One step forward, two steps back.....

[asitis]

Big realization tonight: I am NOT desperate. I love him, he doesn't love me, it is sad, but I AM NOT DESPERATE. I'm just not. Not ready to give up because I don't think we have worked on things long enough, and I think there is hope, but I can see that day may come and I don't feel desperate about it.

I also realized that he is here by choice. I have been feeling like I am "keeping him here" and clinging to him, but there is nothing preventing him from packing up and getting his own apartment, or moving in with OW (apparently they are over????) but he is still here, upstairs snoring in my bed right now and stinking like cigarettes.

So. Whatever. We will see what happens. Detachment is amazing.

You aren't keeping him there, but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be there. He may be there because he has not been able to push himself to do what he wants because it is painful to him (even if he is repressing it). Don't want to pour cold water, but that is a possibility that it is better to face. Hopefully it is not the case, but ...

I would modify that he doesn't think or seem to love you right now. That is not the same as him not loving you.

And, yes we often continue to love our WAS even while we really dislike their behavior and don't like the person they are right now. It is hard to separate those two things out, but it is good that you are. Just like him, you may lose that loving feeling for him in time, but that won't mean you really stop loving him, just that you don't feel that actively. That is also normal and healthy given the circumstances of a forced break in the R. Like all Rs, the feelings come and go, rise and fall. They can be broken w/ time or other aspects of oneself can get in the way, but it is good to remember that the feelings are submerged to protect against hurt and threat rather than disappearing. It would be nice if our WASs would understand that (and don't try to tell them, it will backfire), but that is also part of the process: patience until you hope they either see for themselves or become open to listening and really considering that kind of information.

[asitis]

On your when do I get to be angry question, you get to whenever you want, it just isn't productive or all that useful to your own process to nail your S with that right now.

I'd advise against the beating pillows or punching bags/targets. That is fueling the anger, not dealing with it. Anger is useful in the moment to tell you something is wrong, but practicing anger doesn't decrease it, help you deal effectively with it, but instead increases it over the initial feeling. It may temporarily relieve the symptom, but the underlying emotions are still there unaddressed.

Better to let yourself just feel your anger. Examine how it actually feels physically and emotionally. Just sit (or stand, or lie down, or walk) with it, looking at it with curiosity. It is like having a guest visiting. You may have mixed feelings about the guest, but they are demanding your attention. Give the guest your attention and they will get what they need and go away placated. Learn what your anger feels like. Give it that attention. Then explore what other feelings & beliefs are underneath that anger.

Usually, there are feelings of fear or sadness or hurt. There are often core beliefs about the way the world or someone else should be. These beliefs are being violated by the reality of life. Life should be fair. I should be important to the people I feel are important to me. He/she should want to work on the R right away if there are problems. This shouldn't be happening to me. What are yours?

When you see how anger is making you actually feel (really study it rather than just generally saying I feel angry, but what does that feel like), when you see what other emotions are either connected with it or underneath it, and when you see what belief(s) you have about the world or other people that is being violated, the anger loses some of its power over you.

You still don't let people mistreat you. But you are able to see more clearly your role in the process, as well as what you can do to either change the dynamic or taking care of yourself.

If nothing else, the biochemical mess anger triggers is just not good for your healthy or happiness.

My 2 cents.

[Dawn70]

Hi Photoka!Just wanted to pop in after you visited my thread. It is eerie how similar our situations are in some ways. I had many of the same thoughts and feelings that you have at first, but I have learned that coming here and getting advice and interacting is super helpful.

I'm obviously in a totally different stage than you are, but trust me when I tell you that it does get easier. I have been where you are and felt the hurt and the anger and to some degree, helplessness, but I found my way again and you will too.

Hang in there and let the vets' advice sink in. There are some amazing folks here who really want to help.

[mutatio]

photoka, "I am NOT desperate", I feel the same way. There are still plenty of emotions but nothing like before.

asitis, wow what good advice. The anger post was top shelf. You could teach my meditation class.

Hang in there photoka, you are on the right path, all you need to add is time and patience.

[gonegrl]

Asitis, you are right that maybe he hasn't been able to push himself to leave. But the longer this goes on, the more I am developing a new theory. Actually, my sister told me this and I think she is right. He is not going anywhere. He is going to sulk and blame me for everything and be content in playing the "victim". He actually seems content in a weird way. The more I DB the calmer and more content he seems. Because there are no emotional demands on him whatsoever.

I think we are at the point where I will know soon.

[gonegrl]

Thank you Dawn, thank you Mutatio. You are both right, patience and time, its a journey. A long sucky journey. So glad to be at this point though, emotions are getting easier day by day, but still throw me for a loop more than I'd like.

Thank you for all the advice and supportive words. You are helping me.

[asitis]

You're obviously in the middle of it, so you likely have a better sense. You also are becoming an emotionally stable anchor for him to attach to (in a good sense). That and some time & therapy may help him get to the point where he can do the scary inward reflection and growth that he is clearly in need of.

That said, it also may take the threat of losing that stable anchor to move him off center and get things rolling. Obviously no decisions necessary at this time, just something to think about.

You've really been doing a great job and while we all struggle in ways, I like where you are at emotionally right now. It is a very good place for your own growth and self-care.

Keep up the great work.

[Painter]

Photoka, I've been reading this thread and just wanted to say that I can relate to so many of your feelings and experiences. It's very validating to see that someone else struggles with the same questions, and I wish I had answers for us both.

I hope you find happiness regardless of what happens!

[asitis]

I love your sig Painter!

[gonegrl]

Yes, Asitis, I am in the middle of it, but sometimes that means more perspective and sometimes that means less. I know sometimes I learn more about my sitch by reading other people's posts.