Still Struggling with a plan!

[Starsky309]

Hope,

Sorry you had such a bad day, and sorry about your doggie. It is soooo hard knowing when to say "when" with our little fur families, but your pet will let you know. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better today.

(((hugs)))


starsky

[Clairee]

In the beginning I leased space in my Hs head. I fretted over where he was, what was he doing, what was he thinking, how did he feel, what did he mean, etc. Honey, that rental space was the most costly thing I've ever paid. I stayed in a constant state of confusion, disbelief, anger & sadness. I moved out of his head & back into mine. You get so wrapped up in his thoughts & feelings(what you THINK are his but really are just projections of what YOU think) that you aren't fully exploring & dealing with your own.

[hopeOK]

Hope,

Sorry you had such a bad day, and sorry about your doggie. It is soooo hard knowing when to say "when" with our little fur families, but your pet will let you know. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better today.

(((hugs)))


starsky

Thanks, Starsky. We have 3 dogs that are getting up there in age and I know it is only natural that they start to have some health problems. But it is still tough. Especially going away for 2+ weeks & worrying about how this one particular dog will fair while we are gone. I do hope she does ok while we are gone & we can continue watching her for signs that she is ready to go. I'd hate to not be here when the time comes and hate for a dog sitter to have to deal with that.

In the beginning I leased space in my Hs head. I fretted over where he was, what was he doing, what was he thinking, how did he feel, what did he mean, etc. Honey, that rental space was the most costly thing I've ever paid. I stayed in a constant state of confusion, disbelief, anger & sadness. I moved out of his head & back into mine. You get so wrapped up in his thoughts & feelings(what you THINK are his but really are just projections of what YOU think) that you aren't fully exploring & dealing with your own.

Yes... I can relate to that. I have definitely done a lot of that. I think I am doing better this week. I discovered that he did call the OW on Tuesday for a 2 min conversation & while it has bothered me, I've done an ok job at not letting it rule me. Who knows why they talked. It was not appropriate... he should not be talking to her at all (except work related & I hate that is even there)... but there will be a time and place to deal with that. I have also done better since Wednesday at just calming down and not worrying so much about what he is doing or if he is talking to her. It does still cross my mind, but I let it go. I do want to know what he is thinking... but I will just have to wait until he is ready to tell me.

[Clairee]

For all you know, he called to tell her NC, it might have been about sneaking off to a hotel it could've been about trash day, snow day, free beer day or an alien landed in the middle of the highway & started doing the funky chicken....for you it should be I don't know & I can't worry about it.


You're doing really well, keep it going!!! (((Hugs))))

[hopeOK]

For all you know, he called to tell her NC, it might have been about sneaking off to a hotel it could've been about trash day, snow day, free beer day or an alien landed in the middle of the highway & started doing the funky chicken....for you it should be I don't know & I can't worry about it.


You're doing really well, keep it going!!! (((Hugs))))

That thought did cross my mind. Unlikely but possible. But you are right, i have no idea what the heck they talked about. I am pretty ok with it for now. Really focusing on there being a time and place to deal with that now is not the time.

[Clairee]

How's getting ready for the trip going? I love planning & packing for a trip. It's the unpacking after I don't enjoy...lol

[hopeOK]

Well... we're back. Today is the first day back to a regular routine (we arrived back home sunday night but H took off Monday to work on getting things unpacked & done around the house).

So that is 17 days of being around each other (with the kids) without many of the daily stressors and I think it did us some good. I think it gave us a good opportunity to have fun together and reconnect (as well as we could w/ kid distractions). I think there has been quite a bit of progress in this time... all the affection that we had found for each other while working through the affair (but lost when things fell off the track) is back. He says I love you on his own & started saying it on his own.

He has made several little comments that have been meaningful... one time we were in the car & he fixed something for our little boy & our little boy was surprised he'd fixed it. H says, "Daddy can fix a lot of things." Then he turned somewhat to me and said, "I wish Mommy thought so." I took this to mean that he wants to fix things and he is maybe feeling a little uncertain to whether I believe he can.

Another time we were in the car and one of the kids was saying something was Daddy's favorite. He then said, "No, Mommy is my favorite, then you guys, then the dogs.... " This is significant because during our affair recovery time while working with the marriage counselor, I had sent him an article about how you should put your partner first ahead of your children. It listed many reasons why you should such as the couple came first before the kids & you need to take care of that so the marriage will last, etc. I sent it to H & he read it & agreed that the article made sense but he said he didn't know if he'd ever be able to make that transition. And this fact has been painfully obvious as he puts them first in so many day to day things. I will also admit that when they were babies & toddlers, they were put first ahead of my h by me... and I put h on the back burner. I have apologized for this as I now see how detrimental this was. But even when we were in marriage counseling, he was doing it only for the kids. So... I think him vocalizing this shift, even if he is not 100% feeling it, is a positive thing & a sign that he is moving in that direction.

