Onwards and upwards

[rd500]

Hi Beqgley. I'm late to your sitch but it's seems like you doing everthing right Your last few posts are about you and your feelings. No misreading other than very superfiscal and your asking questions that we all do. M

It's a very hard road but once you apprecaite that you can't get off until the end then it's somehow makes it a small bit easier Concentrating on you is key. Your kids will have W in their life forever and no doubt in some future she will have bridges to build with them.

I'm sure you've read rhe lighthouse story and with everything that's going on I often feel it's the best thing for all of us to do. Be the lighthouse and let W see it from afar. as the fog clears the lighthouse is getting brighter and showing the way That's all that's in your power

Take care. Rd

[Avanti]

Thank you rd.

Doing the right things is hard but I am convinced that it's the right path to follow.

My most recent post was about feelings for my kids and I believe I am their lighthouse, which is the most important thing to me. Everything else will be what it will be and wil be as a result of the beacon I am and will continue to improve thus ensuring it enriches everyone's lives that are around me in close proximity and distant.

[Avanti]

Is getting everything correct the right thing to do? Isn't good enough better as otherwise you can seem so on the ball that you are actually less attractive as you are seen as too emotionally stable? Being perceived as approachable is important, on a higher plane may well created problems rather than solve issues.

Am having a deeply philosophical evening, can you tell? 😀

[Azzork]

Its not about being right or wrong.
It's about having goals and moving towards them.

I don't know why you would want to do otherwise.

[Avanti]

That makes sense Azzork the point (badly made by me) was a little deeper than that, A very poor analogy is, it's a bit like cleaning your car. Do it yourself in an hour or two and it looks good and shiny and perfectly acceptable and you are proud of your efforts. There are guys who spend all weekend just cleaning one wheel and they end up with a car that's proper clean and looks almost new.

The one that you cleaned yourself is acceptable to most and they will approve and feel comfortable talking with you. The guys that have every thing pin sharp are doing things right but they some how build a shell around them that makes them approachable to only other detail focussed individuals i.e. they limit their contact through being too perfect...

[Avanti]

In a recent conversation my W said that a couple of things I'd done with the finances were "aggressive", mainly because I didn't ask her permission or inform her before taking action first. Was this simply an attempt to get things under control by applying guilt, or do I need to get smarter and be more open about what I'm going to do?

[rd500]

Hi Beagley. I get what you are saying re being too perfect or too in control might make WAS believe you don't need them or you are better off without them. I'm not sure but maybe being the lighthouse is what it's all about If you are always there and are constant with your actions then you e done all you can.

Just my thoughts.

Take care. Rd

[Avanti]

One of the others keys is patience, a well constructed lighthouse weathers the storms and continues to serve for a long time.

As a result of DB'ing I am a reformed "relationship Mr FixIt" and I think that old mindset is trying to kick back into life and it's what I am experiencing.

It's no time to be complacent but also not a time to be rash. Being consistently and persistently patient, that's it for now. Looking out for those signs of improvement no matter how small and relishing the challenge will help me stay the course.

[asitis]

If you are still connected financially, then discussing and asking her opinion are prudent, unless there is a very good reason for not doing these things. First, you don't want to inflame the conflict when you are trying to get things to calm down between you. Second, it is a way to show that you respect her opinion and judgment that you bring her the ideas and ask what she thinks and give that some thought. Even if you decide that you need to move forward with your idea, if you can demonstrate that you really did think on what she said and that you just decided that you really need it it without implying that you thought she was wrong, you are showing her something she may be feeling she didn't get from you in the past and is sensitive to (part of her reaction?).

It is hard to say from what you said if there is something else (like trying to gain control) going on.

[asitis]

One of the others keys is patience, a well constructed lighthouse weathers the storms and continues to serve for a long time.

As a result of DB'ing I am a reformed "relationship Mr FixIt" and I think that old mindset is trying to kick back into life and it's what I am experiencing.

It's no time to be complacent but also not a time to be rash. Being consistently and persistently patient, that's it for now. Looking out for those signs of improvement no matter how small and relishing the challenge will help me stay the course.

I'm definitely guilty of that problem in the past and needed to reform myself.

Good job on the patience. Funny thing is that I still find depths to which I was showing little signs of pursuit or impatience or pressure every time I thought I had made progress. One of the changes most recently is not being so focused on looking for signs in my W of change. That was a kind of impatience & pressure that was very subtly being projected & picked up on by my W. It's not that I won't notice signs of change, but the dynamic is much more W having to get my attention rather than my attention already being focused on her. I'll notice patterns still, but am not waiting to pounce on a few little examples. As I know there is still focus on my, that lack of attention is more likely to provoke a new dynamic that where W is sort of look at me - notice me - I'm worth looking at - Don't you still desire me - I still want you to desire me. Maybe it won't work that way, but that too will be a sign of where things are or are headed.

So patience has been a learning process about just what patience really is. And, that's not meant to be a dismissal of what you've done, as you're making some really good progress and you seem to be in a noticeably better place than you were not that long ago. It is more that I continue to be struck by how the growth process continues to unfold. Keep up the great work you are doing on yourself!