Today was a good day..took kids to amusement park..and then....BOOM..dropped them off..on way home phone rings..darn it's the missus..we've not spoken in a month.. (just texted logistical and financial kiddie stuff)....I hesitate..gonna be bad news...
I suck it up and answer. ...."you left my kid on a bench in an amusement"..." errr I an understand why you're upset but I could see him the whole time and he didn't want to go on the rude but D10 did..and she didn't want to do it alone...sniffles on the line he's 8...click..
Thought to myself ...oh shoot..there goes my visitation rights with CPS looking on..probably have to be plexiglassed. .
That lasted all of 2 secs...meh...whatever...20mins later texts come flying through... Grabbed a beer...sat down....mulled and wrote back.: "W. I can understand why you would be upset..in retrospect it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do..I didn't see it as a big deal at the time. I'm sorry."
5mins later I get :Please protect them! They are my entire world!
No reponse from me...
Good night Vienna..finished beer..going to reread DB ...need to focus on my detachment..
I suck it up and answer. ...."you left my kid on a bench in an amusement"..." errr I an understand why you're upset but I could see him the whole time and he didn't want to go on the rude but D10 did..and she didn't want to do it alone...sniffles on the line he's 8...click..
Originally Posted By: SPD72
"W. I can understand why you would be upset..in retrospect it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do..I didn't see it as a big deal at the time. I'm sorry."
If the first part is true, why are you sorry? Do you think you were wrong?
I am so quick to say "I'm sorry" too, but I realized that if W and I disagree, I don't need to be sorry if I think I'm correct. Just because she's upset with my choice doesn't mean I need to be sorry for it.
Ahhh..master azzork..you are so tough.... The truth of the matter he was being a little $hit all day....didn't want to ride....came in the line got about halfway in....changed his mind...so yeah I told it was unfair to do that...walked him to a bench (still in visual contact)..walked back to my D10 ...waved at him before got on ride..while on ride and when got off. .
IM waiting on the blowout for the 30 yards (all totally visible)walked to get a hot dog when my D10 was in line for another ride...I could see them both.. Honestly I don't want to deal...
Without regards to W's opinion, if you were in the same situation again, what would you do?
In my mind, I think the main concern is while you were on the ride. Maybe next time you would have him walk to where you'd get off the ride instead of on a bench in the middle of the park? I'm not sure. But I don't see anything wrong with having him sit on a bench while you waited in line.
Her feelings are hers. And they are valid. So you can and should validate. But that doesn't mean you have to AGREE with them. Or be sorry you don't agree.
Ok..understood... And the bench wasn't in the middle of the park..sorry was just recounting her hyperbole . it WAS smack in front of the ride..right by the exit..which was on an elevated platform..so i could see him..practically the entire time...in the cold morning light I realize it was just something she wanted to *highlight*...
Journaling: Sunday GALed (one L or two)..went out last night and laughed the hardest I have had in perhaps a decade... Started reading Divorce Busting...finished DR...will reread more once finished DB.
Woke up this morning with a clarity I haven't felt for maybe 18/19 years..back when I thought everything was possible.. Or maybe I'm hallucinating as its starting to make sense..my stumbling blocks are ego pride and impatience...
I am realizing this is no longer about my W. I've been laid low..forces to confront myself, forced to look inwards and be honest with myself and the type of human being I want to be...someone will recognize in me the attributes they desire and want. It may be my STXW and it may not. That is for me to ascertain whether she has the attributes I seek to let into my new world. Inasmuch as I would like it to be her....it is not up to me...
I am not naive ...I know this is a good day so far and there will be many more dark days..it's just refreshing to realize it isn't the end. I have wasted many years getting back at...wanting to be right..showing you..and all the other petty vicious cycle routines that ultimate degrades a soul...
Along with this moment of clarity comes a slew of goals some as trivial as drinking a minimun of 6 16.9 Oz bottles of water a day to renewing my ppl ssion for flying... renewing my ppl and passion for flying ..going back to school to get an MBA to complement my MA...starting my own company. .. dreams I had allowed to be dismissed crushed and ridiculed..that I had buried and procrastinated over..
Epic fail tonight....W called 10 mins after I spoke to kids about their day...I ignored... Text comes through: Are you ever going to be accessible by phone ?????? I bit...called her..she wanted to discuss S8 worsening behavior...she can't handle him anymore ..openly defis MIL...promise to have a chat in the morning...talk turns to custody agreement and D...she filed for sole physicAL and joint legal. ..