We have not had any relationship talks such as discussing what has happened & why or whether or not he is maintaining contact w/ the OW. I have not had any indication that he is communicating with the OW during the past 17 days.

I have been really worried about getting back to the real world & talked some with my IC yesterday about this. I feel better about it today & so far have been fine and I have not been getting myself all worked up about what he could be doing while he is away. I do have the sense that there will be hard days to come but for now I'm focusing on the positives.

I mentioned a few things about His Needs, Her Needs to him during our trip & he began reading the book a bit in the car near the end of our trip. He seemed to be a bit more attentive after reading what he read and he even made a comment about how he hasn't been as good as he used to be about giving me attention.

So all in all, things are going pretty well. I am pretty sure we'll have more ups & downs & I am not all certain how to handle conversations that need to be had or exactly when to have them... but for now that is ok. I think we needed time to make lots of deposits into each others love banks and I think we need to focus on that for a little while longer. My IC thinks the conversation about contact w/ the OW needs to come when I am doing OK. I think I was looking for the relationship to be better to have that conversation but I can see how waiting until I have made improvements in myself would be more within my control and focus.

Any words of wisdom for this stage in the game are welcome.

So now it's back to laundry & house stuff and day to day stressors... which sadly includes putting one of our dogs to sleep this afternoon.

[hopeOK]

Day 4 of back to normal & I think things are going pretty well. I was feeling a little panicky yesterday ... not sure anything really triggered it but I started to worry about him & her. But it didn't get out of control... I refocused & got back to keeping busy. Then yesterday late afternoon it was getting to be a bit later than the time H normally gets off work (he has no set off time w/ this job... which is an issue for me now as I see how it enabled him to spend a lot of time w/ the OW w/o me realizing he wasn't at work... w/ his last job it was a set schedule & he was home at the same time every day.) & I started to get upset & I thought about asking him to start texting me or calling me when he was caught up at work later than normal. But then about 10 minutes later he called to say he was coming home & I was ok. He explained about work being crazy busy & some various things he was dealing with so I didn't say anything about texting/calling.

I think part of me worries that if I don't say anything, things will get out of control (for me) when he is later than normal. But then I also worry that if I say something that I'll be stirring up all the bad emotions & it'll throw us off track of our current progress.

So trying to figure out where the balance is of asking for things but also moving on. I know I have to work on trusting him & should not get worried until he does something concretely untrustworthy. But I also would feel better with certain assurances.

[hopeOK]

This morning started as an off day... I'll blame hormones a bit but it seems like before I was just grumpy for no reason, now I am the same but I also take on this hopeless feeling... like our relationship is never going to be what I want it to be & H is never going to be the husband I want him to be. Those were the thoughts running through my mind. Of course H knows me so well that he knew I was grumpy today & made several comments about it but I just said I was tired or trying to wake up. Thankfully I came out of my funk by a little after lunch time. Weirdly I came out of it after purposefully getting busy & doing some nice things for h. (My thoughts had been more along the lines of- why did he not hug me this morning, why doesn't he ever sit next to me on the couch, etc.)

[hopeOK]

Progress update...

Today I looked back at my list of DB goals I had when things went south for H & I... when things got really bad (in June & July). I am happy to see that all my goals have been achieved.

-Text/call during the day to see how things are going or to chat about misc.
-Say goodbye when he leaves.
-Kiss goodbye & hello.
-Provide ways to make me feel safe/secure (unlock phone, friend on fb, unfriend OW on fb, access to phone bill, inform of schedule, communicate whereabouts)
~~~ I don't have all of these things yet... but most. I think I would be able to access the phone bill but haven't brought that up in conversation yet b/c I'm not ready to broach that yet... one day it will come & I can look back at all the calls so I am not too worried about that right now. He doesn't always tell me his schedule in advance but will if I ask & he volunteers the time he is going to try to get off work on many occasions. ~~~~
-Talk about the future including me.
-Plan a family activity with me.
-Take steps to schedule a date with me.

He is doing a lot more than what I had set as goals such as...
-saying "I love you" often
-Giving lots of affection including long hugs before he gets out of bed in the morning.
-He wants to buy me things (went out of his way to buy me a bracelet on vacation & has been looking for a necklace I said I wanted... when we were not going good he was very tight on money not even wanting to go out to eat or get coffee much less buy me things... I also think this might be a way he is trying to make up to me a little bit.)
-He has said out loud to the kids that I am #1 & kids are right behind that (big deal for him to say it, even if he isn't quite there yet)
-He is making time to do things with me.
-He is taking me on a trip in a couple months for just us (w/o kids).

So really... I think we are doing good. All that is lacking is a conversation about boundaries and ongoing conversations about meeting each others needs (which we have touched on). Whenever I start to feel anxious about the OW I remind myself of all the positive changes & try to reassure myself that he could not be maintaining an affair while putting so much into our marriage (sometimes I convince myself better than others).

We definitely have more work to do and must keep our marriage in focus always... but I'm happy to be here rather than where we were a month or two ago.