got here late

[duke]

Jon Bon Jovi re-booked cancelled Vancouver show because 'integrity matters'

“Integrity matters. If you give your word to somebody I think you should do the very best you can to follow through on that word,” he said when asked why he felt it was important that he perform.

I should have married Jon Bon Jovi.

[duke]

T-7 days and counting until the bomb that was dropped goes off. Went for a good long road ride again tonight. I think a friend is coming over or I will try to finish Divorce Remedy. I skyped with my girls earlier for about 30 mins. WAW always leaves the building when we do, still.

[CaliGuy]

Duke .. taking your Question from tdk's thread over here to yours

Cali, just curious, what would you have done in my situation?

I am guessing its the trampoline sitch:

We have a nice big trampoline at our old house that was 15' x 18', huge. A 2 or 3 person job to move it. Could not fit in a full size pick up for sure, you have to take it apart which is an 8 hour job. I asked W if we should sell it or move it. Ok, Did you ask her to sell it or movement to get a reaction from her? Be Honest here ... was the thing affecting your life one way or the other?
At first she said sell it then changed her mind and didn't tell me, I almost sold it and checked with her at the last minute. Of course she freaked out and said she had arranged to move it to her new rental house, again without telling me. Seems the communication thing is eating at you ... but sniffs of control if you get what I mean The person that she arranged to move it is a good mutual friend but very unreliable. When I found out I left him texts and messages to help him. He forgot about it completely and I ended up having to do it by myself.So you jumped in, took over and rescued here, she had it arranged, HER circus here and she got a different monkey to move the thing, but you came in Magilla-Gorilla and took over the monkey role ... how did this help your situation? It did'nt, what it did do was build up frustration and resentment on your part right? The entire time W and kids were in Europe. Here is the situation: if I sold it, I lose in her eyes and the kids I'm a bad guy. If I left it alone and it never got moved I'm a bad guy and would have to pay the landlord to move it, I lose. If I left it for friend to move, I'm lazy and careless, I lose. If I move it myself I'm a martyr, suck up, panderer, again, I lose. SO what could I have don't different? By the way, wife will not even mention it and she will probably tell the kids not to as well. What could I have done in this situation? Best as I see it, make sure it gets done, do it myself, for my family and keep my mouth shut. At the end of the day I am there for my kids.

Ok you just laid it out there as a lose/lose/lose/lose.

Thing is you asked W what you should do with it ... she said one thing, thought about it decided to take care of it herself .. AT that point, its not your problem. This is a PERFECT time to let your W try on those BGP she chose to wear. IF ... and only IF she asks for your help then you can decide to help her or not ... in this case you jumped in thinking you had to take care of it for her. Doing this is fine if its a "I took care of the trampoline because it was not going to get done and would have costed ME financial" At that point you protect YOURSELF and that's that ... dust your hands off, issue solved and move on ... but your post has that vibe like you did her a favor and you are standing at the door waiting for a tip like a bell-hop which pisses you off that you have been demoted to this role.

To answer your question, What I would have done .. and what I did do ... when W and I split, I took my things, put them in a storage container, moved all my stuff, the other items she chose to take, all her ... she hired a moving crew and off it went, the stuff they left behind, was left behind ... months later I was asked about the outdoor dinning set ... she took the chairs but left the table and umbrella, not my problem as I told her, what good would a set without chairs do me? (The landlord did bill for removal of several things, all of which were items she 'claimed' .... not my problem.

That being said .. I miss that table and umbrella, was pricey and we could use it now ...lol.

[duke]

Ok, Did you ask her to sell it or movement to get a reaction from her? Be Honest here ... was the thing affecting your life one way or the other? No, I was not trying to get a reaction, I wanted to know what I had to do with the trampoline. She waffled a couple of times then I decided to take care of it myself so that my kids would be happy.

Seems the communication thing is eating at you ... but sniffs of control if you get what I mean Yes, she doesn't tell me anything and then blames me either way. A complete no win.

So you jumped in, took over and rescued here, she had it arranged, HER circus here and she got a different monkey to move the thing, but you came in Magilla-Gorilla and took over the monkey role ... how did this help your situation? It did'nt, what it did do was build up frustration and resentment on your part right? - Was more worried about it sitting at old rental property and being charged to move it and having the kids upset because they lost their trampoline. Wife would have blamed that on me to them and I would be the bad guy. If it was another item that affected her only and no one else I wouldn't have done anything.

I get what you are saying but in this case I was more concerned about getting it off the property and making sure my kids had something they really use and cherish.

[CaliGuy]

Duke

Ok... this DB stuff is truly more about the self work that begins to happen. Reading your post ... just this last one... and it might seem nit-picky just as I recall early in my sitch being called out on such things but they are at the core of things you really meed to look at .. the deep rooted stuff.

That "no-win" ... "lose lose" mindset. You are keeping score. Don't ... its not constructive and only keeps you stuck. Its like building blocks of bitter on top of bitter if you get what I am saying. I think AJ said you can come out of all this in 2 different ways ... Bitter or Better. Better my friend is alot more work I assure you ... its much easier to be pissed off and bitter but it really lands you with a bad life looking forward.

