Well ... I did not find this forum untill about 10 months AFTER BD. When it happened I did not do alot of the 'mistakes' ... but I did do a few and broke a few of the '37'. I never begged or pleaded when she left in Nov, I did pursue ... but in Jan when OM was revealed I was so hurt and betrayed I thought I was done honestly, alot of pain and back and forth for 6-7 months till I laned here.
Keep in mind, Sandis 37, while golden ... its more about your approach and attitude. For me some of the 37 were no brainers .. others felt like chopping off an arm. Then it clicked, they are not things to win her back, in fact its more about winning yourself back ... might not make much sense now but hopefully for you it soon will.
The mean/anger stuff lasted as long as I fed into it, lasted as long as I tolerated it. It stopped when I put up a boundary on it ... check out Wonkas Boundary post. When you follow the 37, detach, you start regainging yourself, like I said .. you gain self worth and self respect. It becomes WHO you are. You would not let someone come into your house with muddy shoes disrespecting your place right? When my W started with the anger and spew, at first I weathered it, thinking I deserved it .... then I realized .. wait a minute, not only do I not deserve this 'again' but I am not going to stand out here and take it, I would leave, ask her to leave, hang up ... after telling her I would not be treated disrespectfully any longer .... this is after I owned my faults and errors in the M.
Again .. all this ^^^ about you .. not her. She will still be pissed and spew, you decide how much you want on you.
I do plan on setting some boundaries for how she treats me. I have always had the belief that it is good to let people vent when they want to. You get to hear everything they had pent up, everything that has been bothering them and that they think is wrong with R. Hearing it once is enough however. It did help me piece together everything that she thought was/is wrong. The actual R side is minimal, this is mostly house and finance related.
Question - what do you think the chances are she comes back from this 30 day vacay a little cooler given we have had zero contact? She couldn't go 2 days without communication while we were married.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Duke, Caliguy is giving you excellent advice. It is almost impossible to grade your stitch by another DBer's length of time on any given subject. Every WW is angry, but every WW is not angry for the same period of time.
You have just started and it takes a good while to start digesting all the information you are receiving.....plus more to come. I can't speak as a LBS, only what I have observed in newcomers who are desperately trying to find direction and answers. What "I" may think is vitally important to remember, may slide right off the LBS b/c they are so emotional and have so much they're trying to grasp.
Don't beat yourself up for not doing what you are reading now, b/c you didn't know. I believe everyone does what they think worked in the past or what their spouse use to say they wanted. So, when they come here and see the advice is usually opposite of what they were doing.....it blows them out of the water. The reason none of those things worked for you is b/c she has changed, therefore the dynamics of the R has changed. Most of the advice you'll receive will help you turn the dynamics around. Think about it.
There have been many, many men who have experienced what you are facing. One of the very best advisers I had, never R with their spouse (the last I heard). What am I saying? We learn from our mistakes. We can warn others to not do what we did.
It is not too late. You have to believe in yourself, and not what your W says about you. You know if you are doing your best, if you are a good daddy, if you own your mistakes, etc. Base your decisions on what you know is the right thing to do as a man and as a parent. Just don't get confused about it and become her slave by babysitting, being her Mr. Handyman, mechanic, etc. Know where to draw the line by using good judgement on these things. So many guys are too afraid to say "no" to their W. Stay balanced on these issues.
I do suggest that you run things by the board (if you have time) before jumping off into something that could make things more complicated or difficult for you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Allowing her to vent is one thing ... standing there while she dishes out blame and abuse is another.
Again ... thats all on her right? She could come back happy, angry, with a Mike Tyson Tattoo on her face ... none of that matters, what would be better is if YOU focus for that 30 days as a chance to rediscover yourself.
My wife too could not go hours without contact ... then enter OM and all those feelings and shared moments transferred to him, just like moving money from one account to another. NOTHING I could do about it really, but the withdrawls were tough for ME... something I had to deal with. Might be something for you to think about and brace for ... resist the urge to contact her, live YOUR life .. look at it as a vacation from all this mess and you can recharge your life-battery.
Thanks Sandi and Cali, great but tough advice. Its such a major role change to go from doing everything for your family including your wife and kids to figuring out what to do whether it is for me and my kids or if it is for my wife in some way. Very strange but I think I am starting to understand. Basically the kids first, then me. I will be nice and polite to my wife but never again let her browbeat me. If she wants me to do something mainly for her I will say that is what your husband used to do, the one you fired.
I have to maintain and grow my self respect. If and when she respects me again I may be attractive to her but certainly not when she doesn't respect me.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
1) I am going to the airport to meet them whether my W and MIL want me there and think I am "butting in" or not.
Why? Sounds like you are inviting yourself over for dinner to me.
Originally Posted By: duke
2) I will bring flowers for each of my 3 daughters and nothing for W or MIL.
Bad move ... this sees nothing more than a slap in the face to your W, again looking for a reaction from her, what does this show? You can give your daughters flowers, but I think this can be done away from your W without her knowing ... its like you are trying to punish her here.
Originally Posted By: duke
3) I will dress really nice, casual for my girls.
Dress for yourself, but adding 'for the girls' really feels like you mean 'for W to notice, but I will say for the girls just to prove I am detached'
Originally Posted By: duke
4) I will be polite and cordial to W and MIL but no hugs, kisses, just a "Hi" and a smile.
This part should be your approach at all times.
Originally Posted By: duke
5) I will tell the girls to contact me when they get settled to arrange a time to see my new place and spend some time together.
Again, good, and I would save those flowers to be given at this moment.
Stop planning things that would get a reaction from your W, ... you will get a reaction but this will not be in the direction that will help you. Stop playing the short game, think big picture here.
Damn your good... probably why your in Retrouvaille. I'm still going to the airport. I haven't seen my girls in a month and they will be looking for me when they get off the plane. I keep asking myself "self, what if it was just your wife involved"? The answer in this was is - no, I would not go if just my wife was getting off the plane but I would absolutely go if my daughters were. I put them in front of her everytime now. I would like to have something for them when they first see me so maybe a nice bunch of flowers in one bunch for all of them?
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
I read a great book when my first daughter was born and again after each daughter that followed, its called "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" by Dr. Meg Meeker. The overall message is be the man that you would want your daughters to marry. Treat your wife like you would like a man to treat your daughters. Be what you would want them to expect from a man. I was fired by my wife and it had nothing to do with anything I just wrote. I will continue to be the man that I would want them to marry one day. I can only pray they don't treat their husbands the way my wife treated me.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
That's not a bad way to look in the mirror, its an angle I have not thought of as I have a son ... but I did want to appear to be a role model in my sons eyes, I did worry about how I was perceived with my W having an A, and the appearance that I might look weak by standing for the marriage vs looking strong.
As far as the airport I completely get why you would go, trying to put myself in that spot I do not see myself meeting W and S, I would simply wait till I could go get S and spend the time with him then as the airport meeting would be awkward at best, your W will be tired from the trip and I just see this as poking the bear when its not needed.
Again .. your choice. Just PMA and remember why you are there ... the girls ....and thats it.