I said I'm not agreeing to that...I want shared custody. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say. ..vitriol ..I'm not giving yout half of the kids because they are my life....I'm not signing that because I'm afraid you'll run away with the kids..on and on..finally you better get a lawyer...
Mistake 1: I try reasoning...I want to be a full time dad. .not every other weekend..no dice ..she raised these kids by herself for 10 years.. ( yet not 20mins earlier..you need to talk to your son he only listens to you ).. Finally she relents..o have to see what shared custody means ..I won't let you have them 50% of the time. Me: ok..go find out..let me know so we can draw up our own agreement..
In between this she's trying to get my D10 to go to bed..finally I said ..lol it sounds like you're busy..she screams I'm busy with yur children ..hangs up...
Mistake 2: I texted: You do know you've won right?...youve gotten eevrything you want.. there is no need to be rude and or hostile to me. 5 mins later text comes through:..I will be happy when you sign the papers and this is over. I'm just ready H..I need closure. Me: good night
I know all the mantras. .believe less than 50%.etc etc ..work on yourself etc bit I'm human..I know I'm not meant to focus on her But how she be so emotionless..and cold and downright mean.. My fear is my resentment at my treatment the vitriol..the hyperbole would make any type of R or even friendship nigh on impossible. ( i know i know she doesnt want me anyway..so why bother)..The best is latent hostility overlaid by a sheer veneer of civility
I know I'm angry and yes scared..but will probably flip.flop. Any LBSs with similar feelings? ..did they dissipate? Were you able to get beyond the hurt? Just feels beyond hopeless..should really get to bed..
SPD - Its time to at least consult with a lawyer. Find out what your rights actually are. You dont have to agree to anything she proposes and theres no sense in fighting with her bout it. Talk to a lawyer and see whats reasonable..
And I think you know that text was a waste. What did you think she was going to say?
I know I should but I don't want to fight..I'll win nothing..I just want to spend time equal time with my kids..by her responses it's clear its a game to her and she wants to "win". I will be a statistic but I won't be one of those people..it's not me..I'll plead my car to court and let them decide..
Right now I work between 70 and 80 hrs a week so it's not like I need a decision right now. One of my goals is to find a new job so I can petition to have them 3 days a week ...split holidays and birthdays and half of summer/spring/fall breaks... I'm not asking for anything unreasonable. ..
I am increasingly coming to the conclusion that any hope of R is well and truly buried...I read MWD FB DBs that Cadet posted...and the 2 that resonate most are the extended family issues and inability to accept personal responsibility.
I don't think it will ever hit her that it takes two..I've made so many excuses for her..I enabled her to treat my like dirt...my remorse has been used as a cudgel to bludgeon me and as a crutch by her to never have to look at herself as being 50% culpable...
I know I'm venting..I can't help it ...I found notebooks with my written journals from years ago...the same issues were highlighted trough out marriage ..make me a priority. .not your mother not your friends..plan time for us.. I enabled...enabled..and enabled somemore..fear of being alone..fear of my children growing up in a broken home.. My own childhood memories of seeing intact families and wanting to be a part of one
Sitting in bathroom at work ..crying my eyes out like a [censored] idiot...haven't tld anyone at work yet..feel like a complete failure...hopes and drears as kid that one day my kids won't have to go through what I did..crumbles in the dust...
Men and fathers are not meant to feel or think like this right?..we are meant to rejoice in our freedom. ..yaaahhh...whoohoooo..I miss walking into my kids room at night and rearranging them on the bed.... Damn damn damn... I need to get back to work... Dry eyes... Project confidence. ..
SPD - Theres a BIG difference between arguing and fighting. If you dont fight to have your kids, who's going to do it for you?
Im not saying you need to HIRE a lawyer. But go talk to one. Im SURE your wife has.
Knowledge is power, SPD. And you can use whatever you can get.
For me, my W was willing to give half custody. And because of that, I barely fought on the other stuff. Money, cars, things....I dont care that much about that if I have my time with my kids.
As for the other stuff, it takes 2 for a marriage to break down to this point. Own your half and find out how to forgive yourself. You cant worry about your W and her half.