The other "Wife would have blamed that on me to them and I would be the bad guy" .... her thoughts, feelings, are all hers. She feels what she feels, will do what she will do, is going to say what she is going to say. Are you a bad guy? If my wife says I am a purple gorilla it does not make me one .... nor am I going to rush and figure out how to change her perception of me, I know who I am and when I look in the mirror I do not see a purple gorilla, I like the guy who is looking back at me. Was a time I did'nt, and like you .. was a time I would actually see a purple gorilla and want so badly to change it .... but that was impossible because in reality .. I never have been a purple gorilla, that was her perception, one I was a fool to believe.

Find yourself out of all this duke.

I have told a few to do this ... its helpful. Sit down, write out 3 columns 1-20. #1 is things you like about yourself. #2 Things you do not like about yourself. #3 Things you admire in other people that you feel you lack or are not strong in. Put that list somewhere where you can see it in the morning, WORK on that list by focusing on one thing in #2 and replace it with something from #3 .... all the while reading everything in #1 and reminding yourself of who you are with the vision of who you want to be .... This is how I created Cali 2.0, the better man who walked out of the ashes from all this.

[CaliGuy]

From the other thread ...

For example if my WAW asked me to watch our little one so she could go out on a date I would tell her to go ____ herself. If on a night I didn't have the kids but my wife asked me to drive my daughter to a basketball game because she was busy with another daughter. If I say no my daughter doesn't go and everyone thinks I'm a bad dad. If I say yes is that bad DB-ing?

This right here. You are simply saying what you will and will not do are conditional on what your W is doing. That was the point I was trying to make in tdks issue, The wound is fresh and stings I get that ... and like I said there has to be a point you ask yourself ... is this for the kids .. or the W. If the W asks you to watch the kids and is so bold to say its so her and OM can go out, a simple "Sorry I have made plans" without emotion (That's the tricky part) would do.
Now W calls and asks for help as she has her hands full with 2 kids who have a schedule conflict (this happens), and you ARE available ... then its up to you in all honestly, personally there was no event S had that I missed regardless of W's day or mine, that was just me being involved as I always have been.

Its only "Bad DBing" if you are saying 'yes' or 'no' with expectations attached, to get a reaction good/bad from your W .... if you are just being a solid dad/man ... not an issue at all, but like I mentioned there is a line of cake eating even when kids are involved so pick your battles here.

Her choices have consequences but should not dictate you nor your actions, you control those not her. Be a man of strength

[duke]

I hear you Cali. Its so damn tough right now. I miss her so much and my family. Part of me wants to tread lightly in the hopes of this getting fixed, another part says it wont get fixed and to look out for myself. Lawyers have me confused, I don't know which one to go with. My wife is being downright cold and mean which is a total 180 from the last 16 years of love and caring. I hate this. I was a good guy, a good dad and husband. She can take me for a large chunk of my income as well where I live and I could barely see my kids if this goes against me.

[CaliGuy]

I hear you Cali. Its so damn tough right now. I miss her so much and my family. Part of me wants to tread lightly in the hopes of this getting fixed, another part says it wont get fixed and to look out for myself. Lawyers have me confused, I don't know which one to go with. My wife is being downright cold and mean which is a total 180 from the last 16 years of love and caring. I hate this. I was a good guy, a good dad and husband. She can take me for a large chunk of my income as well where I live and I could barely see my kids if this goes against me.

Oh I totally get where you are and its not a good place. Being a 'good guy' is usually something we all strive for, bad side of this .. when you are good to the extent you are more driven to please others ahead of yourself, those closet to you end up losing respect for you ... call it the "Princess Effect" ... I did everything for my W, thinking.... ok if I do this she will love me, if I power wash the patio, she will reward me with love, If I do that .. she will love me. I did things to get a reaction from my W, this over time lead to me pursuing, doing things without rewards, becoming frustrated and in time losing myself, losing my sense of self worth, self respect ... and when you lost self respect, its impossible for your W to respect you ... hard for a woman to be attracted to a man she no longer respects. Putting her up on the pedestal and worshiping her as the princess, over time she felt/believed she deserved better, even better than all the things I was doing FOR her ... not for me or my family.

Her being cold and mean ... yup .. mine was the same, its her wall to ensure this all happens, to make sure you can not 'trick' her back into the marriage. Stay the course ... again .. her feelings and actions are hers, nothing you can do but turn that energy towards yourself.

[duke]

How long did you pursue for after BD? Did you break all the 37 rules like I did, multiple times? I pursued and tried to be the perfect husband for 2 full months, I begged, pleaded, wrote letters, bought gifts, you name it. She did admit that all the work I was doing around the house was not much different from the last year.

[duke]

Also, how long did that mean and hateful treatment from your wife last? She is treating me like I cheated on her with her best friend for the last 5 years and beat the kids when I came home from gambling away all our money while on a drunken month long binge in Thailand.