwah

[CaliGuy]

Irish

Just read up on your sitch ... sorry you are here.

I will say as I read what you listed I sat here shaking my head mentally checking off boxes ... That sudden change into something she has not been, yeah I do agree with the others it really does sound like MLC. As you asked .. MLC is often confused with Pi-Polar, my MIL/SIL both diagnosed with BP, but I am pretty convinced it was MLC, and the MIL like yours... appears to still be stuck.

As far as your 'deal breakers' ... Early on I too was convinced PA would be one, ... it was'nt, my W even contracted a STD, it is not easy for anyone near to witness or for her to go through. As far as the 'year' timeline you put on ... again .. MLC has no timeline if they do infact come out of it.

This will be the hardest thing you will ever do, regardless if you stand for your M or not.

Follow the advice of the vets, its golden .. protect yourself, your finances, your kids ... MIL was right about letting her go ... detach and just observe from a distance is all you can really do, she must go on this journey and no one can help her.