I think this brings up a really good point overall and again, I can see both sides of the situation. If we do things for the well being of our kids but the WAW benefits are we not to do them? For example if my WAW asked me to watch our little one so she could go out on a date I would tell her to go ____ herself. If on a night I didn't have the kids but my wife asked me to drive my daughter to a basketball game because she was busy with another daughter. If I say no my daughter doesn't go and everyone thinks I'm a bad dad. If I say yes is that bad DB-ing?
In this situation, I don't think we could give a "ruling" for such a broad example as being good or bad DBing. I believe there would be various opinions, and it comes down to the individual DBer and his/her stitch (WW/MLC/WAS, etc.) and where they presently stand.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If we do things for the well being of our kids but the WAW benefits are we not to do them?
IMO, you can't narrow it down that easily, b/c almost everything you do for the kids the WAW will benefit, someway. However, you wouldn't refuse to give child support just b/c the WAW may spend it for groceries that fed everyone in the household.
The original thought on this line was the attitude behind the action.....whatever the action may be.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think this brings up a really good point overall and again, I can see both sides of the situation. If we do things for the well being of our kids but the WAW benefits are we not to do them? For example if my WAW asked me to watch our little one so she could go out on a date I would tell her to go ____ herself. If on a night I didn't have the kids but my wife asked me to drive my daughter to a basketball game because she was busy with another daughter. If I say no my daughter doesn't go and everyone thinks I'm a bad dad. If I say yes is that bad DB-ing?
In this situation, I don't think we could give a "ruling" for such a broad example as being good or bad DBing. I believe there would be various opinions, and it comes down to the individual DBer and his/her stitch (WW/MLC/WAS, etc.) and where they presently stand.
Sandi - Curious on your thoughts on this.
In my opinion (for what thats worth) is that you are replying to the action itself - taking your daughter to a basketball game. I agree that depending on the situation, that could be a good or bad action with respect to the goal of reconciling.
But what about the thought process behind it: "If I say no my daughter doesn't go and everyone thinks I'm a bad dad.". In my opinion, THIS is not good DB-ing regardless of the situation. I think you decide to take her to the game based on your relationship with your daughter, not because you want to prove how good (or not bad) of a dad you are.
I ask because my kids are starting school again soon, and my W will have them many school nights. Im trying to get a gauge on where that line should fall and how to navigate tricky waters without become a "babysitter".
My W seems very intent on the "cake eating". She seems to want the best of both worlds. I am leaving at the end of November for a project out of town. The project will take several years to complete. I have the option to come home every weekend.
I think she is waiting it out for me to leave. This way she gets everything good about being married without me. Do you think it would be a good idea to ask her to make a decision whether to go forward with the divorce (as she wants) or try to work on the M before I leave?
I know she is thinking that if she holds out until then, I will be gone and she will be left alone. Im not sure what to do. Some folks I have talked to say that I should tell her to make up her mind. She has said her mind is made up so telling her to make up her mind doesn't make sense. I am not sure she has made up her mind. If she had she would be making moves toward the D right?
I asked a while back "if you are so sure you want a divorce then why are you still here?". She said "She wants to keep a stable home for the kids". This doesn't add up to me. In my mind, a stable home is the exact opposite of a D.
So, should I talk to her before I leave?
If so, what should I say?
When I am gone should I exercise the option to come home on the weekends? I know my kids will want to see me.
I know this is a long way out, but I want to be prepared. I also want to make the right decisions to help myself navigate this mess.
Part of me feels that the time alone will be good for both of us (me especially). I think I need this time alone and maybe God has given me this opportunity to really work on myself without the distraction of my W constantly judging me.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
If you are going to be gone and only come back on the weekends how would you possibly be able to work on the M ... the one she wants out of?
Whats that rule about NO R TALKS .... you are allowing this 'deadline' to control what you are doing, I would suspect fear that while you are gone W will do what she wants, well M or not she will do this, you pressuring her .... would be esier for her to say "Suuuuure lets work on that M, here is your suitcase buh-bye". She has fired you, pressuring for an answer will not get you anywhere, nor do I suspect at this point would it be the answer you are hoping for do you?
This is a tricky situation lined up, W has the luxury of having you gone during the week, You coming back to babysit on the weekends. I would really sit down and think about what you want to do here.
I am very afraid of what will happen when I'm gone. However I know there is nothing I can do about what she is or isn't going to do. The deadline thing has me frazzled. I have traveled for work many time before with no worries at all. It's just with all of this going on, I'm worried.
It does no good to worry, I know. And you said what I thought you would say. And I agree. I'm going to go foward as business as usual with no R talks.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
